Breathe, Don't You Want to Breathe?
I don't exactly know what's going on in my life...exactly.
I haven't seen anyone in nearly weeks. Today I've spent the whole day with Nicolette. It feels super good. I kind of feel like I've pulled out of a funk, or something, or anything...but, it's like I'm in the clear again. I feel like I want to do everything, get everything done, and spend time with everyone, but I can't make myself do it. I'm a little stalemate....
I have a few weeks, that's it. A few weeks. I have that long to spend with Nicolette, Ashley, Kaitlin, Jill, Erin, and Michelle...those friendships I've built that are unlike any other, and the people that are unlike anyone. There is no Nicolette, there is no Jill, there is no Erin in Oklahoma. There is only the past I ran away from, and the people who haven't seen the way I've changed. I don't want to go back to the life I had before all of this, or the ideas that I am still the person I was. I'm not, I'm not, but no one there has seen me grow...no body there knows me anymore. I really don't believe anyone truly knows me anymore. Except for these people--these people I am going to leave.
I want to hold on, I don't leave people. The one person I stopped talking to I feel like I abandoned. I don't know what to do about her, I don't know how to fix it, and, frankly, I don't think I can. I wasn't the one who did this, I wasn't the one who stopped talking, I wasn't the one who wanted to end it...and I've held on and she hasn't, and I feel like I've abandoned her.
She abandoned me.
Is that right? Or is my perception skewed?
Or maybe everything is just fucked up beyond repair. And maybe I shouldn't try to repair it.
Maybe I should just start over.
The people I've met are unlike any other, and I want to hold on. But, in order to do that, I need to know they want to hold on too.
My Heart is Sturdy, But It Needs You to Survive