It was intensely saddening to see Matt look at him with that dull, unfeeling expression on his face. Mello remembered how he used to be able to actually make this strange boy smile, and spaz, and it didn´t seem to be so long ago. But on the other hand ...
He couldn´t help it, he had to smile.
Because apart from that, this proved he was still the same defiant, sun-hating, outdoor-deprived backtalking little geek brat he´d always been, and Mello couldn´t really imagine Matt any other way.
Mello snorted and had to bite his lip not to laugh, even though it wasn´t quite appropriate, probably. "It´s fine," He growled, pulling the curtains shut again. "I´d be so much more worried if you´d take up tree-hugging in your spare time, really."
He paused.
"Kira is dead," He said after a while. Mello was pretty sure that Matt, who was a hermit but far from an idiot, knew that already, still. It needed to be said. Mello was tempted to add And I killed him, right away, but he was too apprehensive. He had always tried to keep Matt as far away from murder as possible, but he hadn´t always succeeded, and they both knew it.
Mello debated to feel bad about it for all of three seconds, but the thruth was, he couldn´t bring himself to do it.
He didn´t feel any shame. And he didn´t do regrets.
The only thing he regretted, really, was keeping Matt in the dark for so long. In Mello´s slightly maladjusted mind, this was so much worse than putting a gun against Kira´s palm and pulling the trigger. It was no crime to him. Murder, yes, crime, no.
And Matt was the last person he intended to hide his true self from. So he smiled.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did it."
He made a step towards his friend, tilting his head. He reached for Matt´s hand to squeeze it. "No worries," He quipped, "I washed it after."
He was hoping that, even if Matt couldn´t care less about going outside, he knew that it also meant they were free again.
He really wanted to smile, really. He wanted to laugh at how stupid he was being but he couldn't.
The squeeze to his hand wasn't returned, merely allowed. The simple gesture set off a spark of self hatred, and in a way, it hurt. Sure, maybe he was being bitchy and stubborn, but fuck.
"Right."
He unlatched himself from the door frame, pulling Mello out of his room and shutting the door behind him before he pried his hand away, effectively stuffing them into his pockets.
The sweetness of his triumph was immediately nullified by Matt´s reaction, or lack thereof. Mello frowned.
It wasn´t as if he had expected a shower of flowers and well-wishes, but ... something was off with the both of them, and Mello could feel it freaking him out just a little.
He followed the hand disappearing inside Matt´s pocket with his eyes, before he resorted to walk him towards the door.
"Sure, we will," He said. "Only thing is we have to cross the forest again for that, you know."
Mello blinked. He wasn´t sure what exactly it was that was eating away at Matt, but he knew for sure that facing his worst fears was probably not his favourite pasttime right now.
Why the hell was this gamer kid so hard to read sometimes?!
Inwardly he groaned, following beside Mello as they made their way toward the front door.
"I don't care if I have to cross a shark infested ocean."
Really, Matt was dying to get outside - he'd been dying to do something for ages now. But he couldn't push himself enough to get up and go out. Besides, he never found it fun to go out alone. It was just lonely.
"Hey I did before right?" He forced himself to grin, even though it was more of a cringe.
"I can do it. I really want that popcorn you owe me."
"Not only will you get your damn popcorn, you´ll have the whole package," Mello said. Matt being all determined to go out with him did cheer him up, even if the forced grin was painful to watch. "Drinks, a movie, a trip to the game store, the whole nine yards. Fuck, we can even rent a hotel room and completely trash it if you like!"
But first, they would have to cross that fucking forest, and they both knew it.
Walking next to Matt, Mello realized something. It wasn´t exactly a miracle Matt was acting the way he did. Before Sigil, Mello had been the driven one, always up to something, always keeping his friend on the edge with him, for better or worse, dragging Matt into his downward spiral of chaos and messed-up desires. It had been insane and dangerous and difficult, but it also had been ... fun. And now ... now they were living in Esha´s perfect little snow globe, and Matt had no Near to be in love with.
As they reached the front door, ready to go out, Mello turned on his heel, looking at him.
"I miss it too, you know." He said quietly. "I´m not going to go all sappy on you now, but ... I miss it. The times when I had to wear a hoodie just to get us some pizza. Hiding with you ..." He smiled slightly. "The smell was bad, but it was pretty good."
