Best Friends Forever - The Epilogue.... II
the rest of our story....
I knew where he was; he was living in our old room in the barn. I stayed away, partly to give him some time to be mad on his own ‘cause I figured if he had to deal with me, I’d just say the wrong thing and make it worse. Also, I figured maybe I needed to do some soul searching too, try to get my own shit figured out. I kept that condom in my wallet, sat in my study upstairs and stared at my blank computer screen for those three days, drinking beers and thinking.....
I’d read enough about being gay to be an expert on the subject and I knew me and Ennis were pretty much the exception to every rule.... Neither one of us had ever got it on with another guy. We were both too fuckin’ jealous to ever even consider it when we were still just kids, and too much in love, too. By the time I got the itch, we’d both already had our thirtieth birthdays. We weren’t kids no more and it was way too late to be playin’ games. We were supposed to be mature and responsible and all that shit...
And we were, usually. Ennis had more ribbons and trophies lying around the house than we even had places to put ‘em, and I was doing real well in my career, had three books out already and another one in the works. One a them cable channels had even contacted my agent about turning one of my books into a made-for-tv movie.....
Yeah, we had a good life together. We hardly ever fought. We still did things with our high school buddies sometimes and had made plenty a new friends along the way. We kept the girls for Whit and Rachel whenever they needed us to. And we were comfortable together, in bed and out. We’d gotten to the point where we weren’t trying new stuff, but we knew what we liked and we usually got together at least a coupla times during the week and once or twice on the weekend too.
Seemed like even that had fallen off lately, though, and I wasn’t sure why, wasn’t sure if it was him or me or both, or just life in general. I spent three lonely nights in our bed thinking about it, thinking about what my life might be like if I packed up and left, moved to New York or DC or Miami.... I had a trip coming up, out to California to talk to them about the movie thing.... What if I was to move out there, start a whole new life on my own?
I fuckin’ cried myself to sleep thinking about that. The only life I wanted was with Ennis and I knew that was never gonna change, no matter how many hot-bodied worker boys paraded around without their shirts on, no matter how many opportunities were waitin’ for me out there on the coast..... There was just somethin’ about Ennis, good ol’ country-boy redneck that he was, that had a steel grip on my heart that I wasn’t never gonna get free of even if I tried. After three days of thinkin’ about it, I knew I was wastin’ my time. On the third night, after a coupla beers and a shot of whiskey for courage, I headed over to the barn to try to make peace.
He wasn’t interested.
He wouldn’t even let me in.... I had to use the spare key, which, luckily, he’d left on the nail. I wondered if he’d forgotten about it or if that was his one way of lettin’ me know he still wanted me. If it was, he was bein’ even more subtle than usual that time around.
But once I finally found the key and let myself in, he still wanted nothing to do with me. He was curled up in bed... the room was dark and the whole place stank.... I don’t think he’d had a shower since he left me. When I turned on a lamp, he just pulled the covers up over his head. When I yanked ‘em off him, he grabbed a handful of sheet, yanked back and shouted, “Get the fuck out!”
“What the fuck, Ennis? Nothin’ happened! I can see you gettin’ mad, fine, but this is fuckin’ ridiculous! Get your ass up and come home!”
“No!” He curled up again, wouldn’t budge.
“What the hell, Ennis? You’re leavin’ me ‘cause I looked at another guy? That’s pretty fuckin’ harsh, man, even for you!”
He uncoiled off the bed then and got right up in my face, shouting and jamming his finger into my chest over and over again. “It ain’t cause you were lookin’ at another guy, Jack. It’s cause you were stalkin’ that guy for weeks, you been wantin’ to get in his pants every since you first saw him and you were fixin’ to do more than think about it! Weren’t you?!?!”
Shit..... Age hadn’t done a damn thing to help me lie.... My fuckin’ eyes gave everything away and he saw the answer as soon as he asked the question. I looked away, but not quick enough, not that that wasn’t just as damning.
