Fiction: Finding the God in the Gate
(This was inspired by a discussion between 
dialecticdreamer and
ysabetwordsmith on the ethics of consent and bodily autonomy in science-fiction, and is set in the Blueshift Troupers universe, a sci-fi project about galactic exploration, organic technology, and shapeshifting. In brief, the Gates are techno-organic stargates in space. They have a high chance of altering someone's DNA or bodily structure when entered, causing many worlds to have people adapted for them. Because of this, teams of natural shapeshifters are in high demand in order to explore space and troubleshoot problems across the galaxy.)
Simon refused to look in the mirror the nurse brought. "I am NOT beautiful," the woman said. "I am handsome!" The nurse looked steadily at his patient. Simon continued, saying, "Handsome was once used for any good-looking thing, you know, person or otherwise." Then she narrowed her eyes. "So where is he? I know I'm going to meet God now. Where does he live?"
The nurse shook his head, and set the hand-mirror nearby. "You know they have minds of their own. I really do not understand this religion of yours, but I suppose you know what you're doing." The facts had already been discussed several times as new God-Seekers came through the local Gate looking for their god, who was supposed to be the prime controller of the Gates. They believed that the most faithful would be changed to look perfect, and would speak with Him once on the other side.
Doctor Elles walked in. "Nurse, would you step outside? I need a few moments with my patient." Once the nurse had left, he looked at the person on the bed. "Simon, I'm going to release you shortly. You check out as fully functional, with some extra benefits to boot. The Gate must have felt you needed upgrading. The MRI showed several small pumping muscles on your major veins and arteries, and the arterial sclerosis your prior records indicate has been cleaned up. Your hormones indicate a lower cortisol level than usual, and aside from the gender change, your system should be overall much more resistant to physical stress. I want to note that these changes are not unusual for the Turis destination, with its heavy-world gravity, but most of us don't need those particular alterations."
Simon stared at him, an angry frown making her nose flare visibly. "I don't care what my body is, I want to speak to God!"
The doctor rubbed his nose. "While nurses sometimes joke about doctors playing god, that's not my job. I have to say, Simon, you have quite the insistence on correlating looks with holiness. The most blessed person I know is in this building, however, and I would like you to meet him. I can't tell you who it is or where he is until both of you give consent, however."
Simon nodded, then glanced at the mirror. "I suppose I'll have to put on makeup," she said.
"Only if you want to," said Elles. "I didn't bring any, but the nurses should have some. It comes in gift kits donated from a local charity, usually for cancer patients."
Simon considered. "You know, I haven't seen anyone here wearing lipstick, and whatever else goes into makeup. What are you hiding?"
"We aren't, Simon. Most of us simply don't wear it. A few minor blemishes are no big deal when anyone can leave a space ship looking like a toad, or an orca, or whatever other animals the Gate has noticed us carrying with us. Like earthworms, which use the same sort of heart pumps you now have."
Simon stared at him in horror. "You can't! I can't! I mean-" She was quickly interrupted.
"Would you like to meet the person I mentioned?"
She looked startled for a moment, then focused again on her goal. "Of course! He'll know how to contact God!"
Doctor Elles nodded. "You'll see, I hope. It may be an hour or two. In the meantime, I'm releasing you. You can sign the form when the nurse brings it in a few minutes. Feel free to hang around the visitors' areas after that if you're willing to wait."
***
Once Simon had been released from hospital care, she spent the next half-hour in the building's cafeteria and gift shop before heading straight to the chapel. It was a generic "all religions are okay" space, with an octagonal altar toward the back and three rows of short benches, the last with backs. There was a placard near the door which said, "We respect all beliefs, but we ask that you respect equally here. Please leave all conflicts with others outside this place."
Simon sighed, and looked at the literature on the back table. There were pamphlets for at least fifteen minor religions, as well as four major holy books (one in summary form, as allowed by its religion's Office of Publications). Someone had even left a jack-in-the-box that played a tinkly song and popped up a cloth star with a smiling face when the handle was turned. She spent the next hour or so browsing the various media, waiting for her audience.
Doctor Elles met her there. "Simon! Good. He'd like to meet you, and visiting hours are still open for almost another hour."
On the way up, Elles talked about the other person. "He was unchanged by the Gate when he came here, possibly one in fifteen million at this point. His name is Herb, short for Herbert. Don't be surprised if people call him Weed, though, as he's skinny but strong, and has lasted quite a long time in our care. And yes, he's in the cancer ward."
Simon sighed. "Why does giving you cancer make you special?"
