LOG; and maybe i'm not up for being a victim of love; VAN + RENÉE
Van and Renée, a hospital visit. The night of the 25th, shortly after this.
Renée had been through worse than car accidents before-- like fighting dragons with her Order, for one, but it was jarring that things that happened to other people.. still continued to happen to her. She had buried her mother, her father, and now it was time to bury her youngest sibling, her only brother.
Joelle had rushed to the hospital, and Renée, for once, had no biting remarks or sisterly banter to exchange with her. Robin was dead, he had only been sixteen. In spite of being only four years older than him, she had always considered him the baby of the family, who would never grow up. Well, now he really wouldn't get to. Ever.
They had told her she'd need to spend the night in the hospital and she was too tired to argue, her entire body hurt and she didn't feel up to trying to heal herself with Laertes' powers. Robin was dead and it just.. no, it didn't feel right. Wasn't right, to let herself heal the easy way when he had died.
Calling Van had been something she'd done almost automatically. I'm in the hospital, Robin is dead. Her responses had been short, terse, and forced; it was something she had to do as he was her General. And that was it.
Had it really been just that afternoon when she'd been laughing and had socked Van in the nose, giving him yet another nosebleed? Jesus.
His nose was still plugged with a tampon when he had received the message and without a second glance at his cell Van took off, cutting Adrienne off when she asked where he was going.
If Van had been more skeptical of Renée, he would have brushed her message off as her being drunk but this was Robin she was talking about.
He threw off the tampon, not even caring if the blood was still running (but it wasn't) and hailed a taxi and made him rush down the hospital Renée was at.
When he had arrived, he got the directions to her room quickly and with a curt nod headed off again. He felt wide awake now, even though just twenty minutes ago he was close to dozing off on the sofa again.
He didn't have to come, she hadn't asked him to. She was past the age where she needed someone's shoulder to cry on when she was upset, to hold her hand when she was scared. And Renée prided herself on being independent. The last thing she needed was for someone to see her when she was at her worst. She would never admit that it got lonely, keeping people at a safe enough distance as she did. Or that sometimes, it felt like maybe all this was too much to handle for someone who had only recently turned twenty.
When he entered she opened her eyes, biting the inside of her lip before forcing herself to smile.
"Sorry. Looks like we're another one down." At the moment Renée could have cared less about keeping numbers even, her brother was dead and god it hurt, everything was just so completely wrong.
Even if she didn't ask, Van was going to come anyway. It didn't matter right now about being a General, this was someone he actually trusted and she was hurt and her brother died. It was the same feeling when Odette told him about her brother falling comatose.
Van frowned, not pleased by her forced expression.
"Stop that." He said. "He wasn't just a Soldier, he was your brother." It felt too soon to be talking in the past tense about Robin.
"Stop what?" Renée dropped the smile anyway, god she felt like shit. And she probably looked awful, too.
"...Anyway, I'll be fine. A few bruised ribs, burns, cuts, I've been through worse before. It isn't a big deal." She almost laughed, but the sound got caught in her throat and instead a small, pained noise came out. "Really."
Van caught that noise and shook his head.
"You're only going to make yourself feel worse." Van said, folding his arms. "What happened anyway?"
She decided to ignore that first comment-- Van wasn't her therapist, and like he was in any position to say anything about feelings.
"Robin and I were taking a cab back home. A drunk driver hit us, I'm the only survivor. I managed to pull Robin out of the wreck but he was already dead." She willed her voice to stay even and detached. "...And now I'm here."
Ignoring the pain in her side, Renée forced herself to sit up-- she didn't know which button made the mattress go up anyway.
"Any other questions?"
"No."
He was annoyed by her attitude. Isn't this what people wanted? For Van to be less robotic? In the end it didn't work.
Or maybe he just wasn't good with words. Van leaned in a bit and put one arm around Renée, to keep a comfortable space between them in case.
Today was just not their day. Quinn, Robin, Renée and previously Isidore's relative in London.
It was what she wanted, for him to be more like a real person and not just someone who did things because they were supposed to. As General, it was Van's responsibility to look after his Soldiers' well-being. It made sense to Renée that he seemed more concerned about her now.
And she didn't need anyone's pity. Hadn't needed it when she was orphaned in March. Didn't need it now.
"If the driver in the other car hadn't died too I would have killed him myself." She stared blankly ahead, nails digging into her palms. "Fuck."
