Alone........ Part III
Well........ I mentioned that I was toying with Heath’s perspective of Alone, and a couple of people said they’d be up for that, and I wasn’t ready to be done thinking about him yet, so I wrote this. I do not claim to know anything about what happens to us after we die. I’ve read some things and find it to be a fascinating concept. I truly do not believe that our being is extinguished along with our heart beat. I think that there is much that we don’t understand, and while I believe in God, I believe that he is much bigger and greater than he is portrayed in the Bible or in Church. Personally, I feel that we’ve squished him into a box, trying to make him into something small and earthly that we can understand, even going so far as to give him our prejudices and small-mindedness when it suits us.
So, this is totally rampant, fanciful fiction, even more so than the first two parts. It made me cry but it made me feel better too. It made the Betababe cry a river, and I’m not sure if she feels any better or not, but she’s having a hard time in RL right now too, so we have to cut her some emotional slack.
This is Heath’s POV, and I gave it the ending that I wanted and needed, so you can imagine how that goes. Feel free to read or pass, I understand either way. I really wrote this for me, but I thought some of you might enjoy it too since you enjoyed the first parts of Alone.
Hugs all around. S.
I’m dead, Jake.
They keep telling me I need to move on... I tell them I can’t and they say, “Yes, you can.” Finally I told them to leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to, and they backed off then. I know they think I’m pathetic but I could give a rat’s ass right now.
Jesus Jake, I still can’t fucking believe this...... This was so not supposed to happen. God! I hope you know that, that it was a fucking fucked up accident, not that it matters now, I don’t guess. But it does.... it still matters to me. It’s weird man.... I’m here now, and I know everything’s different, but I’m still me, you know, and I still feel the same, like I’m just in another room or something, or maybe asleep and dreaming and I’ll wake up any minute and this will all just be a fucking nightmare.
But that’s not going to happen and I need to quit thinking that maybe it will. It’s just hurts more, fooling myself and then having to face reality again and again. I’m here now, no coming back to you, and so I’ve just gotta deal with it and figure out what to do next.
*********
It’s been almost two weeks now.... two weeks for you, anyway.... time’s different here.... everything’s different here.... not bad, really, if you’re ok with being here, just different. They keep telling me this is just temporary, a place for me to get my shit together so I can move on, like on to another life or something, I guess, I don’t know.... Shit! I can’t even stand to talk to ‘em about it... They say take your time and you’ll know when you’re ready and all that crap.... They don’t understand. I keep tellin’ ‘em I’m never gonna be ready, that this is fucked up and I’m not going anywhere..... They just nod and look all sorry...... what the fuck ever......
I can’t fucking believe this, Jake. Goddamn! Bet you woulda never guessed you can cuss in Heaven, huh? Lucky for you, since you make me look like a saint with that trash mouth of yours.... It sure ain’t Heaven like they talked about in Sunday school..... Nobody floats around on clouds and if they’ve got wings they’ve got ‘em all covered up. I kinda wanna ask somebody, can’t help but be a little curious, but then they’ll think I’m starting to be ok with being here, and I’m not, so I’m just gonna stay quiet for now.
I can see you, you know........ Shit, Jake.... I don’t know who I should feel sorrier for, me or you. I feel so fucking bad about this for all you guys.... My folks and Michelle are freakin’ out, no surprise there. That shit with Michelle got so fucked up in the end but you don’t just quit loving somebody, even when you can’t stand ‘em anymore, so I know this is really hard on her, especially with all that Mary Kate bullshit... as if I would ever get naked with that skanky........ Ummm, well, ok, so I went through a pretty serious dumbass phase there for a while.... Anyway, I feel like shit for putting M. through this, even though it was an accident and I’m the one fucking dead. Damn.... it’s like even when I’m dead I’m giving her hell....
But she’ll get over it, I’m not worried about that. My folks’ll never be the same, I don’t guess.... Nobody is when they lose their kid. It fuckin’ sucks, I know, ‘cause now I’ve lost mine too...... Every time I think about it, I cry my fucking eyes out. I love her so much..... Can’t even believe I’ll never get to touch her again, never get to snuggle up with her when it’s time for her nap, smell her baby smells, listen to her laugh.... I know you want a kid, Jake. I never wanted you to have one before - God I was so fuckin’ selfish - but I just never wanted you to have anything that would take you away from me even more than you already were, but now, hell, I really hope you get to have one, or even some.... There’s nothing like it, you know, it’s the purest kinda love you can feel, the way you love your kid.