"It doesn't," said Elles. "He was special to begin with. I hope you like him."
"Why would you say that?"
"We're here. Ask him yourself."
Simon was ushered into room 331, and Elles nodded to Herb. "I'll see you tonight, okay?" Herb nodded back, and Elles left the room.
"Joe's a great guy, but he's always busy. Can't keep a man from his calling, though. Just as well keep water from freezing in the cold, you have to adulterate it first. What's your name?"
"I'm Simon. I'm keeping the name."
Herb nodded. "You keeping the look, or going to visit the cocoonery?"
"Uh.. cocoonery?"
"They have a shapeshifter care facility here, and sometimes the doctors will send someone for special treatment there. It can change you some, more if you're a natural."
"God gave me this new body. I'm keeping it."
"I see. What do you believe your god wants from you?"
"Wants? He wants us to seek him, and trust that He'll show himself once we pass through a Gate. He wants us to examine ourselves and remove every blemish we see."
"You seem to look quite good for a human."
"You're ugly. You should be changed."
Herb gave a wry frown, one side of his mouth pulling down. "My nose is a bit flat, I haven't shaved today, and I'm still scarred from bad teen acne, but I'm hardly the ugliest soul around, Simon. I don't look quite as sick as I did this time last year, when half my body weight vanished to intestinal cancer, surgery, and chemo."
"The doctor said I should meet you, that you were the most blessed person he knows. So tell me about your god."
"Joe's being sweet, you know. I married him for that romantic streak. For all I know, I just got lucky. But about my god, I'm an atheist. We carry that personal choice thing pretty far on this world, and I came here a doubter to begin with."
"He said you weren't changed by the Gate. Tell me about that."
"Okay, I will, but you have to listen. You see, when I was growing up, I wanted to be different. Punky teenager, rebel without pants, that sort of thing. I had to flaunt my sexuality in everyone's face, and they were tired of telling me to just shack up with someone and get it over with, and I was tired of meeting all the wrong people."
"Forget your sexcapades, what about the Gate!"
"Touchy! Does your religion say you'll immediately meet your god?"
"No, but it says we will."
"If you have one, I'm sure you will. Strange how that works, me not believing that religion works, you believing that people you can't see control things we can." Herb grinned, but Simon narrowed her eyes.
"Are we going to get into a debate about atheism? I want to know what you know!"
"Okay! Just where I was going. Anyway, I figured I needed to get changed, so I went for shapeshifter testing, and they found out I probably have no ability for it at all. I did get some good training in team-building and ship-mind psychology, though. That helped calm me down a bit. Meditation was part of the testing and training, and I just kept up the practice, since after the first two sessions I started to feel like I didn't have to force a boner every time I felt small."
"So you calmed down and then went through the Gate anyway?" Simon had started pacing, but Herb smiled.
"No, I spent the next five and a half years learning psychology and chemical neurology. I figured if learning how a person's mind works would calm my dick rage, then maybe I could help other folks figure themselves out too. Turns out it was mostly the meditation. I was always getting mad about not being strong enough or man enough to get respect from people, so I was demanding attention focused on my manliness. By meditating and clearing out my mind, I was forced to shut up what some folks call 'bad tape' in my head, about what being a man was supposed to mean. It also helped me clean up some bad religious BS about how God wanted us to suffer for our sins. After all, I was suffering not because of my bad behavior, but because I couldn't stop believing my dad -- everyone else was accepting, and I was just screaming and fucking my damn head off over his insistence that I should have been a girl!"
Simon stopped pacing. "Wait. He said you should have been a girl?"
"Well, yeah. He wanted a girl, even promised Momma that he'd give her two girls. When he got one boy and nothing else for eight years, he about gave up on both of us. Drinking and work drove us apart so far, and I kept trying to come back and love on him, because I needed a man who cared about me. Instead, I replayed his selfishness in every boyfriend I ever had. Eventually I called 'em up, made it a conference call for the whole family, and said I had to get some distance and figure myself out better. That was after my time at the Meta-Delta Training Center, when I was thinking about whether I wanted to be a doctor. Within a month, I was on a civilian ship out to Random AnySector, Bayes IV Gate. Promised I'd send a vid-call now and then."
Simon was rubbing her face. "He wanted a girl. And you weren't."
"And being no shapeshifter, my only chance to change and please him was a Gate. The Bayes IV seemed perfect for that, since almost half the people through change genders. I'd still like men, and my dad would see the woman he wanted."
"But you didn't change."