Renée closed her eyes again, she could feel them starting to tear up. She had cried earlier with her sister, she thought that no more tears would come now. But apparently she had been wrong.
"What the hell am I supposed to I do now?" she asked, more to herself than to Van.
A White Order answer would be, "Open the Gates. Bring them all back."
But that wasn't needed. It pretty much went without saying anyway. Van felt tired suddenly, finally the long day catching up and taking a heavy toll on him.
"Rest for now," he said, keeping his arm around her.
He hadn't a clue where all this word vomit was coming from. It had been a while since he had been sincere with anyone. The last was his mother whom he had to console while she wept on the phone over Ferdi's death but it didn't feel right because he had been the cause of that.
A few tears came trickling out from under her eyelids, which she wiped away as quickly as she could. And then Renée finally leaned against him, tacitly accepting his support.
"...Yeah." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm thinking of sending her away. My sister, I mean. Things will probably get worse in Europe and she's always wanted to study abroad. Our parents left us enough money for that, I think."
Van could have offered to help her out financially but decided to leave it until she felt better. He didn't want to impose too much and figured everyone needed a small break for now.
"If you need a place to stay you can always move in with me. You can have Ferdi's room." That's right, it was time for Van to move on and stop getting antsy whenever someone stepped foot in that empty room. "And if Adrienne says anything, well, just ignore her."
He wouldn't have minded if Renée said yes to his proposal because out of everyone he knew, she was the one he could actually shed his tough hide in front of. Because she never asked for much and it felt strangely relieving.
His offer surprised her; not in an unpleasant way but... she knew how he felt about his deceased brother and it wasn't something he had to do.
Renée nodded slowly. "I might end up taking you up on that-- I'll let you know."
"...You know you don't have to do any of this, right? It isn't something you have to do." Hesitantly, she put a hand over his, as a way of saying 'thank you'. But the words would come, as well.
"But either way, thanks."
"Not a problem," he said, his hand curling underneath hers. We'll get through this. Look how far we've come already.
"I want to." He shrugged lazily, unable to think of a comeback.
Renée had no idea why her eyes felt moist again but slightly tightened her hold on his hand and sighed. She was simply exhausted now, the day's events weighing on her shoulders.
It was just-- she was just-- tired.
So very tired.
Renée had been through worse than car accidents before-- like fighting dragons with her Order, for one, but it was jarring that things that happened to other people.. still continued to happen to her. She had buried her mother, her father, and now it was time to bury her youngest sibling, her only brother.
Joelle had rushed to the hospital, and Renée, for once, had no biting remarks or sisterly banter to exchange with her. Robin was dead, he had only been sixteen. In spite of being only four years older than him, she had always considered him the baby of the family, who would never grow up. Well, now he really wouldn't get to. Ever.
They had told her she'd need to spend the night in the hospital and she was too tired to argue, her entire body hurt and she didn't feel up to trying to heal herself with Laertes' powers. Robin was dead and it just.. no, it didn't feel right. Wasn't right, to let herself heal the easy way when he had died.
Calling Van had been something she'd done almost automatically. I'm in the hospital, Robin is dead. Her responses had been short, terse, and forced; it was something she had to do as he was her General. And that was it.
Had it really been just that afternoon when she'd been laughing and had socked Van in the nose, giving him yet another nosebleed? Jesus.
His nose was still plugged with a tampon when he had received the message and without a second glance at his cell Van took off, cutting Adrienne off when she asked where he was going.
If Van had been more skeptical of Renée, he would have brushed her message off as her being drunk but this was Robin she was talking about.
He threw off the tampon, not even caring if the blood was still running (but it wasn't) and hailed a taxi and made him rush down the hospital Renée was at.
When he had arrived, he got the directions to her room quickly and with a curt nod headed off again. He felt wide awake now, even though just twenty minutes ago he was close to dozing off on the sofa again.
He didn't have to come, she hadn't asked him to. She was past the age where she needed someone's shoulder to cry on when she was upset, to hold her hand when she was scared. And Renée prided herself on being independent. The last thing she needed was for someone to see her when she was at her worst. She would never admit that it got lonely, keeping people at a safe enough distance as she did. Or that sometimes, it felt like maybe all this was too much to handle for someone who had only recently turned twenty.
When he entered she opened her eyes, biting the inside of her lip before forcing herself to smile.
