my own dear
This is a really big "what the fuuuuuuuck am I doing with my life" post, so please ignore the word vomit. Also, there's a lot of talk about stupidity with ex's, stupidity with current relationships, trust issues, and relationship issues, so read at your own risk.
My life would be a lot easier if I could just say she was ugly.
But she's not. So my life's not. And I sit here wondering what their relationship is like.
Since when did I get like this? My trust issues have been off the wall, I know that - I knew that the second I internet stalked her, since I compared myself to her, since I asked him if he would ever want to be with her again.
What happened to taking it slow? What happened to making sure I trust this guy?
My mind keeps bouncing back and forth, back and forth - we should get together right now! I should break up with him so I can save myself from getting hurt! We need to get to the future where I don't have to worry about these trust issues anymore! Maybe I should just get rid of him entirely! We should actually build on those trust issues and eliminate them! Maybe I should actually take care of my issues first?
That last statement strangely, even though it resonates the loudest of all of the rest, seems to be drowned out. I want to ignore the fact that I have issues. I want to pretend I'm fine and that either I will be in a perfect relationship where I don't have to worry about losing him or just break up with him and I'll be a single girl again who doesn't have to worry about these things.
It's difficult how my trust issues let me let people into my life, but I am constantly paranoid that they will leave me. Sometimes I wish it were the other way around, because then I wouldn't have to worry about people lying to my face when they say they care. I know this is bad in a relationship that is primarily focused on the current moment rather than the ultimate end result. But I feel like sometimes this is my scientific mind speaking - logically we seem to work together, so let me test out my hypothesis and see if it's true. Yet I know what I really, truly need is just time to be with him to take it slow so that I can trust him like I need to, like we promised. How is it that even though we promised I'm still thinking about the end?
It's difficult too because physically, we have gone fast... I became extremely comfortable with him in a matter of days, and I didn't have to worry about any of the usual problems of dating where I flinch just from feeling someone else's skin on mine. We kissed within a few days of knowing each other. Hell, four months of dating and we've had sex already and we've both slipped out the L word a few times (No, not llamas or lesbians or that one softcore porn show). So what else is there? But to tell myself, emotionally, that we are actually at a much slower pace? That we're not actually together and we won't be any time soon? That there really shouldn't be any pressure for us to get together right away? That the end is just a big, mysterious blank?
One of the biggest problems is just that I don't want to be one of his ex's. I don't want him to be one of mine. But to say that assumes that we will be together when we're still just dating right now. He hasn't asked, and I'm beginning to understand that he'd rather not until both he and my issues (more emphasis on my own, I would imagine) are a little more resolved and until we get to know each other better. But I'm so scared we will wake up one day to say "You know, this isn't really working out. Bye." I... can't do that. I can't even imagine that right now. It would break my heart to imagine that with someone who I feel so much towards. I'm often scared that the fact that I feel like this means that he doesn't love me nearly as much as I love him, even though I know that's not true.
Oh Darwin. Why did you have to sum it up so eloquently? "Like a child that has something it loves beyond measure, I long to dwell on the words my own dear Emma." Because that's exactly what it feels like but worse. I want to make him mine, so that I don't have to worry about things like a broken heart. I want to be a child who claims him as my own. But like a child I'm prone to destroying many a good thing before I would know its ultimate significance.
Ugh, how am I going to get through this? I know in the end, going slow will be good for me so that I can resolve a lot of the trust issues I have... but really, to tell myself that he's denying a more secure future for us because he cares about me? It doesn't work out so well. I know need to just pretend that we're still in the first month of dating, but dammit... it's so impossible sometimes.
My life would be a lot easier if I could just say she was ugly.
But she's not. So my life's not. And I sit here wondering what their relationship is like.
Since when did I get like this? My trust issues have been off the wall, I know that - I knew that the second I internet stalked her, since I compared myself to her, since I asked him if he would ever want to be with her again.
What happened to taking it slow? What happened to making sure I trust this guy?
My mind keeps bouncing back and forth, back and forth - we should get together right now! I should break up with him so I can save myself from getting hurt! We need to get to the future where I don't have to worry about these trust issues anymore! Maybe I should just get rid of him entirely! We should actually build on those trust issues and eliminate them! Maybe I should actually take care of my issues first?
That last statement strangely, even though it resonates the loudest of all of the rest, seems to be drowned out. I want to ignore the fact that I have issues. I want to pretend I'm fine and that either I will be in a perfect relationship where I don't have to worry about losing him or just break up with him and I'll be a single girl again who doesn't have to worry about these things.
It's difficult how my trust issues let me let people into my life, but I am constantly paranoid that they will leave me. Sometimes I wish it were the other way around, because then I wouldn't have to worry about people lying to my face when they say they care. I know this is bad in a relationship that is primarily focused on the current moment rather than the ultimate end result. But I feel like sometimes this is my scientific mind speaking - logically we seem to work together, so let me test out my hypothesis and see if it's true. Yet I know what I really, truly need is just time to be with him to take it slow so that I can trust him like I need to, like we promised. How is it that even though we promised I'm still thinking about the end?
It's difficult too because physically, we have gone fast... I became extremely comfortable with him in a matter of days, and I didn't have to worry about any of the usual problems of dating where I flinch just from feeling someone else's skin on mine. We kissed within a few days of knowing each other. Hell, four months of dating and we've had sex already and we've both slipped out the L word a few times (No, not llamas or lesbians or that one softcore porn show). So what else is there? But to tell myself, emotionally, that we are actually at a much slower pace? That we're not actually together and we won't be any time soon? That there really shouldn't be any pressure for us to get together right away? That the end is just a big, mysterious blank?
One of the biggest problems is just that I don't want to be one of his ex's. I don't want him to be one of mine. But to say that assumes that we will be together when we're still just dating right now. He hasn't asked, and I'm beginning to understand that he'd rather not until both he and my issues (more emphasis on my own, I would imagine) are a little more resolved and until we get to know each other better. But I'm so scared we will wake up one day to say "You know, this isn't really working out. Bye." I... can't do that. I can't even imagine that right now. It would break my heart to imagine that with someone who I feel so much towards. I'm often scared that the fact that I feel like this means that he doesn't love me nearly as much as I love him, even though I know that's not true.
Oh Darwin. Why did you have to sum it up so eloquently? "Like a child that has something it loves beyond measure, I long to dwell on the words my own dear Emma." Because that's exactly what it feels like but worse. I want to make him mine, so that I don't have to worry about things like a broken heart. I want to be a child who claims him as my own. But like a child I'm prone to destroying many a good thing before I would know its ultimate significance.
Ugh, how am I going to get through this? I know in the end, going slow will be good for me so that I can resolve a lot of the trust issues I have... but really, to tell myself that he's denying a more secure future for us because he cares about me? It doesn't work out so well. I know need to just pretend that we're still in the first month of dating, but dammit... it's so impossible sometimes.