“Yeah.... that’s just what I thought. You’re fuckin’ tired of the same ol’ same ol’..... You’re all famous and fixin’ to be a Hollywood hotshot and bein’ with the same ol’ guy you been fuckin’ for God knows how long just ain’t good enough anymore!”
“That ain’t true, Ennis, damn, you’re making this out to be way worse than it has to be!”
“That’s easy for you to say, Jack, ‘cause I ain’t never wanted to get it on with nobody else. It’s always just been you for me, Jack. I’m so fuckin’ pathetic...... all I ever wanted was you and once I got you, it never even entered my head that I oughta want anybody else!”
He could, when the occasion was just right, make me feel like the scummiest shitbag on the face a the planet. “Jesus, Ennis......”
“So fine! You wanna get it on with somebody else, do it! You wanna sow some wild oats or what the fuck ever, you do it! But you better wait till you get your ass out to California, ‘cause if you do it with somebody around here and I find out who it is, I’ll fuckin’ kill him! So keep it in your pants for a couple more weeks.... at least give me that little bit a peace!” His face was red and his eyes were wild and the veins were bulging out on his neck like they were gonna pop....... I’d never seen him so furious, and that’s saying a lot, ‘cause I’d had him on the edge of his temper plenty of times in our years together.
But that time, he was madder than I knew what to do with, so I just nodded and started backing away towards the door.... I figured if we touched each other again, somebody’d end up busted up and that was the last thing we needed.
I spent two more weeks at home alone. He came by every now and then to get more clothes. One time I came downstairs real quiet and caught him in our bedroom, staring at our bed, look a pure misery on his face. I wanted so bad to touch him then, to tell him how sorry I was and how much I loved him, only him, but as soon as he saw me his eyes went blank and he grabbed up his bag and left. I didn’t say anything, figured there was nothing I could say.
The night before I was to leave for California, I hardly slept at all. I knew we were at the end of our rope...... He was too mad too listen to me, and I guess he was hurt and embarrassed too, thinking he wasn’t good enough for me anymore. I figured my way with words was part of what got me into this mess, so before I left, I wrote him a note and left it on our bed. Maybe, somehow, what he wouldn’t let me say in person would come through on paper instead.
Ennis.....
I’m not perfect.... God knows I can fuck up most anything if I set my mind to it. Most stuff’s never mattered much though.... I never had too many things in my life that I really cared about or needed.
That’s ‘cause I’ve always had you, and as long as I had you, everything else was just icing on the cake. Once we got together, football wasn’t a big deal for me anymore, college got put way down on the list, work was just something to do to get a little money and fill the time till you got home, and now...... writing books and maybe making a movie...... that’s cool shit, Ennis, I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not proud and excited about it, but it won’t mean a damn thing to me if you’re not along for the ride.....
Yeah, I admit I was a dumbass, thinking maybe I was missing out on something that other guys were getting to enjoy....... But the truth is, I already got more good stuff goin’ on in my life than most guys’ll get by the time they’re eighty, and there’s no way I’d trade that in for a whole truck load of good lookin’ construction dudes. I might be a dumbass, but give me a little credit.
I know you still love me, Ennis, ‘cause I know how much you love me and there ain’t no way that kinda feeling could die this fast. I love you just as much and I sure don’t wanna lose the best thing in my life over something I just thought about doin’ in a moment of weakness and stupidity. Whatever I thought about doing.... and yeah, I admit that I thought about it.... that’s all over with now, Ennis. I don’t need to be with another man to know how much I love the man I’m already with.
I’m so sorry, Ennis. Please don’t make me pay this price.
