It's a Big Girl World Now
Full of Big Girl Things
Money: 3
Rachel: 0
I'm losing.
I literally think death by bomb would be easier to deal with than this.
Seriously.
I'm not going to blow myself up, but, if it happened that someone thought strapping a homemade to me and setting me off somewhere in Baghdad was the right thing to do, well, I can't say I'd stop them.
I didn't know what else to do, so I took it into my own hands. And now my mom is angry, but I don't think it's at me. I'm sure it's at my father, but what the hell good is that going to do? At least if she were mad at me she would at least receive a reaction. I can't even believe my father called ME back.
I'll catch you up: I called him around nine this morning, the Texas number. Just called him, unsure if it was even the right number, or if he still lived there; all and all, pretty positive I wouldn't get a response. I just called, left a message that I needed to speak with Troy. I left out what about, didn't even leave my number, just said it was his daughter and I needed to speak with him. Around twelve, while I'm out with Shaun trying to work on Russian, my phone rings. I'm sure it's Jared, because I called him earlier that day, but it wasn't, it was Texas. Immediately, just looking at the name Texas on the screen of my phone, I began to shake. I almost asked Shaun to hold my hand, but I didn't. I answered. He sounded...I don't know what he sounded like. He sounded almost sick, quiet, his voice a little rough, and absolutely no emotion behind it. Completely blank. He told me he didn't know where the title to my car was, but, he would look for it, and sign it, and send it to me. I don't know if I trust him, I don't know if I can, but I don't know what else to do. He gave me the account number, and the number to Ford, and told me he "couldn't" pay off the car. Couldn't, in this case, means wouldn't. I know he won't, and I need my car, and I know my mom can't...so, I guess it's up to me. Is it weird that I'm okay with that? Is it weird that the idea of me being in control of it kind of settles me? Is it weird that I'm comfortable accepting that I'll be paying bills at eighteen? Because, somehow, I don't think that's weird. So, I guess, this is all falling into my hands, and I'm taking hold. I don't know what else to do...and if you do, I would like you to tell me, because I honestly can't see another way.
But, this leaves me owing UIC $4000, and I don't have a job yet--though, I think I have a good chance of getting one when I move back. All I can do, really, is try my damned hardest, and I actually don't know how hard that is. I guess I get to learn. That'll be interesting.
So, I was thinking about the loans and the grants I received for the whole school year. I don't know how it works, but if they belong, in a sense, to me, than shouldn't I get them despite my enrollment with UIC? I mean, if they are mine, can't I still have them even if I'm enrolled somewhere else? Because, if they still come to me, or if they still go to UIC, than that will easily pay off that money. But...if I don't...well, I can't say I know what I'm going to do...exactly. I'm going to try my damnedest to speak with someone tomorrow in financial aid, or, at least, make an appointment to. But, I need it ASAP, because this stress, this pressure, all these thoughts that are popping into my head about how I'm going to pay for this, or how I'm going to manage that, and the simple fact that I have no other way...it's all coming down very hard on me, and I don't know how much longer I can stand. I know I'm stronger than I think, I know there is so much I can handle that I haven't had to yet, I know that I'm amazingly capable, and I just haven't seen it yet...I know that, but, I can't seem to make that cool down my stomach, or stop the tears. And, I really don't know what I'm going to do next...which is the worst thing that could happen. I need a plan, and I don't have one.
Nicolette told me she was proud, today. Proud that I have handled so much, made so many decisions, taken so many things into my own hands. She said she was proud, and I guess I'm thankful...but, I just can't see anything incredible in any of this. I'm collapsing completely, and all I'm trying to do is what is necessary. This is necessary. This is the only way I know how to survive. God, I hope I survive.
And Everyday I Wish I Was Small