The front door handle was turned to and fro, Matt not really opening it just yet, the hand that he'd extracted from his pocket resting on the metal. "Yea it was pretty fun huh? Almost like Grand Theft Auto, that is, without all the pizazz and Italians."
Mello's promise sounded enticing, actually it was a pretty sweet deal. "I want to throw the mini fridge off the balcony ok?" Eye contact seemed a foreign concept to Matt now, as he finally opened the door and trotted outside, ready (well as ready as Matt could ever be) to face the world.
Sometimes Matt wished he could fly - then the whole forest thing could be avoided. But then again...A short look was cast over to Mello, before he turned his eyes ahead again.
His worst fears had pretty much become a reality. Matt doubted the stupid forest could make them any worse.
As much as it hurt to have Matt so obviously avoiding eye contact, Mello was kinda glad he wore his goggles ... after weeks of hermitage, Sigil´s bright sun would have probably burned his retinas.
But the idea of demolishing a hotel room with him, rockstar-style, was incredibly motivating. Though the forest was an obstacle not to be taken lightly, really.
"I wished we could use the bike," Mello said, eyes flickering over to his beautiful machine, his birthday present. "But with the hallucinations ... I can´t guarantee I wouldn´t smash into the next tree. I´m not exactly a safe driver whenever I´m NOT facing my worst fears ..."
He felt a slight lurch in his stomach as he posed the next question.
"Matt ... what do you think you´re gonna see?"
OOC: "His worst fears had pretty much become a reality?!" Matt, why must you break my heart? D:
"Yea I wouldn't want you crashing into trees Mello," he allowed a light chuckle to slip him at the thought of Mello running into the foliage. "Who knows, you might even run over me, which would suck and then I'd have tire marks on my ass for the day."
They were drawing nearer the daunting haunted forest, but the faster they got it over with the better. In fact, he was just about to quicken his pace before Mello's question stopped him dead in his tracks.
"..."
Turning his head he looked at Mello with a half smile that looked, more than anything else, tired.
"Nothing I haven't seen before, c'mon we're wasting time we could preciously use scaring the pants off each other."
Mello bit his lip. Matt had a point. What good was it to freak each other out before the actual horror show even started? If all went well, they wouldn´t even have to talk about what the hell they were seeing ... even if somehow, Mello was dying to know.
He gave his friend a wry smile. "Matt, man of action. Not bad. Didn´t know you had it in you. There´s one thing, though...."
Hesitantly, Mello pulled out the rope he had prepared for the day. There was no way around it. He was planning to spend the evening downtown with Matt, not looking for him in Freakout Forest, tripping around in the dark. Sadly, going to the movies would require a little bit of bondage fun right now.
"Come on, we have to. You know you wanna. Where do you want it? Arm? Hip?" He smirked. "Any other part?"
Lensed eyes found their way to the rope, his gaze instantly latching onto it. "Eh you're the man of action Mello, not me, I'm just driven by the prospect of a large coke and popcorn."
Face twisting slightly from embarrassment he looked away, holding out his hand.
"Wrist is fine Mello."
It hurt to be so cold. How had Near ever survived?
Had never been treated by Matt like this. Yes, Matt was phlegmatic, sometimes apathetic, but not ... not like this. Usually, Mello would have probably kicked his ass, or at least yelled at him a little. But he couldn´t. Not now. Not like that. Mello wasn´t sure how, but he knew that he had played some part in killing Matt´s buzz for good.
Well, maybe it could be revived ... but he was pretty sure by now that it would get a lot worse before it got better.
"All right, give me your hand ...", Mello fell silent as he tied Matt´s wrist, careful to not hurt him or tie him up too tight. The other half of the rope went to his own wrist. He had a feeling that a while ago, at least on of them would have cracked some kind of kinky joke right now, but it seemed wrong, in a way.
"All set", With a last hesitant smile, Mello took the first steps towards the forest, and soon, darkness embraced them. Not even birds were singing. Esha´s forest was a void of silence and forbidding trees.
Almost subconciously, Mello was reaching for Matt´s hand. He could have used the living, breathing warmth of his friend, but ... his hand grabbed nothing. Matt wasn´t there.