Love, Jack
I tried to pretend like everything was normal once I got out to the coast, and it sucked even more that things weren’t right between us since I was totally in over my head, in meetings with people talking about shit I didn’t understand at all, just prayin’ my agent had a fuckin’ clue, which, thank God, she did. I sent Ennis a text message from the airport, just in case he cared if I made it ok, and even though he didn’t answer, it made me feel better, so I kept at it, sending him messages whenever I was feeling especially lost or confused. After the third day, he finally responded. I kept on like nothing was strange, didn’t let on at all that his one little message was the only thing that saved me from wanting to lock myself in my hotel room and never leave again.
I went out to some gay bars over the weekend, somehow felt like I owed it to both of us to put myself out there in harms way and see how I really felt. I even went to some nice places, quiet, jazzy martini bars where you could actually see people and make conversation. I met some interesting people, let a couple of guys buy me drinks, but in the end I wasn’t tempted and I went home feelin’ good about myself for the first time since our fight. I spent Sunday afternoon in my room on my laptop, making plans, and Sunday night, I sent Ennis another text.
“Bought u a ticket out here. Emailed the info. Pls come.”
He didn’t answer my text or my e-mail, but I wasn’t totally surprised. We hadn’t yet spoken a word about anything important, just sent a few messages back and forth letting each other know we were still alive. But when I got on-line the next evening, the server said he’d opened the email, and I knew if he’d opened it, he’d read it. I decided to wait it out and let him make the next move.
I finished up with the last meeting on Wednesday at noon. I took a cab to a car rental place, picked up a convertible and headed north. I’d booked us a room at a bed and breakfast in Monterey, just a coupla blocks off the ocean. We hadn’t had a vacation in a long time; we were due.
On that Thursday morning, I woke up to the sound a sea gulls screechin’ out the window and my phone chirpin’ by the bed. It was a text message from Ennis. “Fixin’ to get on the plane. See ya in 7 hrs. LM” which was short-hand for Love, Me. I was so happy I wanted to scream, but since I had big plans for that room, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t wanna get us kicked out before he even got there.
After breakfast, I told the lady in charge that I was bringing my partner back with me that evening and that he’d be staying with me till I checked out. I could tell she wanted to ask me a million questions - she was a Mrs. Rachel type - but I cut her off as quick as I could since I had some more things to do before I headed off to the airport to pick him up.
I got to the airport with nearly an hour to spare. At first, the time seemed to drag by, but the longer I waited, the more nervous I got, till I was almost sick by the time the monitor said his plane was on the ground. But I told myself that the fact that he was coming could only be a good thing. I knew he wasn’t flyin’ all the way out there to break up with me, so that had to mean he was willing to give us another chance. I knew what I wanted. I just hoped it wouldn’t be too far out for him.
The airport was busy with people comin’ and goin’ all the time, but you could tell whenever a plane had landed ‘cause the hallway would get thick with people. A few minutes after his plane got on the ground, here they came and my stomach squenched up in a nervous wad and I tried not to look like I wanted to die, tried to stand there and look halfway cool and reasonable as I saw him materialize out of the throng, tall and lean, his hair grown out till it was almost as long and curly as when we were in high school, browner than it was blond by that time, but still soft and thick and my favorite thing to grab hold of in the throes of passion.
As soon as he saw me he slowed down, like he was scared and nervous too, and I knew he must be, remembered about all his doubts and insecurities, so I gathered up my courage and pushed off the post I’d been leaning on and started towards him. Neither one of us smiled, guess we didn’t have enough courage for that, but by the time we got close I couldn’t stop moving, just walked straight into his arms and he dropped the bag he was carrying and wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight. I buried my face in his neck and whispered his name over and over again and we stood there for a long time, the people flowing past us like salmon swimming upstream, determined to get where they were going and two queers hugged up in the middle of everything wasn’t worth a second look.
Finally he musta remembered where we were, ‘cause he pulled back about an inch and whispered, “You got anyplace better for us to go than this?” and I laughed, first real, honest-to-God laugh outta me in weeks, and grabbed his hand and drug him all the way to my car.