"I didn't have to change my body. I came through, and instead of changing my body, the Gate smiled to me. It felt like this vast mind touched mine, and smiled with an incredible deep love in it, and whispered something into me. And then we were through. I was just stunned, looking around at everyone else, trying find a mirror and look at myself. Most of us were there to get changed, it's a fairly random Gate after all. But... well."
Simon was standing right next to Herb. "So what was it? What did it say?"
Herb was about to answer, when a nurse popped her head in the door. "Hey Weed, Doc Elles said he's got a surprise for you tonight! I hope it's a good one!"
"Glad to hear it! Hey, can you pull the chair over for my guest? She's hearing my Gate story."
"Moxatious! Here you go." She grabbed the visitor's chair from its corner and wheeled it over to Simon. "Have fun! Visiting hours are over in twenty minutes." Then she popped back out, closing the door softly behind her.
"Good girl. Works the volunteer circuit here. I hope she makes Doctor once she gets back to the university. Have a seat." Simon sat, watching Herb like a cat watches a stick of butter on the table. She was even licking her lips.
"So let's see. You were asking what the Gate told me. Well, I'd make you guess, but it's not much fun. Nobody gets it the first three times, and after that it's just annoying. The Gate whispered, It was never your problem. I think it saw where I was stressed and where I wasn't, and knew just how to help me, where with most of the rest it was just playing with 'em."
"So were you disappointed?"
"Not really. I was stunned, sure. Everyone else was different. Exactly half of them had switched genders, including one guy turning intersex. There were animal themes in all but a couple of us. And you know what? Being a psychologist almost ready for internship, I pulled up the files as soon as I could. Turns out most of the people through the Bayes IV are satisfied with the changes it gives 'em. You need to play but can't be silly? It makes you look just silly enough to feel okay playing around. You need some help with your heart? It gives you extras, or fixes what you've got. Sick with something? Sometimes it cures it, sometimes it just helps you die with dignity. Even animals. That particular Gate cares actively about every damn living being that passes through it. So it's no wonder you believe God lives on the other side."
Simon looked at Herb, waiting.
"So that's my story. You know Joe invites a lot of people to hear it, mostly the ones who aren't happy being changed. We've been getting a few 'Seekers, too, who think God lives here. I usually tell 'em to look within, 'cause the exterior is not nearly so important on this side. I'm guessing you got an upgrade, because you've got this extra-healthy look to you. I'm just hoping this cancer doesn't kill me before we learn how to talk to the Gates directly, so I can say thanks. Even if I can't, I've got a recording of me telling my story. Joe promised to upload it to the Federation Stargate Communications Bank for when we can do more than ask for a vector."
"An upgrade. I think I got more than that." Simon stood up, and pushed the chair aside. Then she took a deep breath. "Herb, may I hug you?"
"Sure, honey. Everyone needs a hug now and then."
And as soon as she was held in his weak arms, she broke into tears. "I hate my God! He wants me perfect and I hate my face! It's not ME anymore!"
Herb patted her back gently. "Tell me about it. Someone wants you to change, and tells you it's your fault you're like that. We don't choose how we're born, that's what I believe. But we can choose how we change, or by what means we do it."
Simon continued sobbing for a bit, not noticing when Joe Elles opened the door and caught his husband's eye. She entirely missed the wink Herb gave, and the nod Joe gave back before quietly stepping outside.
After a few minutes, as the sobbing was winding down, Herb kissed Simon's cheek. "You know, Joe is a sweety. I mean, a really awesome guy. I'm the hospital's resident psychologist, and I haven't been able to see my regular clients because I'm a patient right now. But he knows just what I need, and that's to help people. Why don't you step outside, and see what he's up to?"
Simon stiffened. "You're a doctor?"
"Well, I'm a helper. And if I can help you, does it matter whether I'm doctoring or just being a friend? Long as I care about your well-being, and not whether I come off looking better for trying."
"All right. Well. I'll go see what he wants." Simon straightened up. "Thank you, Herb. I hope I don't have to pay a bill for this visit." She tried to smile.
He grinned. "Hey, thanks and a joke is payment enough right now. I've got enough credit here to last another few years."
She did smile this time. "Thanks." Then she stepped outside.
Joe was waiting with a form, and the nurses' station had only one person there. "The tests you approved weren't everything we were looking for. Simon, I'd like to ask if you've been tested for shapeshifting genes."
"No.. why?"
