the epic birthday dress battle round i
This is actually something that I'm IMing furiously over to Peter at the moment, but it's kind of funny/depressing/ranty enough to post here. I suspect there will be several more battles like this.
So I decided, after getting over the massive heartbreak that was this dress fiasco (and that even though I really WANTED that dress for my birthday, Windsor made tracking it down not worth it), I'm making myself a dress for my birthday. It's taken me a while to think about this mostly because I couldn't decide if I really wanted to do this, if I'd have the time to do this, and if my fabric was really suited for it. I finally decided when I found these fabrics and pulled them together that, even if it seems a little dubious and I'm a little scared about making this dress, it's going to be a pretty, pretty dress that I know will make me feel like a princess.
If you're wondering what my future dress is supposed to look like, it's basically this pattern, but using a pattern that isn't really like that at all. I'm adding in things like the silver trim you see in the picture, the lace, and questionably a double-colored petticoat which I haven't decided on and will get there when I get to that. In other words, I'm practically making this dress from scratch.
This, obviously, can be disastrous.
But of course I'm thinking, "Well, it's for my birthday, and I've sewn a dozen times before, I'm sure I can figure this out like nothing! It's just attaching a tying halter top to the bodice itself and adding in a modesty patch to cover the generous amounts of cleavage I've got going on my dress, that's simple!"
When I say modesty patch, btw, I mean those strips of fabric they have on v-neck tops a lot that go across the breasts, so you're not flashing the entire world your boobie lines. It turns out those things aren't called modesty patches though, because I googled that shit and I kept getting a bunch of thongs, which was just lovely because that doesn't help me to figure out how to put them on my dress, but I'll get to that part in a moment.
This, by the way, is the part where I'm going to sound like I'm speaking gibberish, because I've always said that learning how to sew is basically learning how to think backwards. Because when you're sewing, you take a garment you think you're familiar with (say, a dress in this case) and then you mindfuck yourself by taking it apart to put it back together again, only to realise that simple little thing can outwit your computer. (Unless you, like many of us, call your computer stupid on a regular basis. In that case, I suppose that garment can outwit your computer if it suddenly gained sentience and could smack you upside the head for insulting it daily like any sentient being would if it was being insulted that often.)
So today, as I was working on only the bodice alone, this was my game plan: In theory, I was going to have the dress itself, then the modesty patch, and then lining on the inside of the dress sandwiched in that order. Before I sewed in all the lining, I was also going to place the straps crisscrossed onto the opposite sides of the back. Simple enough to understand, right?
But then I realise oh no, my boobie bodice piece is two separate pieces. And the way that works is that I'm supposed to sew the two boobie pieces to the waistband WHICH IS WHY I WANTED THAT MODESTY PATCH BIT IN THE FIRST PLACE, because the gratuitous amounts of boobs going on there is VERY GRATUITOUS INDEED, SIR. (Waistband is a very, very loose term btw, since it's technically a midriff band but whatever. I'm talking about the band of fabric that's going across my tummy that's below my boobies and above my skirt.)
Then I'm like gee, well technically I need the entire top bodice as one piece, but not only is it disconnected at my boobie cleavage, it's also disconnected in the back because I have a zipper hanging out back there.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, my dress decides to really fuck with my brain by trying to figure out this whole modesty patch issue AND the criss cross straps AT THE SAME TIME (because I'm altering the pattern a fuck ton and I thought this was going to be easy, dammit).
So my entire afternoon has kind of felt like playing with a Rubik's cube but with a DRESS. And every time I think I figure something out, I mess something else up.
For a while I was like okay, well maybe I can just sew the two boobs together, then put the modesty patch on top. BUT NO, MY LINING GETS IN THE WAY BECAUSE MY LINING IS A DOUCHEBAG THAT WANTS TO COCKBLOCK ME FROM SAVING MY BOOBS FROM BEING IN THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.
And then, to try not to think about the stupid modesty patch, I'm thinking well maybe I can pin the straps to the back just so I know if they fit comfortably and if they're too long or too short, BUT NO. MY LINING IS BEING AN ASSHOLE AGAIN.
AND. If I sew the lining down first, then there's no place for the modesty patch to hang out and I still can't figure out these fucking straps.
Well, now I feel like I'm playing a game of Portal. Except it's NOT FUN and there are NO PROMISES OF CAKE, just the promise of being a pretty, pretty princess WHICH IS A LIE ANYWAY.
So my dress is now taunting me, just going "Hurrdurrdurr, I'm fucking with your brain because you could be a pretty princess but you're just too stupid to be a princess! Remember why you gave up on being a fashion designer ages ago? Happy birthday you loser! :B"
And I'm sitting here sobbing my eyes out because I have a dress that wants to be made and I can't, for the life of me, think backwards or forwards anymore lest I go all Back to the Future on my ass except somehow with sewing. And I'm sure at this point I make no sense to ANYONE because this is how much my dress has broken my spirit within the last few hours.
