born from Poverty and Plenty
I've tried to write this three times and each time I try too hard to write it to the point where I just delete it ._.
Been thinking a lot. Mostly in class, because we're talking about Plato's Symposium, and if you're not familiar with it, Symposium is about a drinking party that Socrates attends, and they all decide to do a speech on love, and what's so great about love and what they think it is.
Love.
God dammit, love.
I could go on and on about how frustrated I've been in the past about it. About how I've gone through so many guys now, girls too, and it's just all... painful, in the end. And I know through lots of thinking about it, through lots of reflecting, that I hurt people. To get what I wanted.
To get the happiness in love, which I continually forgot existed. Because all I remembered from my relationships was how much pain I went through. The tears I cried made me selfish and angry, made me want more than what I had.
I did lots of stupid things. I cheated on a few, I'm sure; even though I deluded myself, told myself I still loved them while my body said otherwise. I told some I loved them when I didn't mean it. I had sex when I really didn't want to, didn't even know what it was. I spent dozens of dollars down the drain I bet. I fought when I really didn't want to fight, mostly because I didn't know how to say "I want to break up with you" or "This is the only communication I feel like we ever have" or "I feel like we're going to break up and I don't know how to stop it from happening".
For the longest time, I didn't find any blame in me. I blamed it on circumstances. They're too far away. I'm too lonely. They don't pay enough attention to me. It's my parents fault. I don't have any friends, they're the only ones I could trust.
That was stupid of me.
I do take the blame myself now, and it's most of the reason why I don't feel ready to date. But it sucks because I feel like because of my past, I feel like I will hurt someone if I can't spend enough time with them. The next person and I would basically have to keep in contact as MUCH as possible... and that's pretty impossible. How would that work, if the person I dated would have to spend all that time with me? I'm busy all the time. If it was possible, it would be a one-sided relationship, and that's terrible.
I suppose the strange thing is the flip side of this, that I just keep telling myself, "nobody's good enough, they have to fit so-and-so standards".
They'd have to be smarter than me.
They'd have to have some sort of idea for their life and career like me.
They'd have to be able to have a life outside of me.
They'd somehow have to find the time to see me even though I'm busy as hell myself.
They'd somehow would have to find a way to deal with the fact that
-In two years I plan to study abroad for a semester or two in Taiwan or somewhere else
-After the study abroad, I plan to transfer back to somewhere in California (Stanford if possible)
-After undergraduate school (2-4 years after transferring - so 4 to 6 years from now), I plan to go to graduate school probably somewhere else (Harvard if possible)
-When I go to graduate school, I plan to get a steady job and THEN maybe settle down, unless I feel like coming back to California.
They can't be too far away but if they are then they'd have to still try to see me, even though I have no time to give.
They'd have to actually want to be in a long-term relationship, and be willing to work it out with me and how we could be together.
And it's a COMPLETE paradox,
because I know I can't date long term,
but I don't like to date short term;
I don't have the time to give to someone as much as I'd want in a relationship.
But I'd want them to spend lots of time with me
and I'm not going to be able to stay in one place for just one person.
I don't have a lot to offer,
and yet'd they'd have to offer much more in that kind of relationship.
I don't think that a relationship would work out with me at ALL.
AND I'm still not even sure if I'm ready to date.
I know I can't get a perfect person. I know that, I know that my standards make me seem like that's what I want, but I feel like I'm not even asking for a perfect person.
I'm asking for someone who could tolerate my life and the fact that school is more important than they are. That seems harsh, I know - but I feel like relationships have always gotten in the way of my grades before, and that the only reason why I have a 3.8 GPA in the first place is because I don't have someone to worry about 50% of the time. My education has become the most important thing in my life, and I'm not easily willing to let it go.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel like I deserve to date anymore? After everything that's happened, do I? If I even tried to date, it just seems like I'd have to break up with them eventually. And it just feels like even though I've done a crappy job at dating, I have to ask for someone to accept that I will continue it. That just doesn't seem right.
And I KNOW I don't HAVE to date. I know that. It's just that I was thinking about it. And I was thinking that this is probably why my dating situation frustrates me, because I just don't feel like I deserve anyone or that there's anyone good enough. So much of this consists of dumb paradoxes that I just can't work my way out of.
if you went tl;dr: I should probably screw love and claim my homework as my new boyfriend.