"Something about your hormones bothered me, but I couldn't quite place it, and they're within normal range -- exactly dead center of it. I didn't add the test to your profile since it's not standard. But shapeshifters sometimes have reactions to restrictive communities, fitting in by wearing a mask they later reject if they leave that environment. I was waiting with something for Herb when I overheard your response to his story. I'm sorry for eavesdropping, I try to avoid it when I can. Everyone deserves privacy and disclosure."
"Can I call you Joe?"
"Yes, you may."
"Doctor Joe Elles, you are a scumbag for listening to a private conversation. And yes, I want to be tested. The Gate did something else to me. I'm hearing voices now, and nobody else said that was normal. When I was with you coming here, they said, 'He did not ask.'"
"You should talk to Herb's replacement, Frances. She has a number of clients who hear voices."
"What didn't you want to ask me?" Simon's expression was hard, and it was clear she would press this just as firmly as her quest for God.
Joe looked strained, waiting a few moments and glancing to the sides before answering. "The hospital takes samples of each patient's genes, and stores them in the World Genotyping Bank for later testing and disease analysis. I wasn't going to ask, because we do it to everyone, it's part of the protocol."
"And..?"
"And I know you God-Seekers want to know who has your genes. So God can control your bodies, not anyone else. It's why you reject shapeshifters, who can usually change themselves given sufficient impetus."
"And now God made me hear voices that are saying you haven't finished talking."
"Herb drilled into me that hearing voices was common. That anyone could hear them. And that empaths are more likely to hear them. And your MRI revealed your temporal and parietal lobes are active in areas which indicate wide-open empathy, possibly with other abilities."
"Which you did not mention to me."
"It's part of a study we're doing on shapeshifters and psychic abilities."
"Joe, I hope you getting fired doesn't hurt Herb too much. And I hope that present you're giving him is worth what it'll cost for a malpractice lawsuit to the hospital. You already tested me, didn't you? And now you're just covering your ass!"
Joe hesitated. "... Okay. Yes, I am. What is it you want?"
"I want a lawyer. And I want the results of my test."
"Yes you are. Will you please sign the form?"
Herb spoke up from inside the room, since Simon hadn't shut the door. "Joe, bring her in here and give me my damn gift. You know you have to ask before you even submit that gene profile, much less test it!"
Joe gave Simon a worried look, and tried to push her into the room. She grabbed him and pushed him back, then walked in first.
"Herb! What kind of man did you marry?"
Herb looked aggrieved. "A man who's running out of money, I think. He keeps trying to buy my love, and he's paying half my hospital bills. I knew it when we married, which is why we kept our separate accounts."
Simon turned on Joe, who looked down at the small gift box.
"So you did this for money?"
"You get a small bounty from the Training Center for finding a new shapeshifter. So yes. I've been having every new patient tested, then asking the ones who turned out positive."
At which point Herb said, "Joe, come here." Joe did.
"Now tell the woman you're sorry, and give her the gift. I don't need more trinkets. And expect to resign soon, so I'll have to support you. I love you, Joe, but you're changing, and we need to talk. Privately, at home." He sighed. "Simon, I think you're a good person. Do what you need to."
She accepted the box, then gave it to Herb, unopened. "You need this more than I ever will, Herb. Thank you. I hope he's worth it." Then she left.
Herb looked at Joe, his voice kinder. "At least you're honest when people confront you. I'll see you after your shift, okay? We both have a lot of thinking to do."
"Could you open the box before I leave?"
"Sure." Herb did. Inside was a note, not a ring or a statuette like usual. It said, You're dying, and I can't save you. I'm sorry.
They looked at each other. Herb sighed. "How long?"
"Probably three weeks."
"Then let's get you set up to resign and retire before this blows up. Get you quiet so the Medical Ethics Board will go a little easy on you when they take your license, and not ban you from the planet entirely or something. But I'm reporting you myself, and I'll walk with you the whole way down, Joe, until I can't any more. I still love you, and I want you to stop paying my bills and focus on yours. I mean it, we both know I've got the cash."
Joe leaned down and kissed him. "All right, Weed. Brownies tonight?"
"Damn right. Let's get me set up for hospice at home before you go, too."
"I'll put it right after my last patient. See you tonight."
"Love you, Legs."
"I love you, too, Weed."
Joe walked out the door. Herb looked at the heart monitor, silently pulsing away. "Well, if I'm gonna die that soon, I guess I have to help one more person change their life before it's over. The way everything's going with these 'Seekers, maybe there is a god in that Gate after all."
He smiled, closing his eyes. Or maybe it's just an old, lonely shrink who loves to help people out, he thought before drifting into another nap.
