Book Three, Chapter One: And Here my Troubles Begin...

[sieges]

I've been having some side-effects from the treatment for the sentient-poisoning I suffered. Mostly memory gaps, finding myself in places I don't remember going. I'm doing what I can to keep it under control, but it's so bloody hard. I don't even feel like me half the time. And if anyone knew what's going on in here, I doubt they'd want to continue associating with me. We still haven't unplugged my sister and I'm trying to be content with that: if she found out what happened to me, she'd be blabbing it to the wrong people and getting me in a worse jam than I'm already in.

I'm going about my usual business, training, running errands for Flood, planning the wedding -- but it's all just a mask. All just a scrim hiding what's really going on in here. I can fool even myself for a while with a show of my normal bouncy self, but deep in the night when it's me and I alone in my head, I know I'm just faking it. I'm almost of a mind to break off with Nuc: he deserves so much better than what I've become. He deserves someone normal. I haven't said anything because I don't want to hurt him, but I'm afraid if this goes on any longer, he'll be too hurt and shocked and ashamed of me to continue our relationship. Better for him to find out for himself the hard way and to let me go than for me to be the one to sever the connection.

I'm sorry for the angsty entry. I just need to get this off my chest. I'll have better news for you in the next entry.