My Love is Like Whoa..
Sometimes I wonder how I get away with these things. Like this morning; I had a nice breakfast with Jake, and Alex is none the wiser. She thought I did something nice for a random guy, and that it was a little unusual, but that didn't seem to tip her off. And if she knew, I would know that she knew. So she doesn't know. She just figures that I
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Sam wouldn't agree with me though. He looks upset. Or maybe I should say Sam looks like he's trying not to be upset when he is. I can tell. And his mood is just coming off in waves. The tension in the room is almost making me break into a sweat.
Not that Jake wouldn't have gotten around to making me sweaty sooner or later, but this is different and kinda annoying.
Okay, another bottle just exploded that makes two...
And is Sam trying to cover flames in his glass?
"I'm going to get some air."
I watched Sam walk out, then turned my attention back to his glass. Reaching over to pick it up, I realized how hot it was and put it back down.
Not just hot. Hot and cracked. Definitely not useable anymore; Sam should have to pay for that.
I think I know what's going on here. Arianna isn't the only special one in the Howell family.
"I think I should go make sure that Sam's alright. He seems a little bothered."
I slipped my hand out from under Jake's and gave him a real kiss. Not one for show or comfort, a random kiss just because.
I was supposed to make his night a lot better than this.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
I haven't gotten what I came here for yet. Damn right I'll be back.
I headed out still thinking about what had happened with the exploding bottles and the flames. There's only one decent explanation that doesn't involve Sam looking like a total wacko. I just have to break him on it.
I found Sam standing out in front of the bar and put on my best 'excited' smile. If I still have my highschool drama skills-and I think I do-he'll probably buy it.
"Hey, I'm sorry to...bother you, I just didn't want you to get away before I could invite you to the wedding."
I would have continued but a trash barrel by Sam exploded before I could finish. Instinctively, I pushed him away from the flying metal and flames, and the two of us rolled to the ground in a somewhat familiar position.
I used to be a hell of a lot more comfortable on top of him than I am right now.
"So you're a pryokenetic. You know you could have said something after the second explosion."
Someone could have gotten hurt. Maybe that's what he was going for.
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Or at least as fresh as you get in Los Angeles. I know places in Spain that've got better air than this, it felt weird the first time I was there. Like I wasn't breathing right. Once I got all the crap out of my system, you realize just how bad for you the city really was.
And I guess I'm not just talking about air here, now am I. I can't believe this happens the first freakin' day I'm back in LA. I know this is what I wanted, but not exactly like this, damn it.
Footsteps. Great, who's coming now?
... What the hell does she want? She looks too happy. Even happier than she did back in the bar.
"Hey, I'm sorry to...bother you, I just didn't want you to get away before I could invite you to the wedding."
The what?!
Okay, I couldn't have stopped that one, even if I tried. I don't care what anyone says. And I kinda missed this position...
Focus Howell.
"So you're a pryokenetic. You know you could have said something after the second explosion."
"... I really hate you for that." I glared at her, and rolled my eyes. "Do you want to get up now, or are we just going to talk like this?"
I don't know if she was screwing with me about the wedding, but I'm really hoping she was. I don't think I could handle sticking around if it was true, whether I wanted her to move on or not.
And if she was just saying it to make me blow my cover in a literal sense...
... This is so freakin' stupid.
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And I hate you for ditching me and leaving town, guess we're even.
Alright, I guess I don't hate him for that, but Sam doesn't hate me for busting him either. I think I did hate him for a little while, so if this is genuine hate, it'll pass.
It always does.
"Do you want to get up now, or are we just going to talk like this?"
"I'm comfortable. We can talk like this."
That's a lie. I'm a little bit annoyed that I hit the ground twice in one night, and jeans or not, knees on pavement is not the best feeling in the whole world--but it isn't a completely new one either.
I can handle this unless he wants to chicken out and get up.
"Jake won't care."
Shit. Shit shit shit. Now I want to explain why, and when I do that Sam is going to call me a liar and think I'm some psycho who fakes relationships for attention.