She’ll be ok too, though, I know she will. She’s not even really gonna miss me, which kills me, but that’s ok........ She’s so young.... too young to really get what’s going on, which is good, I guess. This way she won’t have to hurt so much. She can find out about me later, when she’s older.... Hopefully all this drug shit will be garbage by then and she’ll hear mostly good stuff.... You can tell her what an obnoxious arse I was if you want to. If anybody’s earned the right, you have.
Michelle adores her. I know she’ll take the best care of her, and my folks as well... I hope my folks get to see her a lot and be a part of her life. That’ll blow if they don’t, but who knows what the fuck the future will bring..... not me, obviously! I hope they don’t get into it over my money, but I know that shit happens all the time. Cripes!
Michelle’ll keep working and it won’t be long before she hooks up with somebody new, the nature of the beast. That’s what I fuckin’ hate the most, knowing there’s gonna be all these weirdo freak guys just comin’ and goin’ through her life and I’ve got no control and no say about any of it. I wish Michelle would let you take her some, but I bet that won’t happen..... She’ll end up just blowing the whole godfather thing off after a while and you’ll be yesterday’s news..... I never thought she ever knew about us, but now I’m not so sure..... I can’t feel her like I can feel you, can’t see her nearly as clear... She’s got lots of stuff hidden, but I get the feeling now that maybe she knew all along that something was up and just never said.... Or maybe she was just suspicious and now she’s gonna take it out on you......
You’re the one who’s hurtin’ the most of anybody.... I can feel your sadness like it’s my own, see you crying and it makes me cry too.... God....... If there was anything I could do you gotta know that I would.... I’m hurtin’ just as bad.... miss you so fuckin’ much already. Makes me see what a goddamn fool I was all that time we were apart, like I was really having such a great life without you when I thought about you every fucking day...
You said, that last time we were really together, that if I loved M. I needed to get the fuck over you and do right by her and the baby. You sounded so smart and responsible, like you really knew what you were talking about, and yeah, it made sense I guess.... I did love her, in a way, yeah, but I think I was in love with the whole idea of having a family and normal life as much as I was with her. Once we got past the initial baby euphoria, it all started crumbling, ‘cause my heart never really was with her... It was always with you....... It fuckin’ belonged to you, from that very first day when we made love by that stream.... yeah, we were just fuckin’ around, experimentin’, whatever you want to call it, but I can look back and see that day, Jake, just like watching it on a movie screen I can watch us, and that was love we were making, whether we knew it or not.
God we were so fucking stupid.......
Ok, not we. Me. I was the one who was so fucking stupid.
*********
They said that when I’m ready to move on outta purgatory or where the fuck ever this is, that I can start fresh with a new life and shit, forget all the old stuff, but I don’t want to. They keep saying that’s normal and eventually I will, that everybody goes at a different pace, but I don’t see it happening, man. I’m not the only one, either....... I’ve seen a thousand people come and go already, but there’s a bunch of us just hanging around. I see ‘em on the sidelines, like they’re waiting. Think I’m gonna try to talk to some of them, see what’s up.....
*********
I came to see you last night. That’s probably against all the rules but - like I care? I’m already dead! What are they gonna do to me that can be any worse that this? Hmmm.... probably don’t wanna know the answer to that question....
There’s a kazillion of us coming and going through here though, and I think they’ve pretty much lost interest in me..... You’d be fucking amazed at how many people die.... folks are kicking it all the time. Lots of ‘em just roll right through, folks that had really blah lives that they hated, or miserable ones that they just want to forget, babies that died before they even got started and really old people that were alone for a long time.... they got nothing to look back on, just want to get moving with the next thing. I’m still not sure what that is.... Nobody’s talked to me in a while.... I’m just hanging. They don’t seem to care, there’s plenty of room in the inn.... Guess they got that straightened out after that Mary and Joseph fiasco... hehehehe.... a little Heaven humor..... Get it?