Mello could feel his heart pounding. He knew Matt was there. He had to be ... the rope was still tied around his wrist, he could feel it. But he knew ... if he looked beside him now, he´d see nothing.
His wrist was shaken once or twice, to make sure the rope around his wrist was secure before letting his arm drop, giving Mello a small smile, even though it was half hearted.
It was dark in the forest, obviously of course, the lack of light causing Matt to curl inwardly as he walked through Esha's forest. It felt as if the darkness was crushing him, suffocating. He couldn't even hear the crunching of leaves beneath his boots any longer.
He thought he´d heard him call his name ... a faint whisper, like from a distance, but it couldn´t be. Matt was supposed to be by his side, right next to him. He felt the rope, for fuck´s sake. But it didn´t change the fact that he didn´t feel Matt´s presence anymore.
"I ... I know you´re there," He said, swallowing, reassuring himself. "I mean, I know it´s fucked up, but we need to keep walking. It´s like the intro of Silent Hill 2, isn´t it? Or was it 4? I can never get these straight ..."
But it freaked him out even more. It was like talking to himself, as if he was a madman.
He´s not there because he´s dead. He´s dead because of you, and he always was, all the time, do you really think he was brought back for you? What a joke. Matt died. He died. He died. He died ...
In the streets, like a dog. And you saw it. Remember. Remember. Remember ...
And Mello kept walking. Because he knew, at some point, he (no, they, they were two!) would see the light of the other side breaking through the forest and he´ll see Matt again, in his goggles and his stupid striped shirt and with that awkward expression on his face -
Was it Mello? Or was he just hearing things? The rope on his wrist seemed to be loose, even though in actuality it was still tight. The other hand reached for the rope, only to feel nothing there, to see nothing there.
He gulped, yet kept walking ahead even though his knees were shaking. It wasn't possible, they weren't gone were they? They weren't all gone...
"I hate this..."
Matt didn't particularly care if Mello heard it, it was said on impulse, his voice shaky. He hated this forest. He hated this - this feeling, absolute encompassing silence and dread. It was as if the loneliness he'd been feeling for the past few weeks had become tangible, choking him. Loneliness was a sickness he'd acquired both in the past and present - like a cancer that had come out of remission.
First his dog, then his parents, then his brother...
His home was abandoned, he was abandoned. Mello had seemed like he'd wanted to have genuine fun, but what if he'd rather leave him behind in the forest? It would be easy and clean right? Drag Matt into the forest and just leave him there? That way he wouldn't feel guilty of killing him, but he'd be out of the way.
Matt felt sick.
Gloved fingers wrapped around the rope on his wrist, pulling harshly, hopefully jerking the other side.
He couldn´t help it.
It was intensely saddening to see Matt look at him with that dull, unfeeling expression on his face. Mello remembered how he used to be able to actually make this strange boy smile, and spaz, and it didn´t seem to be so long ago. But on the other hand ...
He couldn´t help it, he had to smile.
Because apart from that, this proved he was still the same defiant, sun-hating, outdoor-deprived backtalking little geek brat he´d always been, and Mello couldn´t really imagine Matt any other way.
Mello snorted and had to bite his lip not to laugh, even though it wasn´t quite appropriate, probably. "It´s fine," He growled, pulling the curtains shut again. "I´d be so much more worried if you´d take up tree-hugging in your spare time, really."
He paused.
"Kira is dead," He said after a while. Mello was pretty sure that Matt, who was a hermit but far from an idiot, knew that already, still. It needed to be said. Mello was tempted to add And I killed him, right away, but he was too apprehensive. He had always tried to keep Matt as far away from murder as possible, but he hadn´t always succeeded, and they both knew it.
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Even if, the smile he was shot did kind of make him a little happy.
If only a little.
Shutting the curtains again did help, after all.
Oh? Kira was dead was he? An eyebrow was raised as Matt's shoulders slumped, leaning against the door frame with a blank expression.
"You did it, right?"
If it hadn't been Mello who killed the bastard, Matt would truly be surprised.
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He didn´t feel any shame. And he didn´t do regrets.
