Life so far?? 21 years...
Its been a LONG LONG time since I ever blogged. Been pretty much occupied with work, life, and such. The only time I blogged was to rant about queen control lab mate and my imbecile FYP lab mate (this was on an LJ community).
Its so fast, I am turning 21 this year. Not too proud of that big number yet still kinda excited. Then again, what is there to be excited. I still have curfues and rules to adhere to. I still have no really mad nights out where I really feel free, nor anything that makes me feel as if I was above 12.
Let's see, I have yet to write a book, yet to record an album, yet to make a name for myself in anything, yet to fit in any particular "crowd", yet to have my own car, yet to have my own "place", yet to have a group of people whom I can sincerely, honestly and confidently call friends, yet to have reached the 3.50 GPA, yet to succeed in anything, yet to get wasted, yet to get laid, yet to have an overnight with friends doing crazy things, yet to have been, yet to truly taste KL night life, yet to be part of society, yet to win something so big that I can't sleep for two days, yet to achieve something I am so proud I can tell myself I did something great. In short, in this brief 21 years, I did almost nothing satisfying or self gratifying. In other words, I think I am a loser.
I think the only few things I am proud about is that I can play the guitar, I can cook simple meals, and I am believing what I believe in and holding on to these bare essentials to go along.
I try my best to enrich as much lives as I can touch and as much people as I have the capacity to. I try and refrain from lying and getting into trouble. I think I have been a good kid for far too long. Part of me wants to rebel. Part of me wants a change. Another wants things to just go as how it has always have.
I have "missed" or rather have not been invited to two birthday parties.
My bigger ego says that its no biggie as I have neither the money to get anyone gifts nor the time to go but my smaller ego says that not getting invited is returning to my previous loner self.
I guess I am beginning to accept the position given to me in society. Maybe its the face of the madman that I have. The craving lunatic that is just *DYING* to do everything and please almost everyone.
Then again, maybe people look down on me based on who I am.
Ah, then my big ego says "who needs these people"
My 21st birthday would be coming soon. I still have much to do which I am not sure I would even achieve in this year. My big ego tells me to go full scale and celebrate it and make those who never invite me regret not ever knowing me as well as they should have. My small ego tells me to spend the time with kids in the orphandage. Still, I never ever had any grand scale birthdays ever. Even my dad didn't see me when I was born. Some warm reception.
I think I would end up alone this 18th of October.
Loneliness that I grew up with.
And to think things would change when one ages.
Ah, such are stories one tells their kids to give them hope. I am living proof that such fantasies don't come true. I faced grim situations before to know how real life can get, yet knowing it is just a temporary terminal releases me from much sadness and despair.
I don't feel I belong here. As if something is missing. This isn't my home. This place isn't pure and sacred as it is meant to be. I really want to go home. Each time I pray, I feel as if I am on my way back. I feel safe, secure, wanted, accepted, loved, treasured, special. People and things are temporal. Situations and people fade away just like a fad. Thus the incompleteness. Thus, when I say God completes me, I mean it in many more ways than one.
I wonder if Jesus and all the prophets of old ever felt this way before.
On my 3 day fruit fast I felt all the pain and the loneliness and I saw the beacon of hope. When all else is forgotten, when all else is lost, there is always a constant...a constant that makes sure you keep on going.
Anyway, for those who are reading, you all are invited for my 21st party and please please please DO NOT buy me a golden key pendant. Its expansive and I don't have any use for it (except probably trading it for cash which I won't do because you given it to me but which I would be annoyed for not finding any use for it). I really don't know how to celebrate it. My mind has been playing crazy birthday games on my head. A few examples of crazy scenarios that happened to do their rounds in my head include: If I had crazy friends, they would call a stripper over, if I had bookworm friends, I would get a book voucher worth RM500, if the dean was my friend, I would get a First Class Honours Degree almost instantly, if I had adventurous friends, we would be on a trip somewhere far away, if I had food loving friends, we would go on a food fest, if I had normal friends....well life would go on as usual.
Realistically, I would end up eating durian ice cream, looking for a job, walking the streets of KL alone to soak up the ambience, visit places I never could (hmmm...sounds like an idea), buy myself something to read, sleeping over at KL Central or in the lobby of some huge hotel and maybe meet a friend or two on the way back and backpack around Malaysia for as long as the petrol price doesn't rise up again.
Then again, being 21 doesn't mean my dad won't harass me on the phone and make me feel 12 again.
I REALLY REALLY need to move out.
Oh boy, if I really had a choice, I don't think so I really want to be here in this mortal realm.
Still, I like my own company. I can crack jokes to make myself smile and even laugh occasionally. I really think I am an interesting person whom I would so like to meet. Wait, did that make sense? Only in my mind, the if's, maybe's and perhaps can play so well and so beautifully. Its only in my life that the ironies all seem so outright, its only in my life all my companions have interesting stories to tell, its only in my life that I am a paradox to myself.
Then again, God loves me so much, He gave me good company.
Yet another self gratifying moment.
Will I ever grow out of this.