It was just over an hour to our bed and breakfast.... We rode all the way with the top down, enjoying the scenery and the freedom of being someplace where nobody knew us and nobody gave a damn who we were or what we were up to. When we got to our place, Dawn, the hostess, met us at the door, offering us cookies and wine and trying to give Ennis a history of the place since it was built over a hundred years ago. Ennis tried to be nice and act interested, but we were both dying to light into each other, so finally he said he need to get to the room, had to use the restroom, couldn’t hardly go on airplanes... shy bladder. She got a funny look on her face but let us go and we ran all the way up the stairs to our room, me going on about people that wanted to talk your ear off.
Ennis got smart, said, “You’re pretty much in that camp yourself, sweetheart!”
“Sometimes, but I only got two words for you right now,” I said as I opened the door to our room.
“What are they?” he asked, breathless.
“Fuck me.”
He did.
Afterwards, we sprawled out naked on the huge bed, talking slow at first, just about work, my movie deal, which he was happy about, and his goin’s on at the barn. I got us beers and sandwiches from the fridge that I’d bought earlier that morning because I didn’t want us to have to leave if we didn’t want to.... As we ate, the talk got more personal, till finally the food was gone and we were baring our souls about things we’d left ignored for way too long. Neither one of us ever cried much, but I saw a tear or two roll down his cheeks and I know I let a few loose too, but that was fine... we said what we needed to say and it was all good.
Once we were mostly done and quiet, I asked, “So... we’re ok now? Fight’s over? I’m forgiven?”
He smiled his shy, sexy smile that got me hardin’ up before I was ready too, even though I was plannin’ to have my way with his ass real soon. “Yeah.... guess I’ve been mad long enough. You’re forgiven.”
I smiled and scooted close, till our shoulders were rubbin’ and I could see the dark tobacco flecks in his brown eyes. “Good.... ‘Cause there’s somethin’ real important that I need to ask you.... I’ve been thinkin’ about this a lot, Ennis, and it’s what I really want....”
He cocked one thick, goldenbrown eyebrow... “What? You know I’ll do anything for you...”
My heart was about to beat right outta my chest when I answered back, “Yeah, but will you marry me?”
He said yes.
We got married the very next day on a secluded stretch of beach just a few miles outside of town by a guy I found in the phone book who brought his partner along as a witness. It was a real simple ceremony.... we both wore jeans and white t-shirts and went barefoot, and after it was over they took a coupla pictures with my camera and then left us and we rolled up our jeans and walked a long way down the beach, the surf nipping at our toes and jumping up to wet our pants from time to time. We didn’t care... we spent the afternoon lost in each other, talked about everything, our hopes and dreams for the future, our house, our parents, the girls..... anything and everything that came to mind. We even talked for a bit about looking to adopt some kids of our own, but we decided against it pretty quick. Megan and Mallory were plenty for us..... Ennis traveled some with his work and when he was home he spent long hours at the barn. I was always either lost in Storyville or traveling with my writing as well, so bringin’ in kids full-time didn’t make sense. Whit and Rachel were happy to share... we had all the family we needed.
That was just a few months over forty-five years ago....... Damn....... We been together almost sixty years now.... It’s hard to believe. In a way, it seems like forever, but in another way, it seems like just yesterday we were startin’ out. When I’m sittin’ here in my study, writing down my memories, I feel like the same guy I was way back then. That all changes, of course, when I have to get up and go pee and my arthritis kicks in and then I get a look at myself in the bathroom mirror..... ain’t quite the hottie boy Ennis fell in love with all those years ago.
Boy still loves me though, has showed me in a thousand million ways over our lifetime, still shows me somehow most every day...... Got us some of those pills a few years back so we could still show each other at night sometimes too, which is nice...... It’s different now, more about just being together and sharing touch than about passion and gettin’ off, but we did plenty a that for many a years, got more’n our fair share of that kinda lovin’.... I’m real happy and content with what we got now...... Growing old is hard in a lotta ways, and in the early days, losing out on that really hurt us, but once we got our pills things got good again, and in the last few years we’ve learned new ways to be happy together too.... What we do now suits us just fine......