The only thing he regretted, really, was keeping Matt in the dark for so long. In Mello´s slightly maladjusted mind, this was so much worse than putting a gun against Kira´s palm and pulling the trigger. It was no crime to him. Murder, yes, crime, no.
And Matt was the last person he intended to hide his true self from. So he smiled.
"Yeah. Yeah, I did it."
He made a step towards his friend, tilting his head. He reached for Matt´s hand to squeeze it. "No worries," He quipped, "I washed it after."
He was hoping that, even if Matt couldn´t care less about going outside, he knew that it also meant they were free again.
"Let´s celebrate."
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The squeeze to his hand wasn't returned, merely allowed. The simple gesture set off a spark of self hatred, and in a way, it hurt. Sure, maybe he was being bitchy and stubborn, but fuck.
"Right."
He unlatched himself from the door frame, pulling Mello out of his room and shutting the door behind him before he pried his hand away, effectively stuffing them into his pockets.
"I wanna go to the movies, think we can?"
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It wasn´t as if he had expected a shower of flowers and well-wishes, but ... something was off with the both of them, and Mello could feel it freaking him out just a little.
He followed the hand disappearing inside Matt´s pocket with his eyes, before he resorted to walk him towards the door.
"Sure, we will," He said. "Only thing is we have to cross the forest again for that, you know."
Mello blinked. He wasn´t sure what exactly it was that was eating away at Matt, but he knew for sure that facing his worst fears was probably not his favourite pasttime right now.
Why the hell was this gamer kid so hard to read sometimes?!
"Think you can do that?"
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"I don't care if I have to cross a shark infested ocean."
Really, Matt was dying to get outside - he'd been dying to do something for ages now. But he couldn't push himself enough to get up and go out. Besides, he never found it fun to go out alone. It was just lonely.
"Hey I did before right?" He forced himself to grin, even though it was more of a cringe.
"I can do it. I really want that popcorn you owe me."
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But first, they would have to cross that fucking forest, and they both knew it.
Walking next to Matt, Mello realized something. It wasn´t exactly a miracle Matt was acting the way he did. Before Sigil, Mello had been the driven one, always up to something, always keeping his friend on the edge with him, for better or worse, dragging Matt into his downward spiral of chaos and messed-up desires. It had been insane and dangerous and difficult, but it also had been ... fun. And now ... now they were living in Esha´s perfect little snow globe, and Matt had no Near to be in love with.
As they reached the front door, ready to go out, Mello turned on his heel, looking at him.
"I miss it too, you know." He said quietly. "I´m not going to go all sappy on you now, but ... I miss it. The times when I had to wear a hoodie just to get us some pizza. Hiding with you ..." He smiled slightly. "The smell was bad, but it was pretty good."
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Mello's promise sounded enticing, actually it was a pretty sweet deal. "I want to throw the mini fridge off the balcony ok?" Eye contact seemed a foreign concept to Matt now, as he finally opened the door and trotted outside, ready (well as ready as Matt could ever be) to face the world.
Sometimes Matt wished he could fly - then the whole forest thing could be avoided. But then again...A short look was cast over to Mello, before he turned his eyes ahead again.
His worst fears had pretty much become a reality. Matt doubted the stupid forest could make them any worse.
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But the idea of demolishing a hotel room with him, rockstar-style, was incredibly motivating. Though the forest was an obstacle not to be taken lightly, really.
"I wished we could use the bike," Mello said, eyes flickering over to his beautiful machine, his birthday present. "But with the hallucinations ... I can´t guarantee I wouldn´t smash into the next tree. I´m not exactly a safe driver whenever I´m NOT facing my worst fears ..."
He felt a slight lurch in his stomach as he posed the next question.
"Matt ... what do you think you´re gonna see?"
OOC: "His worst fears had pretty much become a reality?!" Matt, why must you break my heart? D:
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They were drawing nearer the daunting haunted forest, but the faster they got it over with the better. In fact, he was just about to quicken his pace before Mello's question stopped him dead in his tracks.
"..."
Turning his head he looked at Mello with a half smile that looked, more than anything else, tired.
"Nothing I haven't seen before, c'mon we're wasting time we could preciously use scaring the pants off each other."
Let's just get it over with already Mello...