Been thinking a lot. Mostly in class, because we're talking about Plato's Symposium, and if you're not familiar with it, Symposium is about a drinking party that Socrates attends, and they all decide to do a speech on love, and what's so great about love and what they think it is.
Love.
God dammit, love.
I could go on and on about how frustrated I've been in the past about it. About how I've gone through so many guys now, girls too, and it's just all... painful, in the end. And I know through lots of thinking about it, through lots of reflecting, that I hurt people. To get what I wanted.
To get the happiness in love, which I continually forgot existed. Because all I remembered from my relationships was how much pain I went through. The tears I cried made me selfish and angry, made me want more than what I had.
I did lots of stupid things. I cheated on a few, I'm sure; even though I deluded myself, told myself I still loved them while my body said otherwise. I told some I loved them when I didn't mean it. I had sex when I really didn't want to, didn't even know what it was. I spent dozens of dollars down the drain I bet. I fought when I really didn't want to fight, mostly because I didn't know how to say "I want to break up with you" or "This is the only communication I feel like we ever have" or "I feel like we're going to break up and I don't know how to stop it from happening".
For the longest time, I didn't find any blame in me. I blamed it on circumstances. They're too far away. I'm too lonely. They don't pay enough attention to me. It's my parents fault. I don't have any friends, they're the only ones I could trust.
That was stupid of me.
I do take the blame myself now, and it's most of the reason why I don't feel ready to date. But it sucks because I feel like because of my past, I feel like I will hurt someone if I can't spend enough time with them. The next person and I would basically have to keep in contact as MUCH as possible... and that's pretty impossible. How would that work, if the person I dated would have to spend all that time with me? I'm busy all the time. If it was possible, it would be a one-sided relationship, and that's terrible.
I suppose the strange thing is the flip side of this, that I just keep telling myself, "nobody's good enough, they have to fit so-and-so standards".
They'd have to be smarter than me.
They'd have to have some sort of idea for their life and career like me.
They'd have to be able to have a life outside of me.
They'd somehow have to find the time to see me even though I'm busy as hell myself.
They'd somehow would have to find a way to deal with the fact that
-In two years I plan to study abroad for a semester or two in Taiwan or somewhere else
-After the study abroad, I plan to transfer back to somewhere in California (Stanford if possible)
-After undergraduate school (2-4 years after transferring - so 4 to 6 years from now), I plan to go to graduate school probably somewhere else (Harvard if possible)
-When I go to graduate school, I plan to get a steady job and THEN maybe settle down, unless I feel like coming back to California.
They can't be too far away but if they are then they'd have to still try to see me, even though I have no time to give.
They'd have to actually want to be in a long-term relationship, and be willing to work it out with me and how we could be together.
And it's a COMPLETE paradox,
because I know I can't date long term,
but I don't like to date short term;
I don't have the time to give to someone as much as I'd want in a relationship.
But I'd want them to spend lots of time with me
and I'm not going to be able to stay in one place for just one person.
I don't have a lot to offer,
and yet'd they'd have to offer much more in that kind of relationship.
I don't think that a relationship would work out with me at ALL.
AND I'm still not even sure if I'm ready to date.
I know I can't get a perfect person. I know that, I know that my standards make me seem like that's what I want, but I feel like I'm not even asking for a perfect person.
I'm asking for someone who could tolerate my life and the fact that school is more important than they are. That seems harsh, I know - but I feel like relationships have always gotten in the way of my grades before, and that the only reason why I have a 3.8 GPA in the first place is because I don't have someone to worry about 50% of the time. My education has become the most important thing in my life, and I'm not easily willing to let it go.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel like I deserve to date anymore? After everything that's happened, do I? If I even tried to date, it just seems like I'd have to break up with them eventually. And it just feels like even though I've done a crappy job at dating, I have to ask for someone to accept that I will continue it. That just doesn't seem right.
And I KNOW I don't HAVE to date. I know that. It's just that I was thinking about it. And I was thinking that this is probably why my dating situation frustrates me, because I just don't feel like I deserve anyone or that there's anyone good enough. So much of this consists of dumb paradoxes that I just can't work my way out of.
if you went tl;dr: I should probably screw love and claim my homework as my new boyfriend.