Hogwarts Hocus application
A man in late middle age appears in the Sorting Room. He is gaunt; his hair is graying and in need of a cut, and he needs a shave. A patch of skin is missing from his cheek, and there are faint signs of fading bruises on his forehead and cheekbones, but his jaw is set and his blue eyes are determined. He is dressed in ill-fitting navy blue cotton pajamas made for a much taller man, topped with a rough tweed overcoat. The front of his clothing is soaked through, as are the forelocks of his hair; the back of his clothing is wet in spots. He is carrying a small leather satchel, which slips from his hand to the floor as he looks around dazedly.
Was it all a dream? More of Dzerzhinski's mind games? He looked down at himself, felt his wet clothing. No, it would appear Artuzov did shoot me and leave me to die in the snow. Then what is -
His eye falls upon the table with the application. A statement? Another death warrant? He limps painfully over to the table and looks it over. He pushes his wet hair out of his eyes and smirks.
Hell's anteroom comes with an entrance interview, it seems...
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Of all time? Sakura cheese. I developed a taste for it in 1904 while I was living in Port Arthur. But I haven't had any since the night of the attack. Of what's commonly available? Brie. Trite, I know, but it's a pleasant taste."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I don't know. It would depend on who these men are, who they work for and what usefulness they might be able to provide if left alive."
3. What time is it where you are?
He'd been arrested in September. That would make this at least - November? The last newspaper he'd been shown in interrogations had a mid-October date, but that was weeks ago.
"I haven't been able to tell the correct time for some months now. Last I remember, it was morning. Dzerzhinski took me for a walk in the Sparrow Hills."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
His eyes narrow and his lips quirk up in a grin.
"Harass? Now, whyever would I want to do that? Really, I've far more often been the pursued than the pursuer."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"The Loubianka." The grin fades out.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Ah, a word problem. I can't see that this is an either/or choice, however. I would suggest marrying them serially - first, wed whichever is more expedient, and if that doesn't cure him of his passion for one or the other, divorce that one and marry the other. The myth that would apply here is the fable of the Dog in the Manger, I do believe."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"You work for the government - most likely, the Foreign Office - and are required to fill everything out in triplicate." He snorts. "At least over in MI-5 we got to burn everything every now and then. Tremendously liberating, let me tell you."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Well. That remains for history to judge, does it not? I secured oil rights for the British which saw them through the Great War. I got them the plans for German naval guns when they said it couldn't be done. I came within inches of bringing down the entire Bolshevik government, for pity's sake!"
He sighs and lowers his voice. "I do of course realize that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Not coups d'etat."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The hat? Squib? He shrugsand pats his nonexistent pocket. After months in the Loubianka, what was he supposed to -
He looks down and picksup the satchel. Not a dream, then. I really did go home. Pepita was sleeping; I hope she heard me say goodbye. He opens the bag and rifles its contents.
"I offer a few copies of a Russian-language wanted poster with my face on it; several silver photograph frames - I'd like to keep the photos in them, if it's all the same to you; a small leather-bound Bible; the Military Cross; and a pair of earrings that -" he thought of Marie Friede, keeping silent through endless weeks in the Loubianka, protecting the secrets of their doomed coup to her death, "- that once belonged to a great lady."
He'll offer up the Derringer and the cache of loose jewels sewn into the satchel's lining only in an emergency.
"I have read the
hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. - REILLY
I have read the
hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. - REILLY
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. - REILLY
One day, I marmalade will rule the world. - REILLY"