Sorry, mate... I know you don’t think anything’s funny right now...... God, I couldn’t believe it when you were thinking about ending it all. Fuck! I’m so fucking selfish still, thought I was supposed to be all perfect up here but no, I’m the same asshole as I was down there, so when I first saw you were thinking that I was like, Yeah, come on! But that’s not right, man, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I’m bummed as shit about being here, and I hate my own dumbass self ‘cause even though it was an accident, it was still my fault... How fucking stupid can you be? Thought I was so damn smart, but I guess the whole world knows now that I wasn’t.....
So, no matter how much I’d like to see you come through that curtain..... I can’t really explain what it is..... it’s like atmosphere or something....... Anyway...... much as I want you to hurry up and get here, I know you gotta live your life. Once you got here and looked back at the mess you’d left behind, you’d be all kinds of pissed for offing yourself. I don’t want you to have to go through that shit. I’ve been watching folks a little more around here lately, and the ones that do that are always the most fucked up ones, even more than me, ‘cause like I said, you still feel everything up here..... still feel love and guilt and compassion, and some other stuff that makes me feel like a total fuckin’ perv but I guess that’s just me..... I can’t help it..... I miss you so fuckin’ much......
So yeah, I came to your room the other night. I didn’t want you to be alone, Fuck, I never want you to be alone, I want to be with you every minute, but that night especially, I just couldn’t stand watching you dyin’ in that room all by yourself. Everybody else was at the beach celebratin’ me, and yeah, I loved it, it was a great send off....... totally cool. I wanted you to go, I really hoped you’d be up for it, thought it might even cheer you up some, but I understood why you couldn’t. One look at your face and everybody woulda fuckin’ known, and what’s the point of that, especially now.
So I came to you instead, fuck the rules, and yeah, that’s why you had that fuckin’ awesome as shit dream that night... That made you feel better, didn’t it? At least for a little while.... I know just what you like, Sweet Jake, and yeah, maybe I can’t give it to you like I used to, but I always heard the mind is the most powerful sex organ anyway, and I can still touch you there. I know it made you cry the next morning when you woke up and realized it was just a dream, and that made me feel like shit, so I guess that’s why we aren’t supposed to do stuff like that....... But I just couldn’t stand the thought of never being with you again.... couldn’t stand seein’ you so alone.
That’s why I’m still here, I guess, ‘cause I can’t stand the thought of leaving you. I miss my old life, but it’s gone, no goin’ back there ever. I can get a new one... That’s kinda scary to think about, like jumpin’ off that cliff that time when we were making Brokeback..... Guess you wouldn’t know about that though.... wuss! They say no matter how we start out in life - like how we’re born or whatever - we usually end up living the life we’re s’posed to live... like, even if you start out poor or in some other shitty situation, you can bring yourself up if you really want to and if that’s gonna help you. I think the whole point of life is gettin’ to learn shit about being a better person, so we get whatever life we need to learn those lessons. I’d probably end up being a monk at one of those silent monasteries...... no sex, no booze, no cussing..... really teach me some shit... Oh my God, how fucking awful would that be?
But that’s probably not where I’d end up. I think it’s more about soul stuff, like being kind and generous and compassionate and shit, and apparently I’ve already got some of that goin’ on, ‘cause if not, I think they woulda booted my ass outta here by now. So far, they’re just lettin’ me be... I still see ‘em watching me sometimes, but nobody’s said anything lately....... I’ve been hanging out more and more around the edges, with the other folks that don’t seem to want to move on. I keep seein’ this one guy, noticed him watchin’ me a couple of times. Think I might talk to him, see if he knows what’s what..... Guess if I’m gonna be here, I may as well find out where this is and what the fuck’s going on........
*********
Glad to see you’re back at work, gettin’ your shit together finally. I know you’re still dyin’ on the inside, but you’re hidin’ it better.... Saw you went to a concert the other night.... that’s good, man. You got a lot of life left to live, you don’t need to spend every minute grieving about me. I coulda done different, I know that. You gave me plenty of chances to make the right choice but when it came down to it, I was too much of a coward. Maybe that’s one of those lessons I’ll have to learn next time around.... how to stand up and admit who I am instead of pretending to be somebody else all the goddamned time and keeping everything about my real self a fucking secret.