I haven't even gotten to the rest of the dress yet, I'm still only on the bodice.
Fuck.
So I decided, after getting over the massive heartbreak that was this dress fiasco (and that even though I really WANTED that dress for my birthday, Windsor made tracking it down not worth it), I'm making myself a dress for my birthday. It's taken me a while to think about this mostly because I couldn't decide if I really wanted to do this, if I'd have the time to do this, and if my fabric was really suited for it. I finally decided when I found these fabrics and pulled them together that, even if it seems a little dubious and I'm a little scared about making this dress, it's going to be a pretty, pretty dress that I know will make me feel like a princess.
If you're wondering what my future dress is supposed to look like, it's basically this pattern, but using a pattern that isn't really like that at all. I'm adding in things like the silver trim you see in the picture, the lace, and questionably a double-colored petticoat which I haven't decided on and will get there when I get to that. In other words, I'm practically making this dress from scratch.
This, obviously, can be disastrous.
But of course I'm thinking, "Well, it's for my birthday, and I've sewn a dozen times before, I'm sure I can figure this out like nothing! It's just attaching a tying halter top to the bodice itself and adding in a modesty patch to cover the generous amounts of cleavage I've got going on my dress, that's simple!"
When I say modesty patch, btw, I mean those strips of fabric they have on v-neck tops a lot that go across the breasts, so you're not flashing the entire world your boobie lines. It turns out those things aren't called modesty patches though, because I googled that shit and I kept getting a bunch of thongs, which was just lovely because that doesn't help me to figure out how to put them on my dress, but I'll get to that part in a moment.
This, by the way, is the part where I'm going to sound like I'm speaking gibberish, because I've always said that learning how to sew is basically learning how to think backwards. Because when you're sewing, you take a garment you think you're familiar with (say, a dress in this case) and then you mindfuck yourself by taking it apart to put it back together again, only to realise that simple little thing can outwit your computer. (Unless you, like many of us, call your computer stupid on a regular basis. In that case, I suppose that garment can outwit your computer if it suddenly gained sentience and could smack you upside the head for insulting it daily like any sentient being would if it was being insulted that often.)
So today, as I was working on only the bodice alone, this was my game plan: In theory, I was going to have the dress itself, then the modesty patch, and then lining on the inside of the dress sandwiched in that order. Before I sewed in all the lining, I was also going to place the straps crisscrossed onto the opposite sides of the back. Simple enough to understand, right?
But then I realise oh no, my boobie bodice piece is two separate pieces. And the way that works is that I'm supposed to sew the two boobie pieces to the waistband WHICH IS WHY I WANTED THAT MODESTY PATCH BIT IN THE FIRST PLACE, because the gratuitous amounts of boobs going on there is VERY GRATUITOUS INDEED, SIR. (Waistband is a very, very loose term btw, since it's technically a midriff band but whatever. I'm talking about the band of fabric that's going across my tummy that's below my boobies and above my skirt.)
Then I'm like gee, well technically I need the entire top bodice as one piece, but not only is it disconnected at my boobie cleavage, it's also disconnected in the back because I have a zipper hanging out back there.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, my dress decides to really fuck with my brain by trying to figure out this whole modesty patch issue AND the criss cross straps AT THE SAME TIME (because I'm altering the pattern a fuck ton and I thought this was going to be easy, dammit).
So my entire afternoon has kind of felt like playing with a Rubik's cube but with a DRESS. And every time I think I figure something out, I mess something else up.
For a while I was like okay, well maybe I can just sew the two boobs together, then put the modesty patch on top. BUT NO, MY LINING GETS IN THE WAY BECAUSE MY LINING IS A DOUCHEBAG THAT WANTS TO COCKBLOCK ME FROM SAVING MY BOOBS FROM BEING IN THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.
And then, to try not to think about the stupid modesty patch, I'm thinking well maybe I can pin the straps to the back just so I know if they fit comfortably and if they're too long or too short, BUT NO. MY LINING IS BEING AN ASSHOLE AGAIN.
AND. If I sew the lining down first, then there's no place for the modesty patch to hang out and I still can't figure out these fucking straps.
Well, now I feel like I'm playing a game of Portal. Except it's NOT FUN and there are NO PROMISES OF CAKE, just the promise of being a pretty, pretty princess WHICH IS A LIE ANYWAY.
So my dress is now taunting me, just going "Hurrdurrdurr, I'm fucking with your brain because you could be a pretty princess but you're just too stupid to be a princess! Remember why you gave up on being a fashion designer ages ago? Happy birthday you loser! :B"
And I'm sitting here sobbing my eyes out because I have a dress that wants to be made and I can't, for the life of me, think backwards or forwards anymore lest I go all Back to the Future on my ass except somehow with sewing. And I'm sure at this point I make no sense to ANYONE because this is how much my dress has broken my spirit within the last few hours.
I haven't even gotten to the rest of the dress yet, I'm still only on the bodice.
Fuck.