Hardest thing about getting old is looking at the future and knowing there ain’t much of it left. ‘Course, we never know when our time’s gonna come.... We’ve been real lucky to last as long as we have, considering some of the shit we’ve got up to, and we might still have a buncha years left... Who knows? We’re both in pretty good health, take a coupla pills every morning for blood pressure and sugar and stuff, but mostly we’re all right.
But still, when you’re looking at seventy-six, you know time’s not on your side anymore and you start thinking about things, like what’re you gonna do if you’re the one left behind...... That’s the thing that freaks me out the most. We been together since we were kids, done everything together. He’s my fuckin’ world......
I got a look at this desolation first hand back when we lost his dad twenty-something years ago. My dad went first, and that was sad for sure, for all of us, especially for me and my mom, but she didn’t let it be the end of her. She moped around for a while, but she had friends and they got her busy pretty quick. She enjoyed lots more good years before her time came.
But Mrs. Rachel.... Jesus..... totally different story. Mr. Whit had a heart attack out working in the barn... Ennis found him real soon after it happened, but he was already dead. Ennis called the hospital and tried to do CPR but it was no use, too late to help him, and later, when me and Ennis talked about it, he said his dad was probably glad, that that was the way he woulda wanted to go. He said that’s the way he wanted to go too... something quick, where he didn’t have to be a burden on nobody. I reminded him that bein’ helpless wasn’t the end of the world, and he said, “No, not when you’re seventeen, but it’s totally different when you’re seventy-seven and got nowhere to go but down.”
I had to agree with that, and we both agreed we hoped for quick endings.
Mrs. Rachel was never the same after that... She lived for a couple more years, and she still fixed a few family dinners and played with her grandkids and put a smile on her face when it was needed, but her soul went with him and she was just hanging around marking time till she died.
I’m scared that’s how it’ll be for me if Ennis goes first, and I’m just as scared that that’s how it’ll be for him if I’m first out the door. We’ve talked about it a few times lately.... He had a small heart attack last year and I was freaked for weeks after, hoverin’ over him, bitchin’ if he even looked at the door. Finally he got fed up with it and yelled back at me, sick to death a me smotherin’ him, and we got into it loud and ugly at first, but then it all came out, how scared I was that he was gonna die and leave me, how much I didn’t want to go on alone. We ended up spending the evening on the couch with a fire in the fireplace and a bottle of wine - red, good for his heart - and talked about a lot of things. Ever since we got married, it seemed like every ten years or so something would happen to bring about one of those soul-deep talks and I was always thankful for them.
This time, we talked about how we wanted things to go when it was over for good.... We both wanted to be cremated, of course, and we agreed that we’d save the ashes of one till the other was gone too, and get the girls to dump ‘em out together...... We loved it out west, had started taking trips out there soon after we got hitched, so we had a spot in mind for our final resting place......
But damn.... Cheer the fuck up, you ol’ coot! That’s not happenin’ yet... I can see him out on the deck, tinkering with the grill.... We’re cookin’ out tonight... fish - good for his heart..... And I just made us reservations at that B&B we like down in The Keys.... My birthday’s still a few weeks away, but December’s a popular time down there and I wanna get the room with the good view a the ocean and the shower big enough for two.
Yeah.... we’re old and not near as pretty as we used to be, but he’s still beautiful to me and I know he feels the same, so it’s all good. We’ve had an awesome run and it ain’t over yet, so fuck some worryin’... it’s just a waste a time. Besides, regardless of what the future holds, me and Ennis are still the lucky ones... we got no reason to complain. Not many folks get to have a life like we’ve had... We hooked up in high school and got to spend our whole damn lives lovin’ each other.
Back in those days, the girls called us BFF’s... Best Friends Forever.....
Guess those girls were right.