This entry was originally posted at http://zeeth-kyrah.dreamwidth.org/12396.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
dialecticdreamer and
ysabetwordsmith on the ethics of consent and bodily autonomy in science-fiction, and is set in the Blueshift Troupers universe, a sci-fi project about galactic exploration, organic technology, and shapeshifting. In brief, the Gates are techno-organic stargates in space. They have a high chance of altering someone's DNA or bodily structure when entered, causing many worlds to have people adapted for them. Because of this, teams of natural shapeshifters are in high demand in order to explore space and troubleshoot problems across the galaxy.)
Simon refused to look in the mirror the nurse brought. "I am NOT beautiful," the woman said. "I am handsome!" The nurse looked steadily at his patient. Simon continued, saying, "Handsome was once used for any good-looking thing, you know, person or otherwise." Then she narrowed her eyes. "So where is he? I know I'm going to meet God now. Where does he live?"
The nurse shook his head, and set the hand-mirror nearby. "You know they have minds of their own. I really do not understand this religion of yours, but I suppose you know what you're doing." The facts had already been discussed several times as new God-Seekers came through the local Gate looking for their god, who was supposed to be the prime controller of the Gates. They believed that the most faithful would be changed to look perfect, and would speak with Him once on the other side.
Doctor Elles walked in. "Nurse, would you step outside? I need a few moments with my patient." Once the nurse had left, he looked at the person on the bed. "Simon, I'm going to release you shortly. You check out as fully functional, with some extra benefits to boot. The Gate must have felt you needed upgrading. The MRI showed several small pumping muscles on your major veins and arteries, and the arterial sclerosis your prior records indicate has been cleaned up. Your hormones indicate a lower cortisol level than usual, and aside from the gender change, your system should be overall much more resistant to physical stress. I want to note that these changes are not unusual for the Turis destination, with its heavy-world gravity, but most of us don't need those particular alterations."
Simon stared at him, an angry frown making her nose flare visibly. "I don't care what my body is, I want to speak to God!"
The doctor rubbed his nose. "While nurses sometimes joke about doctors playing god, that's not my job. I have to say, Simon, you have quite the insistence on correlating looks with holiness. The most blessed person I know is in this building, however, and I would like you to meet him. I can't tell you who it is or where he is until both of you give consent, however."
Simon nodded, then glanced at the mirror. "I suppose I'll have to put on makeup," she said.
"Only if you want to," said Elles. "I didn't bring any, but the nurses should have some. It comes in gift kits donated from a local charity, usually for cancer patients."
Simon considered. "You know, I haven't seen anyone here wearing lipstick, and whatever else goes into makeup. What are you hiding?"
"We aren't, Simon. Most of us simply don't wear it. A few minor blemishes are no big deal when anyone can leave a space ship looking like a toad, or an orca, or whatever other animals the Gate has noticed us carrying with us. Like earthworms, which use the same sort of heart pumps you now have."
Simon stared at him in horror. "You can't! I can't! I mean-" She was quickly interrupted.
"Would you like to meet the person I mentioned?"
She looked startled for a moment, then focused again on her goal. "Of course! He'll know how to contact God!"
Doctor Elles nodded. "You'll see, I hope. It may be an hour or two. In the meantime, I'm releasing you. You can sign the form when the nurse brings it in a few minutes. Feel free to hang around the visitors' areas after that if you're willing to wait."
***
Once Simon had been released from hospital care, she spent the next half-hour in the building's cafeteria and gift shop before heading straight to the chapel. It was a generic "all religions are okay" space, with an octagonal altar toward the back and three rows of short benches, the last with backs. There was a placard near the door which said, "We respect all beliefs, but we ask that you respect equally here. Please leave all conflicts with others outside this place."
Simon sighed, and looked at the literature on the back table. There were pamphlets for at least fifteen minor religions, as well as four major holy books (one in summary form, as allowed by its religion's Office of Publications). Someone had even left a jack-in-the-box that played a tinkly song and popped up a cloth star with a smiling face when the handle was turned. She spent the next hour or so browsing the various media, waiting for her audience.
Doctor Elles met her there. "Simon! Good. He'd like to meet you, and visiting hours are still open for almost another hour."
On the way up, Elles talked about the other person. "He was unchanged by the Gate when he came here, possibly one in fifteen million at this point. His name is Herb, short for Herbert. Don't be surprised if people call him Weed, though, as he's skinny but strong, and has lasted quite a long time in our care. And yes, he's in the cancer ward."
Simon sighed. "Why does giving you cancer make you special?"