"Sorry. Looks like we're another one down." At the moment Renée could have cared less about keeping numbers even, her brother was dead and god it hurt, everything was just so completely wrong.
Even if she didn't ask, Van was going to come anyway. It didn't matter right now about being a General, this was someone he actually trusted and she was hurt and her brother died. It was the same feeling when Odette told him about her brother falling comatose.
Van frowned, not pleased by her forced expression.
"Stop that." He said. "He wasn't just a Soldier, he was your brother." It felt too soon to be talking in the past tense about Robin.
"Stop what?" Renée dropped the smile anyway, god she felt like shit. And she probably looked awful, too.
"...Anyway, I'll be fine. A few bruised ribs, burns, cuts, I've been through worse before. It isn't a big deal." She almost laughed, but the sound got caught in her throat and instead a small, pained noise came out. "Really."
Van caught that noise and shook his head.
"You're only going to make yourself feel worse." Van said, folding his arms. "What happened anyway?"
She decided to ignore that first comment-- Van wasn't her therapist, and like he was in any position to say anything about feelings.
"Robin and I were taking a cab back home. A drunk driver hit us, I'm the only survivor. I managed to pull Robin out of the wreck but he was already dead." She willed her voice to stay even and detached. "...And now I'm here."
Ignoring the pain in her side, Renée forced herself to sit up-- she didn't know which button made the mattress go up anyway.
"Any other questions?"
"No."
He was annoyed by her attitude. Isn't this what people wanted? For Van to be less robotic? In the end it didn't work.
Or maybe he just wasn't good with words. Van leaned in a bit and put one arm around Renée, to keep a comfortable space between them in case.
Today was just not their day. Quinn, Robin, Renée and previously Isidore's relative in London.
It was what she wanted, for him to be more like a real person and not just someone who did things because they were supposed to. As General, it was Van's responsibility to look after his Soldiers' well-being. It made sense to Renée that he seemed more concerned about her now.
And she didn't need anyone's pity. Hadn't needed it when she was orphaned in March. Didn't need it now.
"If the driver in the other car hadn't died too I would have killed him myself." She stared blankly ahead, nails digging into her palms. "Fuck."
Renée closed her eyes again, she could feel them starting to tear up. She had cried earlier with her sister, she thought that no more tears would come now. But apparently she had been wrong.
"What the hell am I supposed to I do now?" she asked, more to herself than to Van.
A White Order answer would be, "Open the Gates. Bring them all back."
But that wasn't needed. It pretty much went without saying anyway. Van felt tired suddenly, finally the long day catching up and taking a heavy toll on him.
"Rest for now," he said, keeping his arm around her.
He hadn't a clue where all this word vomit was coming from. It had been a while since he had been sincere with anyone. The last was his mother whom he had to console while she wept on the phone over Ferdi's death but it didn't feel right because he had been the cause of that.
A few tears came trickling out from under her eyelids, which she wiped away as quickly as she could. And then Renée finally leaned against him, tacitly accepting his support.
"...Yeah." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm thinking of sending her away. My sister, I mean. Things will probably get worse in Europe and she's always wanted to study abroad. Our parents left us enough money for that, I think."
Van could have offered to help her out financially but decided to leave it until she felt better. He didn't want to impose too much and figured everyone needed a small break for now.
"If you need a place to stay you can always move in with me. You can have Ferdi's room." That's right, it was time for Van to move on and stop getting antsy whenever someone stepped foot in that empty room. "And if Adrienne says anything, well, just ignore her."
He wouldn't have minded if Renée said yes to his proposal because out of everyone he knew, she was the one he could actually shed his tough hide in front of. Because she never asked for much and it felt strangely relieving.
His offer surprised her; not in an unpleasant way but... she knew how he felt about his deceased brother and it wasn't something he had to do.
Renée nodded slowly. "I might end up taking you up on that-- I'll let you know."
"...You know you don't have to do any of this, right? It isn't something you have to do." Hesitantly, she put a hand over his, as a way of saying 'thank you'. But the words would come, as well.
"But either way, thanks."
"Not a problem," he said, his hand curling underneath hers. We'll get through this. Look how far we've come already.
"I want to." He shrugged lazily, unable to think of a comeback.
Renée had no idea why her eyes felt moist again but slightly tightened her hold on his hand and sighed. She was simply exhausted now, the day's events weighing on her shoulders.
It was just-- she was just-- tired.
So very tired.