I don't need to fake anything for attention. I know how to get it by being myself.
Sometimes by being a little bit of a klutz too.
...If all else fails, I get on top of the guy.
"There's uh, something you should know about that..."
Here goes nothing.
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Fine, whatever, we'll talk like this. I'm not the one with the freakin' Significant Other in the damned bar who would mind this situation. Is this even a situation? Damn it, I don't care. I want her off.
Okay, no, I really don't. But given that we're not together, I'm supposed to.
"Jake won't care."
"What do you mean 'Jake won't care'?" If a guy walks out and sees his girlfriend ontop of another guy, who's a 'friend', and doesn't care, he's cheating on her. I don't care what anybody says.
"There's uh, something you should know about that..."
... It was a load of crap.
I don't know if I'm happy about that or seriously pissed off right now. "You and Jake aren't together." Well, that was calm. I guess I'm not all that pissed. Despite what she pushed me into doing in the bar, and out here. And the fact that she probably did it to get some sort of reaction out of me. I mean, not like that, but something.
I wouldn't be surprised.
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He knows? How long has he known for? Was he just pretending to get upset to get me to confess?
If he was, I'm pissed off. That was a dirty trick. I'm happy that I'm single, in fact, I couldn't love it more. I should be thanking Sam for leaving because it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
...That was a lot of things to think but not mean all at once. And now I don't know how honest to be with Sam.
Should I tell him the whole truth, or just soften the lie? He knows something's up. He said as much. He looks like he's sure of it too, damnit.
Why did Jake have to go and start this? He's so pretty, so funny, so good in bed...so good I can't even be mad at him for this but...he's not getting any sex now.
...Alright, he's getting less sex now. Let's face it; if I take this to extremes, I'm only hurting myself.
"He started it."
What? That cannot be my best defense!
"I thought you were married for years."
Yeah, that isn't it either. Well, there's always honesty, but it has a habit of biting me in ass. I was trying to avoid ass biting tonight.
"I didn't want you to think that I'm still alone, and with the exception of my friends, I am."
Say something mean and I'll beat you.
"I'm sorry."
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"Twinkie defense. Great move." I muttered, really wishing she'd get off me. I'm going to end up wanting to do something I shouldn't be doing if she keeps this up.
And I can't believe she lied to me for her own freakin' kicks. I mean, come on!
"I thought you were married for years."
"So?"
She doesn't know Gretchen, I can move on from that. But the only woman I ever thought about spending the rest of my life with was her. There isn't anyone else. I've come close, but not enough to actually do it. Why? Because of her.
So for Carly to believe that I've been married for years is freakin' insane.
"I didn't want you to think that I'm still alone, and with the exception of my friends, I am."
... Oh.
What the hell do I say to that?
I sighed and put my hand over my eyes, trying to figure out what to say next. I don't get why she cares what I think. For the last couple of years, I've been pretty sure she hates me, that's why I never thought about contacting her.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I didn't move my hand, just sort of laid there and grumbled a little. I think I'm entitled, after all that. "Don't worry about it."
Finally, I moved my hand away, and looked at her. "Look, I'm not... y'know... with anyone. And I haven't been in a while. At least in the stable relationship sense." I think that's supposed to help, but I'm not sure how.
"You didn't have to impress me. Or... I don't know, get spiteful, or whatever the hell that was supposed to be."
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Thank you Sam for feeling obligated to say that, but I should be and I am worried about it. I sound like a liar now. A really pathetic on too. Like when Daphne used to talk about all of the guys she hooked up with over the weekend from other schools. We knew she didn't really do it, and sometimes she admitted they were 'just friends' because she couldn't damage her ego with the whole truth, and I pitied her for having to make that shit up.
Damnit, I'm like Daphne now. This must be what rock bottom feels like.
"But I am, Sam. This isn't exactly the way I thought it would be if you ever..."
No. Not there. Do not pass go, and there will be no monetary collection of any kind. I am not going there.
"You know."
That's better.
"Look, I'm not... y'know... with anyone. And I haven't been in a while. At least in the stable relationship sense."
