Things Fall Apart
This is ridiculous. I don't even know where to begin. I really fucked myself this semester. Yes, what happened was out of my control, but I let it bother me, I let it get to me and bring me down, I let it effect me and I didn't have to. But, I did, and now I'm screwed up and down, completely lost in how to fix it, and about to give up. I can't bring myself to do anything, I have no motivation. I don't think I ever have, but I want some...I know, if I want it I can make it and do it and succeed, right? Except that's not working out so well. I don't want to be here anymore. The living situation depresses me, the campus depresses me, I'm tired and bored, and I want to be through this and on to the next stage in my life. But, I can't just jump over it, I have to push through, and I have absolutely no motivation to continue onward. I just want to stop, I just want to stop and go back to Oklahoma, and start over. I think it would just be better to start over. Except, I don't know if I'll let this happen again, and I can't bear for it to...but if I don't learn, it will.
I think I have a plan, but you know me, my plans are always changing. But, I think I have a pinpoint on what I need to do. I don't want to have to start over completely, but after this semester I am probably going to have to, and a clean slate would be nice. Except that there is no such thing as a truly clean slate--that's a myth. There is no way to completely clear the past, or to forget what was done or said in the past, there is no avoiding it, because eventually it will find a way back to you. But, that's not the worst thing in the world. How else are you supposed to learn from your mistakes? And I need to, most of all. But, right now, I can't seem to stop making them.
I've pretty much resolved to failing Russian. I don't think there is a way around it. Nothing is working out, and I can't bring myself to catch up on what I am so far behind on. I know I can't fail, I can't; but, there is a good chance that I will. Do you remember me saying I didn't want to feel like a failure going back to Oklahoma, because failure wasn't my reason for leaving? Well, I think I've sort of made it inevitable...I am going to feel like a failure, because I let myself fail, all the while promising myself I would never.
Yeah, I let myself down. I'm the only one. I know this; I know what I've done. I would appreciate if you wouldn't tell me that I fucked myself over, because I'm perfectly aware of that, and I don't need your criticism. What I need is your support, and your love, and your hand to help me through, because I can't seem to make it on my own right now. I know I will, I know I can, but doing it and knowing it seem to be two very different things. I don't think you can truly understand until you've lived it, and then you'll know why I'm so sure and yet so lost.
It's going to be hard convincing everyone I can do this on my own, after how horribly I fucked this semester over. I can do it, I am capable, and I want to. I do, I want to succeed and become independent and stop relying on anyone. I want to be in control of everything I can be in control of, and I want to take charge. But, I can't do that here. It's becoming more and more clear that I have absolutely no control here. I can't dictate my life in Oklahoma from Chicago, I can't put in my two cents when it comes to family meetings, I can't do anything, because of the distance. And, I'm not saying the distance is a bad thing, if I were trying to run away. But, I'm not...I'm running toward the problem, ready to pick up the pieces that belong to me and put them right. But, I can't do that from Chicago, it's too far away. And, I'll want the distance again, when my life is put back together. I'll want the space, maybe not to run away from the past, but to distance myself for a better future. But, right now, I can't distance myself. Right now I can't look toward the future. Right now I have to live in today, and only today, or I am going to fall apart. It's hard, though, to stand in the worst time of your life, looking at the present and seeing nothing but depressed filled days and stress filled dreams. And, then to be forced to only see that, to never look beyond that precipice...it's not easy, especially when you know that your future could be so much better than this, when you know what you're capable of, and when all you want is through.
Maybe the grass is greener on the other side, or, maybe, everything will change.
"Keep Moving, and Keep Moving Forward, and Things Won't Fall Apart." -- Anderson Cooper