"It doesn't," said Elles. "He was special to begin with. I hope you like him."
"Why would you say that?"
"We're here. Ask him yourself."
Simon was ushered into room 331, and Elles nodded to Herb. "I'll see you tonight, okay?" Herb nodded back, and Elles left the room.
"Joe's a great guy, but he's always busy. Can't keep a man from his calling, though. Just as well keep water from freezing in the cold, you have to adulterate it first. What's your name?"
"I'm Simon. I'm keeping the name."
Herb nodded. "You keeping the look, or going to visit the cocoonery?"
"Uh.. cocoonery?"
"They have a shapeshifter care facility here, and sometimes the doctors will send someone for special treatment there. It can change you some, more if you're a natural."
"God gave me this new body. I'm keeping it."
"I see. What do you believe your god wants from you?"
"Wants? He wants us to seek him, and trust that He'll show himself once we pass through a Gate. He wants us to examine ourselves and remove every blemish we see."
"You seem to look quite good for a human."
"You're ugly. You should be changed."
Herb gave a wry frown, one side of his mouth pulling down. "My nose is a bit flat, I haven't shaved today, and I'm still scarred from bad teen acne, but I'm hardly the ugliest soul around, Simon. I don't look quite as sick as I did this time last year, when half my body weight vanished to intestinal cancer, surgery, and chemo."
"The doctor said I should meet you, that you were the most blessed person he knows. So tell me about your god."
"Joe's being sweet, you know. I married him for that romantic streak. For all I know, I just got lucky. But about my god, I'm an atheist. We carry that personal choice thing pretty far on this world, and I came here a doubter to begin with."
"He said you weren't changed by the Gate. Tell me about that."
"Okay, I will, but you have to listen. You see, when I was growing up, I wanted to be different. Punky teenager, rebel without pants, that sort of thing. I had to flaunt my sexuality in everyone's face, and they were tired of telling me to just shack up with someone and get it over with, and I was tired of meeting all the wrong people."
"Forget your sexcapades, what about the Gate!"
"Touchy! Does your religion say you'll immediately meet your god?"
"No, but it says we will."
"If you have one, I'm sure you will. Strange how that works, me not believing that religion works, you believing that people you can't see control things we can." Herb grinned, but Simon narrowed her eyes.
"Are we going to get into a debate about atheism? I want to know what you know!"
"Okay! Just where I was going. Anyway, I figured I needed to get changed, so I went for shapeshifter testing, and they found out I probably have no ability for it at all. I did get some good training in team-building and ship-mind psychology, though. That helped calm me down a bit. Meditation was part of the testing and training, and I just kept up the practice, since after the first two sessions I started to feel like I didn't have to force a boner every time I felt small."
"So you calmed down and then went through the Gate anyway?" Simon had started pacing, but Herb smiled.
"No, I spent the next five and a half years learning psychology and chemical neurology. I figured if learning how a person's mind works would calm my dick rage, then maybe I could help other folks figure themselves out too. Turns out it was mostly the meditation. I was always getting mad about not being strong enough or man enough to get respect from people, so I was demanding attention focused on my manliness. By meditating and clearing out my mind, I was forced to shut up what some folks call 'bad tape' in my head, about what being a man was supposed to mean. It also helped me clean up some bad religious BS about how God wanted us to suffer for our sins. After all, I was suffering not because of my bad behavior, but because I couldn't stop believing my dad -- everyone else was accepting, and I was just screaming and fucking my damn head off over his insistence that I should have been a girl!"
Simon stopped pacing. "Wait. He said you should have been a girl?"
"Well, yeah. He wanted a girl, even promised Momma that he'd give her two girls. When he got one boy and nothing else for eight years, he about gave up on both of us. Drinking and work drove us apart so far, and I kept trying to come back and love on him, because I needed a man who cared about me. Instead, I replayed his selfishness in every boyfriend I ever had. Eventually I called 'em up, made it a conference call for the whole family, and said I had to get some distance and figure myself out better. That was after my time at the Meta-Delta Training Center, when I was thinking about whether I wanted to be a doctor. Within a month, I was on a civilian ship out to Random AnySector, Bayes IV Gate. Promised I'd send a vid-call now and then."
Simon was rubbing her face. "He wanted a girl. And you weren't."
"And being no shapeshifter, my only chance to change and please him was a Gate. The Bayes IV seemed perfect for that, since almost half the people through change genders. I'd still like men, and my dad would see the woman he wanted."
"But you didn't change."
