Boys In Love - Epilogue - Part 1
This is an epilogue to my very first story, Boys In Love. Many of you may not have read BIL because it's RPS, and you probably won't want to read this either, which is fine. I'll resume work on the next chapter of BFF when I get back home from this trip.
I began BIL shortly after watching BBM and discovering fanfiction. It was my way of trying to feel better after the sadness of the movie. It's just my own fantasy of Jake and Heath's life after they started making the movie and is only very loosely based on their real lives... I incorporated a lot of Jake's past and family, but very little of Heath's. Michele is just a co-star... Matilda still just a gleam in her daddy's eye.
What happened to Heath has broken all our hearts, and we are all dealing with it differently. Last Wednesday morning, I woke up with these characters back in my head.... I was surprised, because I haven't thought about them in a long time, but there they were, wanting to help me feel better. I can't help but think about what I imagine Heath was going through in the weeks and months leading up to his death, and I decided that it might help me somehow to write my own version of him through it and out onto the other side. As always, even in the midst of tragedy, I'm a happy ending girl.
I considered friends locking this entry because of all the negativity RPS was getting, but I decided against it. I like to think we're all old enough and wise enough to decide what we want to read. This is a made up story about Heath and Jake, but in it, Heath is making TDK and he's struggling with demons that are driving him crazy and pushing him to desperate measures in search of relief. If you don't want to read about that, please don't. If you do, carry on.
PS: I hope this is not too confusing... The story starts in January '08 but slips back almost immediately to late summer/early fall, 2007. Then at the end, we're back to January again. Hugs to all. Feel better soon. S.
Jake eased into wakefulness slowly, letting his senses guide him back to life. The first thing he knew was that he was alone in bed, which he hated but had become so accustomed too lately that it didn’t even register right away as wrong. He was warm and the bed was comfortable, soft but still firm enough to support them both......
Them both.......... It came to him then that he wasn’t there alone, so he shouldn’t be in bed by himself. Where was Heath?
Jake slid his leg back, searching, but there was no hot body sprawled out in the big space next to him, not even any lingering warmth where he’d lain. Dammit. They’d both flown in the previous night, him from New Mexico, Heath from London. They’d hooked up at the Palm Beach airport well after midnight and taken a rental car to their borrowed beach house in West Palm, lasting just long enough to get their bags inside before falling into bed, dead with exhaustion as soon as their heads hit the pillows. Jake remembered going to sleep with the warm, comforting push of Heath’s ass against his, but nothing after that. He slit his eyes carefully, anticipating harsh sunlight, but he found the room still enfolded in early morning gloom and the alarm clock by the bed told him that it was only just past six. Way too early to be awake after the day they’d both had yesterday, up early for work and then flying for hours.
Jake listened but heard no sounds, sniffed but discerned no smells.... Where was Heath? Why was he already up? Was he still not sleeping and just keeping secrets? Jake flashed back to early fall of the previous year, felt a ice cold finger of fear sliding down his spine as he remembered those awful weeks when he hadn’t known for sure if he’d still have Heath come the new year.
It had all started with a job. A fucking job. Heath hadn’t done much acting since Brokeback Mountain... not because he wasn’t offered roles, which had been their initial fear after coming out as a couple. That hadn’t happened though... the success of the movie and Heath’s amazing portrayal of Ennis had overshadowed, as Heath liked to say, his personal love of that disgusting ass-fucking, and the scripts had kept coming in.
Heath was picky though, part of what Jake loved about him. Neither of them was in the business to get rich or take over the status of Hollywood's next leading man. They both saw acting as an art and were only interested in parts that would stretch them as actors. Jake had actually been surprised when Heath had taken on the role of the Joker in the latest Batman movie... it seemed much too commercial for his taste. But Heath had been excited about the part, wanting to get inside the Joker and take him to the absolute limit.
As it turned out, the role had taken him to the limit instead, sending Heath into a headspace so scary that he could barely function, sleep totally eluding him as he struggled with demons in his mind that Jake had never totally understood. What he did know was that he’d come damn close to losing him and the nightmarish experience had scared the ever-loving shit out of him.
Heath swore he was over it now, that everything was fine and he was sleeping and normal again, but he’d kept the whole thing a secret at first and so Jake wasn’t completely sure that he trusted him now. They hadn’t been able to spend any time together in over a month - holidays and work schedules taking precedence as usual - and this weekend at the beach was supposed to be his time to reassure himself that everything really was ok. Where the fuck was he?
Jake hated it, the way their life had become so separate and disjointed lately. He’d always hated them having to be apart for months at a time, but especially now, after coming so close to losing everything. No job, no fucking movie, was worth that sort of risk. He and Heath weren’t just lovers - they were soul mates in every way - and Jake couldn’t imagine being in the world without Heath. This weekend was about more than just reconnecting and making sure Heath really was ok. It was about making some changes and making some plans.
