just breathe
ran into my ex's best friend tonight. she saw me...i saw her...although we never made eye contact. i'd like share that my heart is still in my throat and it's been ten minutes. maybe ten minutes isn't that long. thank god my phone rang, literally just in the knick of time. it distracted me from her and gave her a reason not to say hello to me. we were able to escape the extreme weirdness, awkwardness, eeeewwwwwyness of each other's presence.
i'm fucking pissed off that it has to be this way. can't we all just be adults? why does it have to be this way. i've never been one to have enemies and it feels fucking awful. i love people, and i'm uncomfortable to the nth degree with the extreme caution that fills the air when we're around each other. to top it off, i adore _______. i mean, completely adore her. i was thinking about her tonight, she and my ex both. had a dream about my ex last night. we were living in the same building. i tried to reach her though, and when i did it was completely unwelcomed. i felt ashamed that i'd even tried. when i saw________ tonight i felt the same way, ashamed. it was a terrible feeling. every time i see her that feeling is particularly potent for me, not surprisingly.
all i can say is eeeeewww.
but there's more. i miss samantha. 8 days until guatemala.
there's more...i met a girl the other day in montana...randomly we met in a grocery store. we walked around for an hour and then took a swim...with our clothes on (unfortunately). the sexual tension in the air was thick. i haven't experienced that in so long...well over a year. it was great and different and oh-my-god i wanted to taste her mouth, stare into her eyes, hold her. she was tiny. easily 40 lbs less than me. she would have fit so well with my body wrapped around her. maybe someday. i took her number and gave her a call tonight. she lives in montana, so a good excuse to get out there and see the country. god i love that country. only an 8 1/2 hour drive.
i'm going to go camping at bainbridge by myself, soon. it has to be soon. i need some time alone in the country.
i'm exhausted. i can tell the difference in my writing when i write when i'm tired. i wish this could be more articulte. oh well.
i love you.
i'm fucking pissed off that it has to be this way. can't we all just be adults? why does it have to be this way. i've never been one to have enemies and it feels fucking awful. i love people, and i'm uncomfortable to the nth degree with the extreme caution that fills the air when we're around each other. to top it off, i adore _______. i mean, completely adore her. i was thinking about her tonight, she and my ex both. had a dream about my ex last night. we were living in the same building. i tried to reach her though, and when i did it was completely unwelcomed. i felt ashamed that i'd even tried. when i saw________ tonight i felt the same way, ashamed. it was a terrible feeling. every time i see her that feeling is particularly potent for me, not surprisingly.
all i can say is eeeeewww.
but there's more. i miss samantha. 8 days until guatemala.
there's more...i met a girl the other day in montana...randomly we met in a grocery store. we walked around for an hour and then took a swim...with our clothes on (unfortunately). the sexual tension in the air was thick. i haven't experienced that in so long...well over a year. it was great and different and oh-my-god i wanted to taste her mouth, stare into her eyes, hold her. she was tiny. easily 40 lbs less than me. she would have fit so well with my body wrapped around her. maybe someday. i took her number and gave her a call tonight. she lives in montana, so a good excuse to get out there and see the country. god i love that country. only an 8 1/2 hour drive.
i'm going to go camping at bainbridge by myself, soon. it has to be soon. i need some time alone in the country.
i'm exhausted. i can tell the difference in my writing when i write when i'm tired. i wish this could be more articulte. oh well.
i love you.