"I didn't have to change my body. I came through, and instead of changing my body, the Gate smiled to me. It felt like this vast mind touched mine, and smiled with an incredible deep love in it, and whispered something into me. And then we were through. I was just stunned, looking around at everyone else, trying find a mirror and look at myself. Most of us were there to get changed, it's a fairly random Gate after all. But... well."
Simon was standing right next to Herb. "So what was it? What did it say?"
Herb was about to answer, when a nurse popped her head in the door. "Hey Weed, Doc Elles said he's got a surprise for you tonight! I hope it's a good one!"
"Glad to hear it! Hey, can you pull the chair over for my guest? She's hearing my Gate story."
"Moxatious! Here you go." She grabbed the visitor's chair from its corner and wheeled it over to Simon. "Have fun! Visiting hours are over in twenty minutes." Then she popped back out, closing the door softly behind her.
"Good girl. Works the volunteer circuit here. I hope she makes Doctor once she gets back to the university. Have a seat." Simon sat, watching Herb like a cat watches a stick of butter on the table. She was even licking her lips.
"So let's see. You were asking what the Gate told me. Well, I'd make you guess, but it's not much fun. Nobody gets it the first three times, and after that it's just annoying. The Gate whispered, It was never your problem. I think it saw where I was stressed and where I wasn't, and knew just how to help me, where with most of the rest it was just playing with 'em."
"So were you disappointed?"
"Not really. I was stunned, sure. Everyone else was different. Exactly half of them had switched genders, including one guy turning intersex. There were animal themes in all but a couple of us. And you know what? Being a psychologist almost ready for internship, I pulled up the files as soon as I could. Turns out most of the people through the Bayes IV are satisfied with the changes it gives 'em. You need to play but can't be silly? It makes you look just silly enough to feel okay playing around. You need some help with your heart? It gives you extras, or fixes what you've got. Sick with something? Sometimes it cures it, sometimes it just helps you die with dignity. Even animals. That particular Gate cares actively about every damn living being that passes through it. So it's no wonder you believe God lives on the other side."
Simon looked at Herb, waiting.
"So that's my story. You know Joe invites a lot of people to hear it, mostly the ones who aren't happy being changed. We've been getting a few 'Seekers, too, who think God lives here. I usually tell 'em to look within, 'cause the exterior is not nearly so important on this side. I'm guessing you got an upgrade, because you've got this extra-healthy look to you. I'm just hoping this cancer doesn't kill me before we learn how to talk to the Gates directly, so I can say thanks. Even if I can't, I've got a recording of me telling my story. Joe promised to upload it to the Federation Stargate Communications Bank for when we can do more than ask for a vector."
"An upgrade. I think I got more than that." Simon stood up, and pushed the chair aside. Then she took a deep breath. "Herb, may I hug you?"
"Sure, honey. Everyone needs a hug now and then."
And as soon as she was held in his weak arms, she broke into tears. "I hate my God! He wants me perfect and I hate my face! It's not ME anymore!"
Herb patted her back gently. "Tell me about it. Someone wants you to change, and tells you it's your fault you're like that. We don't choose how we're born, that's what I believe. But we can choose how we change, or by what means we do it."
Simon continued sobbing for a bit, not noticing when Joe Elles opened the door and caught his husband's eye. She entirely missed the wink Herb gave, and the nod Joe gave back before quietly stepping outside.
After a few minutes, as the sobbing was winding down, Herb kissed Simon's cheek. "You know, Joe is a sweety. I mean, a really awesome guy. I'm the hospital's resident psychologist, and I haven't been able to see my regular clients because I'm a patient right now. But he knows just what I need, and that's to help people. Why don't you step outside, and see what he's up to?"
Simon stiffened. "You're a doctor?"
"Well, I'm a helper. And if I can help you, does it matter whether I'm doctoring or just being a friend? Long as I care about your well-being, and not whether I come off looking better for trying."
"All right. Well. I'll go see what he wants." Simon straightened up. "Thank you, Herb. I hope I don't have to pay a bill for this visit." She tried to smile.
He grinned. "Hey, thanks and a joke is payment enough right now. I've got enough credit here to last another few years."
She did smile this time. "Thanks." Then she stepped outside.
Joe was waiting with a form, and the nurses' station had only one person there. "The tests you approved weren't everything we were looking for. Simon, I'd like to ask if you've been tested for shapeshifting genes."
"No.. why?"