Jake rolled onto his back and looked at the empty space beside him, remembered the nights last fall when he’d feared that spot might go empty for all time. Heath was so strong in so many ways that it had been all too easy for Jake to underestimate his weakness, to downplay his worry that something was really wrong. He’d gotten slapped in the face with his own worst nightmare when - on an unexpected free weekend - he’d decided to fly to Chicago where Heath was filming The Dark Knight.
Jake hadn’t called to say he was coming, wanting to surprise him, telling himself during the long flight that everything was going to be fine, but he’d been wrong... so wrong.... as he’d discovered when Heath had opened the door to his hotel room, filthy and bedraggled, looking more like a drugged out psychopath than the handsome lover he’d waved good-bye to only six weeks ago. Just one look and it had all snapped into place for Jake, the less frequent phone calls over the last few weeks, the sporadic and confusing emails and text messages.... Yeah, he’d been worried, his intuition had been screaming at him to do something, but his own career had had him by the balls and since Heath would never admit outright that anything was wrong, he’d kept going, ignoring all the signs.
He’d never imagined for a minute that it could possibly be as bad as this. One look at Heath and he knew that real life and contracts and careers would all have to go fuck themselves if they didn’t get a handle on this.... like immediately. Heath was more important to him than any movie, than any paycheck. Without him, none of that other stuff mattered worth a damn.
Barely under control on the outside and totally freaking on the inside, Jake had shouted, “Jesus Christ, Heath! What the fuck has happened to you?”
When Heath hadn’t answered, just stood there in the doorway staring at him like a zombie, Jake had lost it. Without another word, he’d slammed the door behind him, grabbed Heath by his ratty t-shirt and shoved him unresisting through the trashed hotel room, into the bathroom and straight into the shower, filthy clothes and all. He’d left him there in a shivering heap on the shower floor with the hot water streaming down, started the giant marble tub to filling, then run back to the room for bottles of water from the in-room fridge. Stripping out of his own clothes as he ran, he rushed back to the shower and climbed in with Heath.
For the first few minutes he’d just held him, sitting on the floor with his arms and legs wrapped tight around him, rocking them both gently under the steady flow of water, whispering I love you I love you I love you over and over again. When Heath finally seemed to hear, at last seemed to come back from whatever dark place he’d been hiding in, Jake had pulled away just enough to drag the wet t-shirt over his head and down his long, thin arms.
Heath had stood when prompted but stayed passive while Jake had stripped away his jeans and washed him, running the soap all over his body, touching him and cleaning him as he cursed his own stupidity for waiting so long to come. Jake hadn’t taken his eyes off Heath’s face the whole time, searching desperately for clues to tell him just how bad things really were. The bleakness he saw in Heath’s eyes was terrifying... such a contrast to the love and life and joy that he was used to seeing there, even on bad days when real life was kicking his ass. The knot in his belly eased up only a tiny bit when he saw a spark of recognition begin to kindle in Heath’s haunted eyes.
Heath had put his hands on Jake’s hips to steady himself. “How’re you here?” he’d mumbled, confused, his voice unsteady, harsh from way too many cigarettes and who knew what else. Jake had hoped to God cigarettes and booze were the only things Heath was abusing, but the more he looked at him, the more he doubted it.
“I dreamed you were dead.” And he had, but he must’ve subverted it because until he opened his mouth to speak, he’d not remembered it. He remembered it now, remembered in his dream experiencing the living death of losing the person he loved most in all the world, the keeper of his heart.
They’d stood staring at each other with grief filled eyes as his words died away, water streaming down their faces like endless tears. “Me too,” Heath had answered. “I dream it all the time now.”
His words had sliced into Jake like a knife, and he’d grabbed him hard, digging his fingers into Heath’s scalp, feeling his strong jaw clenching against his palms. “Jesus Christ, Heath, don't do this..... I’ve risked everything to be with you....... We're supposed to get old and gross together, man... you promised me....." fear rushing through his system like a swollen river overflowing its banks.
Heath had sagged in his hands, a thin, lifeless shadow of the man he’d been just a few short weeks ago. How had this happened? Why hadn't Maggie called him? Jake had wondered, his mind shooting off in a dozen directions as he tried to come to terms with the awful reality of what he was seeing.
“I’m sorry,” Heath had whispered, broken.
“Tell me, Heath, tell me what’s wrong.......” he’d urged, pulling him close till their bodies were pressed tight together from top to toe, cradling Heath’s head on his shoulder like a child’s.
“It sucks Jake, it just eatin’ me alive, man......”