But this mighta still happened anyway, no matter what I did, you know? Maybe there really is a plan, like the preacherman says, maybe even when it seems all wrong and unfair, things happen the way they’re s’posed to. I was gonna fuck up your life in January, no doubt about that. You woulda ended up dumping her and settlin’ for my shit and who the fuck knows if I woulda ever gotten up the courage to be out with you. I like to think I would’ve, eventually, but I can’t swear to it.... All I can swear to is that I loved the shit out of you then and I love you even more now, ‘cause all that other bullshit that was holding me back down there’s gone and I can see you pure and clear.
I think we’re soul mates, Jake. I finally got up the nerve to talk to that guy, and yeah, like I suspected, he said he’s waiting for his wife. He’s been here for years, got offed in Vietnam back in the sixties, but he says the waitin’s not so bad.... Time’s different up here. One day he looked down on his wife and she was middle-aged, just starting to get grey hair and a few wrinkles, and then the next time he looked, which seemed like the very next day to him, she was almost totally white-headed. He said it kinda depends on how busy he is up here as to how fast time passes down there... I think he’s got a job or something..... Actually, I think I might be his job right now, figuring out what to do with me.
I told him about you..... First person I ever got to talk to about you, and I told him everyfuckin’thing, cried like a fuckin’ baby, but he was real cool about it, a real gentleman, you know, just listened to me blubber and bawl... When I finally got my shit together, he let me look at his wife through his eyes - that was cool - and I could see this pure white light comin’ off her, and he told he that’s her love for him and that it’s been just that bright and clear every since he first got here. He said love comes in all colors, depending on what kind it is and how strong it is. Family love is red like blood.... Friend love is yellow like the sun.... People that don’t know you but love you anyway, their love is orange...... That’s cool, since that’s one of my favorite colors.... I was wondering why the whole world was giving off a fuckin’ bright orange glow when I first got here.... now I know. Romantic love is blue, I woulda figured it’d be red, like Valentines and shit, shows what I know.......
Anyway, he said the purer the love is, the lighter the color gets, and when it’s totally pure, all the color’s gone from it and it’s this bright white perfect crystal beam. He said that’s really rare, ‘cause no matter how much someone loves you on earth, even your parents, they can’t help but be affected by reality-shit, like baggage and hang-ups and that one thing you did that time ten years ago that they can never forgive you for no matter how much they try.
My little girl’s love is beautiful, this gorgeous really pale pink.... She’s mad at me for being gone, you know... She doesn’t understand that I can’t help it... And really, I guess my feelings would be hurt if she wasn’t.....
But your love is perfect, just a clear white light, just like that guy’s wife. He said he used to go back and hang out with her some - in the early days - he didn’t say what they did but I imagine it was kinda like what we did the other night. He quit though, ‘cause she was so young and he wanted her to have a life. They never had kids, were only together for a little while before he got drafted, and he didn’t want her to have to go through her whole life alone. He said he figured if they were really meant to be together, then she could have her life there and still love him too, and he loved her enough to want that for her. So he backed off and she started gettin’ over it some, gettin’ back into life, but he said even though she did all that, eventually married some other guy and had kids with him, that her love for him stayed just as strong as in the beginning... it never wavered. He said the other guy came through here a couple of years ago, but didn’t hang around for long, and since then he’s been hanging out with her again and it’s good, it’s all good.
So that’s my plan...... Guess I’m gonna bug out for a while and let you live your life.... I’ll be checking in on you real often, but I’ll be quiet so you won’t know I'm there, ‘cause I don’t want to get in your way. I want you to get the most out of your time there... No point in you bein’ sad for the next fifty or sixty years, or however long you’ve got. And no, I don’t know that... I've got no way of seeing what the future will bring, or who. If someday I look down and see that you don’t love me so much anymore, that maybe my light’s dark blue or even gone, then maybe I’ll move on. But I don’t think it’ll be that way.... My mate up here says true love is the real deal, an honest to gosh gift from God, and that it doesn’t get fouled up... It’s above all that shit. He oughta know.
So I’m just gonna hang out here, probably get a job as a greeter or whatever, and wait for you, let you do the wife and kids thing, laugh when you get your Viagra and your Metamucil and shit in a few years, and then when you kick it at last, I’ll be right here waiting for you, loving you....
Jake.... I swear.
For Part IV, click here... http://sienata.livejournal.com/71328.html#cutid1