(no subject)
So I don't know what to do. I've gone past the eight month mark and I still hate LA. It's just not where I want to live.
Remember my journal entries from the past couple of years? I was all free and passionate and doing exciting things and living life on my terms and doing exactly what I wanted. I'm not that person anymore. A lot of me died when I moved here. I'm either depressed about living here or numb.
But I don't know what to do. Sam is the love of my life. He's it. He's the guy I spent ten years hoping to find and when I met him I stopped looking. I never thought I'd get this lucky, to find someone this vibrant and caring and passionate and, frankly, hot. In fact I have some insecurities that have been popping up about getting to be with him that I've got to learn to deal with (I am worthy of physical desire, I am worthy of physical desire).
But I constantly have to decide if he's worth everything I gave up. I don't live in my hippy paradise that made me happier then any other place ever did. I'm not surrounded by a loving community full of inspiring, badass people. I don't live somewhere I desperately want to live in, full of things I want to do, people I want to spend time with, and easy ways to get around (bikability and kickass public transportation).
I also lost the ability to be a wild child nomad chick. The endless possibilities of things I could do, experiences I could go out and experience, gone. I've got to stay put. I have a real job, and a partner, and an apartment I've lived in for longer than I've ever lived in one place since the co-op in college.
And I'm not ready! The timing was off! I wasn't ready to give all that up. I need more time to be a carefree, creative, exploring nomad. I'm not ready to settle down. I have this amazing job and I'm getting antsy about it. I know it's not the adult thing to think, but I want to quit my job and go off and have adventures. My brother just flew to Rome to live there for nine weeks studying Italian. And a few months ago he went to Cambodia to do research for a book he's writing. When did he become the adventurous one? When did I lose it?
When I met Sam. But again, I love him. He's the one thing I don't feel antsy with, don't feel like I've been with too long but instead not nearly enough. I truly believe that if I leave him I will never find someone who matches me so perfectly. Any other man I'd compare to him and they'd fail. If I leave I may be choosing to be alone for the rest of my life.
And I don't want to leave him. I don't want to fuck up the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I don't want to sacrifice who I was becoming to be either. I feel like I've been on stasis ever sine I moved here. In fact, I've backslid. I don't write, don't cook, don't bike ride, don't go to the gym, don't eat well, I've stopped RECYCLING in my apartment because there's no way to do it. Me, not recycling. The girl who bought a recycling can with her own money for a teacher in sixth grade so her class could recycle. I've given up a little.
And yeah, we're trying to move into this ecovillage and that will improve things greatly. But it can't be everything. I'm still never going to want to live here. And Sam can't promise he'll ever be able to leave.
So I don't know what to do.
Fuck I miss the bay area so much right now I can't stand it. FUCK.
Remember my journal entries from the past couple of years? I was all free and passionate and doing exciting things and living life on my terms and doing exactly what I wanted. I'm not that person anymore. A lot of me died when I moved here. I'm either depressed about living here or numb.
But I don't know what to do. Sam is the love of my life. He's it. He's the guy I spent ten years hoping to find and when I met him I stopped looking. I never thought I'd get this lucky, to find someone this vibrant and caring and passionate and, frankly, hot. In fact I have some insecurities that have been popping up about getting to be with him that I've got to learn to deal with (I am worthy of physical desire, I am worthy of physical desire).
But I constantly have to decide if he's worth everything I gave up. I don't live in my hippy paradise that made me happier then any other place ever did. I'm not surrounded by a loving community full of inspiring, badass people. I don't live somewhere I desperately want to live in, full of things I want to do, people I want to spend time with, and easy ways to get around (bikability and kickass public transportation).
I also lost the ability to be a wild child nomad chick. The endless possibilities of things I could do, experiences I could go out and experience, gone. I've got to stay put. I have a real job, and a partner, and an apartment I've lived in for longer than I've ever lived in one place since the co-op in college.
And I'm not ready! The timing was off! I wasn't ready to give all that up. I need more time to be a carefree, creative, exploring nomad. I'm not ready to settle down. I have this amazing job and I'm getting antsy about it. I know it's not the adult thing to think, but I want to quit my job and go off and have adventures. My brother just flew to Rome to live there for nine weeks studying Italian. And a few months ago he went to Cambodia to do research for a book he's writing. When did he become the adventurous one? When did I lose it?
When I met Sam. But again, I love him. He's the one thing I don't feel antsy with, don't feel like I've been with too long but instead not nearly enough. I truly believe that if I leave him I will never find someone who matches me so perfectly. Any other man I'd compare to him and they'd fail. If I leave I may be choosing to be alone for the rest of my life.
And I don't want to leave him. I don't want to fuck up the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I don't want to sacrifice who I was becoming to be either. I feel like I've been on stasis ever sine I moved here. In fact, I've backslid. I don't write, don't cook, don't bike ride, don't go to the gym, don't eat well, I've stopped RECYCLING in my apartment because there's no way to do it. Me, not recycling. The girl who bought a recycling can with her own money for a teacher in sixth grade so her class could recycle. I've given up a little.
And yeah, we're trying to move into this ecovillage and that will improve things greatly. But it can't be everything. I'm still never going to want to live here. And Sam can't promise he'll ever be able to leave.
So I don't know what to do.
Fuck I miss the bay area so much right now I can't stand it. FUCK.