"Something about your hormones bothered me, but I couldn't quite place it, and they're within normal range -- exactly dead center of it. I didn't add the test to your profile since it's not standard. But shapeshifters sometimes have reactions to restrictive communities, fitting in by wearing a mask they later reject if they leave that environment. I was waiting with something for Herb when I overheard your response to his story. I'm sorry for eavesdropping, I try to avoid it when I can. Everyone deserves privacy and disclosure."
"Can I call you Joe?"
"Yes, you may."
"Doctor Joe Elles, you are a scumbag for listening to a private conversation. And yes, I want to be tested. The Gate did something else to me. I'm hearing voices now, and nobody else said that was normal. When I was with you coming here, they said, 'He did not ask.'"
"You should talk to Herb's replacement, Frances. She has a number of clients who hear voices."
"What didn't you want to ask me?" Simon's expression was hard, and it was clear she would press this just as firmly as her quest for God.
Joe looked strained, waiting a few moments and glancing to the sides before answering. "The hospital takes samples of each patient's genes, and stores them in the World Genotyping Bank for later testing and disease analysis. I wasn't going to ask, because we do it to everyone, it's part of the protocol."
"And..?"
"And I know you God-Seekers want to know who has your genes. So God can control your bodies, not anyone else. It's why you reject shapeshifters, who can usually change themselves given sufficient impetus."
"And now God made me hear voices that are saying you haven't finished talking."
"Herb drilled into me that hearing voices was common. That anyone could hear them. And that empaths are more likely to hear them. And your MRI revealed your temporal and parietal lobes are active in areas which indicate wide-open empathy, possibly with other abilities."
"Which you did not mention to me."
"It's part of a study we're doing on shapeshifters and psychic abilities."
"Joe, I hope you getting fired doesn't hurt Herb too much. And I hope that present you're giving him is worth what it'll cost for a malpractice lawsuit to the hospital. You already tested me, didn't you? And now you're just covering your ass!"
Joe hesitated. "... Okay. Yes, I am. What is it you want?"
"I want a lawyer. And I want the results of my test."
"Yes you are. Will you please sign the form?"
Herb spoke up from inside the room, since Simon hadn't shut the door. "Joe, bring her in here and give me my damn gift. You know you have to ask before you even submit that gene profile, much less test it!"
Joe gave Simon a worried look, and tried to push her into the room. She grabbed him and pushed him back, then walked in first.
"Herb! What kind of man did you marry?"
Herb looked aggrieved. "A man who's running out of money, I think. He keeps trying to buy my love, and he's paying half my hospital bills. I knew it when we married, which is why we kept our separate accounts."
Simon turned on Joe, who looked down at the small gift box.
"So you did this for money?"
"You get a small bounty from the Training Center for finding a new shapeshifter. So yes. I've been having every new patient tested, then asking the ones who turned out positive."
At which point Herb said, "Joe, come here." Joe did.
"Now tell the woman you're sorry, and give her the gift. I don't need more trinkets. And expect to resign soon, so I'll have to support you. I love you, Joe, but you're changing, and we need to talk. Privately, at home." He sighed. "Simon, I think you're a good person. Do what you need to."
She accepted the box, then gave it to Herb, unopened. "You need this more than I ever will, Herb. Thank you. I hope he's worth it." Then she left.
Herb looked at Joe, his voice kinder. "At least you're honest when people confront you. I'll see you after your shift, okay? We both have a lot of thinking to do."
"Could you open the box before I leave?"
"Sure." Herb did. Inside was a note, not a ring or a statuette like usual. It said, You're dying, and I can't save you. I'm sorry.
They looked at each other. Herb sighed. "How long?"
"Probably three weeks."
"Then let's get you set up to resign and retire before this blows up. Get you quiet so the Medical Ethics Board will go a little easy on you when they take your license, and not ban you from the planet entirely or something. But I'm reporting you myself, and I'll walk with you the whole way down, Joe, until I can't any more. I still love you, and I want you to stop paying my bills and focus on yours. I mean it, we both know I've got the cash."
Joe leaned down and kissed him. "All right, Weed. Brownies tonight?"
"Damn right. Let's get me set up for hospice at home before you go, too."
"I'll put it right after my last patient. See you tonight."
"Love you, Legs."
"I love you, too, Weed."
Joe walked out the door. Herb looked at the heart monitor, silently pulsing away. "Well, if I'm gonna die that soon, I guess I have to help one more person change their life before it's over. The way everything's going with these 'Seekers, maybe there is a god in that Gate after all."
He smiled, closing his eyes. Or maybe it's just an old, lonely shrink who loves to help people out, he thought before drifting into another nap.
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