Meaning he was, but since he's currently not, it's supposed to make me feel better. I haven't been with anyone since him. At all.
Well, almost at all. No relationships. Lots and lots of sex, but no relationships. And the whole thing with Marcello was just...sex with committment that neither one of us ever planned to follow through on. We didn't even use the word 'love' in our vowels. That can't count.
If Sam says it has been a while, I believe him. He's not like me, he tells the truth about these things. But his 'a while' is a lot better than my 'since you'.
"You didn't have to impress me. Or... I don't know, get spiteful, or whatever the hell that was supposed to be."
"I don't know what it was. He said it and I went with it. It was funny until..."
Until I started straddling you and thinking about all of the good things we used to do in this position. Then I got weak, my weakness made me fess up. That's all there is to it.
Well, thats almost all there is to it.
"Until I started missing you. I didn't really let myself do that much before, but being here with you like this..." I sighed. "The joke's on me. As usual."
I need to grow up. Badly.
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Until what?
That wasn't freakin' funny at all, so there. Not with what I had to keep myself from doing. I don't care if she didn't know about that part in advance, it still stands.
But anyway... until what?
"Until I started missing you. I didn't really let myself do that much before, but being here with you like this... The joke's on me. As usual."
... I don't know what I'm smiling about, but I'm doing it. I don't know why I'm finding that statement almost funny, but I am.
"I think it's kinda on me, considering what happened back there, but I guess it's perspective or whatever." Don't laugh Howell, she'll get pissed at you if you laugh. Don't you freakin' dare laugh because you're just now finding all this funny.
"And for what it's worth," Which probably isn't that much now... "I missed you too. All the time." If she's being honest, I guess I can be. I guess it's a lot to say that'll sound like crap to her though. It's not like I ever called her.
I guess I was just afraid to, a lot of the time. I thought about it, but it just never happened.
"And anything I did.. y'know... relationship -wise... it wasn't really anything." We're going to skip over what happened in Rome. "There wasn't anyone else that was real."
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I don't want to be bitter about this, I really don't. There's nothing that would be solved by telling him how stupid he sounds.
It's nice of Sam to say that he missed me. It is. But, if he meant it, wouldn't he have tried to get in touch with me? Phone, letter, email...he could have tried. I think I would have hopped the first flight to wherever the hell if he even hinted that he wanted me there.
I wanted to go to college because I worked my ass off to keep my grades up. One phonecall could have gotten me into any school of my choice, so of course I had to be difficult and earn my way in. I thought I'd prove something to my parents by doing things on my own.
That was all secondary though. Sam was always number one on my priority list. I just knew that when he was talking about going away, he was talking about doing it on his own. I mean, he mentioned that I could go, but I could tell it would have ruined everything.
He left to get away from me. If he missed me he should have called. If he told me he regretted breaking up even a little and wasnt really married...then yeah, I would have dropped everything to be with him.
Of course I have other priorities. Alex is at the top of the list and...
And I don't think I treat her that way. She pulled me out of a pretty dark place when I was getting over Sam. It's pretty obvious to me now that I'm still not over him, but she opened my eyes, reminded me that life doesn't end with one broken heart. I don't thank her for that often enough.
"And anything I did.. y'know... relationship -wise... it wasn't really anything. There wasn't anyone else that was real."
I guess that means it's still me.
"Sam, I..." Love you? No. I can't go down this road again. "I get it."
I leaned forward a few inches, thinking about how easy it would be to just close the distance between us and kiss him. Well, first I'd kiss him. Then I'd have to get in that mandatory foreplay bite. And after that we'd get into the fun part. Right here and now. Neither one of us is a stranger to the concept of having sex in a public place. For all of the years we spent apart, I think it would be understandable.
Besides, people would be more interested in watching than they would be in separating us. Two crazy people going at it on the pavement, against the wall, whatever, this is Los Angeles, it happens all the time.
And his body is so warm underneath me right now. Either he got a little too worked up about the lie and the explosion, or I've just forgotten how nice this really is. It would be so easy to just throw myself at him and hope for the best. He's not seeing anyone, I'm not seeing anyone, and if I'm the one that counted, he should want to be with me now that he's more mature.