OOC: dslkjf Matt says sorry ;A;!!! ♥
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Mello bit his lip. Matt had a point. What good was it to freak each other out before the actual horror show even started? If all went well, they wouldn´t even have to talk about what the hell they were seeing ... even if somehow, Mello was dying to know.
He gave his friend a wry smile. "Matt, man of action. Not bad. Didn´t know you had it in you. There´s one thing, though...."
Hesitantly, Mello pulled out the rope he had prepared for the day. There was no way around it. He was planning to spend the evening downtown with Matt, not looking for him in Freakout Forest, tripping around in the dark. Sadly, going to the movies would require a little bit of bondage fun right now.
"Come on, we have to. You know you wanna. Where do you want it? Arm? Hip?" He smirked. "Any other part?"
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Face twisting slightly from embarrassment he looked away, holding out his hand.
"Wrist is fine Mello."
It hurt to be so cold. How had Near ever survived?
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Had never been treated by Matt like this. Yes, Matt was phlegmatic, sometimes apathetic, but not ... not like this. Usually, Mello would have probably kicked his ass, or at least yelled at him a little. But he couldn´t. Not now. Not like that. Mello wasn´t sure how, but he knew that he had played some part in killing Matt´s buzz for good.
Well, maybe it could be revived ... but he was pretty sure by now that it would get a lot worse before it got better.
"All right, give me your hand ...", Mello fell silent as he tied Matt´s wrist, careful to not hurt him or tie him up too tight. The other half of the rope went to his own wrist. He had a feeling that a while ago, at least on of them would have cracked some kind of kinky joke right now, but it seemed wrong, in a way.
"All set", With a last hesitant smile, Mello took the first steps towards the forest, and soon, darkness embraced them. Not even birds were singing. Esha´s forest was a void of silence and forbidding trees.
Almost subconciously, Mello was reaching for Matt´s hand. He could have used the living, breathing warmth of his friend, but ... his hand grabbed nothing. Matt wasn´t there.
Mello could feel his heart pounding. He knew Matt was there. He had to be ... the rope was still tied around his wrist, he could feel it. But he knew ... if he looked beside him now, he´d see nothing.
"M-Matt?"
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It was dark in the forest, obviously of course, the lack of light causing Matt to curl inwardly as he walked through Esha's forest. It felt as if the darkness was crushing him, suffocating. He couldn't even hear the crunching of leaves beneath his boots any longer.
There was only silence and nothingness.
He was alone.
"M-Mello?"
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"I ... I know you´re there," He said, swallowing, reassuring himself. "I mean, I know it´s fucked up, but we need to keep walking. It´s like the intro of Silent Hill 2, isn´t it? Or was it 4? I can never get these straight ..."
But it freaked him out even more. It was like talking to himself, as if he was a madman.
He´s not there because he´s dead. He´s dead because of you, and he always was, all the time, do you really think he was brought back for you? What a joke. Matt died. He died. He died. He died ...
In the streets, like a dog. And you saw it. Remember. Remember. Remember ...
And Mello kept walking. Because he knew, at some point, he (no, they, they were two!) would see the light of the other side breaking through the forest and he´ll see Matt again, in his goggles and his stupid striped shirt and with that awkward expression on his face -
The dead stay dead.
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He gulped, yet kept walking ahead even though his knees were shaking. It wasn't possible, they weren't gone were they? They weren't all gone...
"I hate this..."
Matt didn't particularly care if Mello heard it, it was said on impulse, his voice shaky. He hated this forest. He hated this - this feeling, absolute encompassing silence and dread. It was as if the loneliness he'd been feeling for the past few weeks had become tangible, choking him. Loneliness was a sickness he'd acquired both in the past and present - like a cancer that had come out of remission.
First his dog, then his parents, then his brother...
His home was abandoned, he was abandoned. Mello had seemed like he'd wanted to have genuine fun, but what if he'd rather leave him behind in the forest? It would be easy and clean right? Drag Matt into the forest and just leave him there? That way he wouldn't feel guilty of killing him, but he'd be out of the way.
Matt felt sick.
Gloved fingers wrapped around the rope on his wrist, pulling harshly, hopefully jerking the other side.
"Just do it already will you?"
Leave me behind, it's not that hard.
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