I wonder what really did 21 years do to me? Or am I just here to occupy space and take up oxygen and food? Did I really make a difference?
Its so fast, I am turning 21 this year. Not too proud of that big number yet still kinda excited. Then again, what is there to be excited. I still have curfues and rules to adhere to. I still have no really mad nights out where I really feel free, nor anything that makes me feel as if I was above 12.
Let's see, I have yet to write a book, yet to record an album, yet to make a name for myself in anything, yet to fit in any particular "crowd", yet to have my own car, yet to have my own "place", yet to have a group of people whom I can sincerely, honestly and confidently call friends, yet to have reached the 3.50 GPA, yet to succeed in anything, yet to get wasted, yet to get laid, yet to have an overnight with friends doing crazy things, yet to have been, yet to truly taste KL night life, yet to be part of society, yet to win something so big that I can't sleep for two days, yet to achieve something I am so proud I can tell myself I did something great. In short, in this brief 21 years, I did almost nothing satisfying or self gratifying. In other words, I think I am a loser.
I think the only few things I am proud about is that I can play the guitar, I can cook simple meals, and I am believing what I believe in and holding on to these bare essentials to go along.
I try my best to enrich as much lives as I can touch and as much people as I have the capacity to. I try and refrain from lying and getting into trouble. I think I have been a good kid for far too long. Part of me wants to rebel. Part of me wants a change. Another wants things to just go as how it has always have.
I have "missed" or rather have not been invited to two birthday parties.
My bigger ego says that its no biggie as I have neither the money to get anyone gifts nor the time to go but my smaller ego says that not getting invited is returning to my previous loner self.
I guess I am beginning to accept the position given to me in society. Maybe its the face of the madman that I have. The craving lunatic that is just *DYING* to do everything and please almost everyone.
Then again, maybe people look down on me based on who I am.
Ah, then my big ego says "who needs these people"
My 21st birthday would be coming soon. I still have much to do which I am not sure I would even achieve in this year. My big ego tells me to go full scale and celebrate it and make those who never invite me regret not ever knowing me as well as they should have. My small ego tells me to spend the time with kids in the orphandage. Still, I never ever had any grand scale birthdays ever. Even my dad didn't see me when I was born. Some warm reception.
I think I would end up alone this 18th of October.
Loneliness that I grew up with.
And to think things would change when one ages.
Ah, such are stories one tells their kids to give them hope. I am living proof that such fantasies don't come true. I faced grim situations before to know how real life can get, yet knowing it is just a temporary terminal releases me from much sadness and despair.
I don't feel I belong here. As if something is missing. This isn't my home. This place isn't pure and sacred as it is meant to be. I really want to go home. Each time I pray, I feel as if I am on my way back. I feel safe, secure, wanted, accepted, loved, treasured, special. People and things are temporal. Situations and people fade away just like a fad. Thus the incompleteness. Thus, when I say God completes me, I mean it in many more ways than one.
I wonder if Jesus and all the prophets of old ever felt this way before.
On my 3 day fruit fast I felt all the pain and the loneliness and I saw the beacon of hope. When all else is forgotten, when all else is lost, there is always a constant...a constant that makes sure you keep on going.
Anyway, for those who are reading, you all are invited for my 21st party and please please please DO NOT buy me a golden key pendant. Its expansive and I don't have any use for it (except probably trading it for cash which I won't do because you given it to me but which I would be annoyed for not finding any use for it). I really don't know how to celebrate it. My mind has been playing crazy birthday games on my head. A few examples of crazy scenarios that happened to do their rounds in my head include: If I had crazy friends, they would call a stripper over, if I had bookworm friends, I would get a book voucher worth RM500, if the dean was my friend, I would get a First Class Honours Degree almost instantly, if I had adventurous friends, we would be on a trip somewhere far away, if I had food loving friends, we would go on a food fest, if I had normal friends....well life would go on as usual.
Realistically, I would end up eating durian ice cream, looking for a job, walking the streets of KL alone to soak up the ambience, visit places I never could (hmmm...sounds like an idea), buy myself something to read, sleeping over at KL Central or in the lobby of some huge hotel and maybe meet a friend or two on the way back and backpack around Malaysia for as long as the petrol price doesn't rise up again.
Then again, being 21 doesn't mean my dad won't harass me on the phone and make me feel 12 again.
I REALLY REALLY need to move out.
Oh boy, if I really had a choice, I don't think so I really want to be here in this mortal realm.
Still, I like my own company. I can crack jokes to make myself smile and even laugh occasionally. I really think I am an interesting person whom I would so like to meet. Wait, did that make sense? Only in my mind, the if's, maybe's and perhaps can play so well and so beautifully. Its only in my life that the ironies all seem so outright, its only in my life all my companions have interesting stories to tell, its only in my life that I am a paradox to myself.
Then again, God loves me so much, He gave me good company.
Yet another self gratifying moment.
Will I ever grow out of this.
I wonder what really did 21 years do to me? Or am I just here to occupy space and take up oxygen and food? Did I really make a difference?