“It’s just a role, Heath... It’s not real, dude, there’s nothing real about it.... it’s just all made up. You know that.”
“Yeah I know, but it’s real to me, Jake! It is me!” Heath groaned.
“No it is not you! You’re nothing like that monster... you’re one of the best people I’ve ever known, Heath,” Jake had reassured him. “Get that shit out of your head that you’re anything like that monster! Fuck Heath, you’re really scaring me, man.....”
“I’m scaring me too, Jake.... This is freakin’ my shit out bad,” Heath had whispered, shivering in Jake’s embrace.
Jake shivered too, not with cold but with fear. He looked through the glass wall of the shower, saw that the tub was full. Skinny as he was, Heath was still almost dead weight in his arms. They needed to move.
“Come on... let’s get in the tub.” Jake led him out of the large shower cube, held his elbow to steady him as they walked across the tile floor, leaving a slippery trail of puddles in their wake. Jake died a little inside just looking at him.... Heath’s hair had grown long since Jake had seen him last, was matted and scraggly, hanging in wet clumps almost to his shoulders. Where Jake was used to seeing tanned skin taunt over hard muscle, now he was looking at a scrawny body, soft and pale. He looked like death.
Jake put his hand on Heath’s hip to secure him as he stepped up into the deep tub. Once he had both feet in the water, Jake got in behind him, put his hand on Heath’s shoulder and pressed down. “Sit Boo Boo... I got your back tonight.”
Jake watched in the mirror, saw the faintest twitch around Heath’s lips at his words... nothing that would ever count for a smile on a normal day, but Jake would take whatever he could get and be grateful that night. Heath squatted down in the hot water, waited till Jake got settled behind him before he eased back into the warm, safe cradle of his thighs. Once they were set, skin to skin again, Jake invited softly, “Now tell me.....”
Heath laid his head back on Jake’s shoulder. “Tell you what? My nightmares?”
“Yeah. Tell me everything. It’s worse now, isn’t it, Heath? You’ve been keeping secrets from me.”
Heath hadn't answered right away, just lay in Jake’s arms, antsy and obviously disturbed, his hands moving constantly, pinching and picking at his arms and face, every so often disappearing under the water to run along Jake’s thighs like he was reassuring himself that he was really there. His feet, unkempt as the rest of him, kept popping out of the water to push and fidget with the faucet and knobs.
It had reminded Jake of when Heath had played around with cocaine, using it to the point where it had become an issue between them and Jake had actually been afraid they might not make it past their first year. They’d gone through a couple of really bad months, had some major fights, but when Jake had finally shut down cold on Heath and walked out on him at a party, Heath had gotten the message. Jake was pretty sure that had been his last night with the hard stuff.
It was a tough subject to bring up now, but when the silence stretched out too far with no sign of being broken, Jake had known he had to ask it. “Dude! You’re like a fuckin’ worm on a hook here. Are you on something? Do I need to be sticking my finger down your throat and callin’ nine one one?”
Jake tried to keep his tone light but his fear was real and getting stronger by the second. He’d seen Heath wigged out on muscle relaxers and wine after he’d twisted his back in a skateboard crash... he’d seen the coke working him over more than once. He’d also seen him so lost in a role that he could barely recognize in him the man he’d been living with for months, now years. He’d seen all of that, but this was different... worse... a combination of the scariest parts of everything bad he'd witnessed over the years. Jake had never seen him like this before.
Still no answer. Jake had angled around to where he had a decent view of Heath’s face. “What is it, Heath? What are you doin', man? It's ok... you can tell me. I know what I said before, but I’m not gonna leave you, I promise.... I’m not going anywhere... you couldn’t blast me outta here right now. So just chill out and tell me... what you're doing.. what’s going on....”
He’d felt the last bit of resistance drain out of Heath then, saw real tears mingle with the water droplets still clinging to his cheeks. “I’m losing it, man. I can’t fucking deal with my own goddamned head anymore and I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell me what’s wrong and we’ll figure it out. I’m here now... I’m gonna help you.”
“I don’t know if you can.... it’s bad, man... fucking scary as shit goddamn I can’t even stand bein’ me anymore.....”
Jake had squeezed him so tight that he’d worried later that he might’ve hurt him, cracked a rib even, but at the time he didn’t care. Those were the most horrible words he’d ever heard... His life... his heart... his whole existence was wrapped up in Heath. He couldn’t imagine life without him nor could he bear the thought that Heath was in such an awful place that he might actually consider leaving him in such a way.
Whatever it took, Jake had sworn that he'd do it........ that he wouldn't stop trying until he'd pulled Heath out of that dark, hellish place he was lost in and back out into the sunlight with him.
For Part 2, click here... http://sienata.livejournal.com/58200.html