...That's the problem, isnt it? He grew up, but I didn't. Sam was telling me the truth, and I was giggling on the inside for getting away with a lie. He wanted me to get off of him, but I made us stay like this. I told him that Jake 'started it' as a reflex defense because I didn't want him mad at me.
I probably shouldn't even be so quick to want this, either. Our relationship ended when Sam left me. If I had any self respect I wouldn't have put myself in this exact position in the first place, and I definitely would not be making moves to get him back when I was so hurt by him the first time.
The reality of the situation is that he walked away from me. Doesn't matter what happens next. It won't change the fact that we were over four years ago.
We were, and we are. I can't start this again.
"I should go back inside." I swung my leg around and got off of him, getting to my feet.
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You what? Hate me? Want me to leave you the hell alone? What? Say something, damn it, I can take it.
Sorta.
"I get it."
I don't think I expected that.
And would you look at how close she's getting.
I watched her eyes as she leaned down, and thought for a really long minute about just closing the distance. When she's this close, it's almost like she's asking me to do it.
I keep thinking that it's wrong, that I shouldn't, and maybe I should tell her to get up... but I don't do it.
I'm trying to figure out really how wrong it would be if we went back on old ground here.
It'd be good for closure, right?
"I should go back inside."
Looks like I don't have to worry about making the decision. It's for the best... I guess. Although I don't like letting her go back in there with things like... however the hell they're like. I need to find a way to stop giving a damn about this so much. It's over. I need to accept that.
"Yeah." I nodded as I got up, and is it wrong I feel the tiniest bit rejected because of what I'm pretty sure almost happened?
Probably is.
"Arianna's probably getting ready to spy on us by now."
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Does that mean he wanted to? When I was on top of him he was sending all kinds of vibes. For a second there I thought he was going to start things, and then he didn't, and then I didn't, but if he wants to it wouldn't be as bad for me to want to too. What if I jumped up too quick? We could have had perfectly good closure sex, and I ruined it by being negative and jumping up, and now we're never going to get that one last...
We don't need that. We're done. And I don't need it either. What I need is to go back inside, have a few more applejacks and let Jake lock up the bar, and then go home. Or go to his home. Because technically this is a very new realization, so it doesn't necessarily have to make me change my actions right away.
I mean, if I'm not going to have Sam, if I'm smart enough to stay away from him in the sweaty, closure sex kind of way, then I deserve this. Just once. Then Jake can happily promise to call me, ignore me for a few days, and then we can go back to business as usual where we're friends and Alex doesn't have to deal with the possibility of walking in on us going at it, especially when she doesn't even know that could happen to her.
Sure, she expects me to bag a hottie every once in a while, but not this hottie. Not Jake. The fact that it's her brother makes the whole thing really wrong, even if we are working the friends with benefits angle for forty eight hours.
That's not a lot of time to have sex, if you think about it.
I better not come out of this...I mean, I better not get this out of my system and then want more. Not after what I just--I need to establish some small list of rules for myself, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do that tonight.
Besides, I already promised Jake tonight. Kinda. I can't go back on that after he's had a long hard day at work.
"Arianna's probably getting ready to spy on us by now."
Oh, right. I should be thinking more in the moment than a few hours down the line, shouldn't I?
"There's nothing to see." I shook my head. "And if she's just starting now, she missed the good part."
Hopefully Jake did too.
"Before we..."
I took a step forward, wondering if he'd think I was being a tease or a bitch or a something, and gave him the kind of hug that he probably knew was coming ten seconds before I actually did it. A friendly one. Because that's all I'm going to get.
"As strange as this was, I'm glad that we ran into each other. You know, you were never far from my thoughts, it's good to see that things worked out for you."
But how things actually worked out for me is debatable.
And I'm starting to think I have issues with sex. And maturity. And selfishness. I need a therapist I'm not going to want to date.
I forced out a smile and walked back in with him.
Well, I tried. In multiple ways.
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