i talked to jesus
stands for me
J stands for Jesus Duh
I: how are you jesus?
J:Fine thanks and lret me say its great to be back
I:why after all this time have you come back?
J: mostly nostalgia.
I:Can you tell us a little bit about the 1st time you were here?
J: Well theres not much to tell i think everybody knows the story by know. I was born on christmas and acctually, that always bothered me because i only got one present, You know, if I was born a couple months earlier I would've got two presents. but look, im not complaining after all its only good material
I:there a story there were thre wise men
J:Well, there were three kings who showed up. I dont know how wise they were. they didng look very wise. They said they followed a star. That didnt soung so wise to me.
I:Didn''t they bring gifts?
J: yes, gold, frankincense, and i blieve, myrrh, which i never did find out what that was. You don;t happen to know what myrrh is, do you?
I: Well, i believe its a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
J:Oh, great just what i need. What am i gonna do with gum resin? I'd rather have the money, that way i could buy something i need. you know something i wouldn't normally buy for myself
I: what would that be?
J:OH, I dont know. A bathing suit. Inever had a bathing suit mabye a devo hate. posibly a bicycle.I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you relize all the walking i did? I must've crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up ad down, north and south, walking and talking going miracles, telling stories
I:tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
J: Well ,leaving out the loaves and the fished, a total of 107 miracles.
I: Why not the loaves and fishes?
J: well technically that one wasnt a miracle.
I: it wasn't?
J:No,turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old and besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyways.
I:What do you mean? if they werent miracles what were they?
J:Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinating. I even used accupressure. Thats how I cured most of the blind people
I:SO not all of the new testement is true?
J:NAHH, some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. IT was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physican, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything
I:What about raising lazarus from the dead?
J:First of all, he wasnt dead, he was hungover. I've told people that
I:but in the bible it said he was dead
J:N! I said he looked deadd. I said ,"jeez, peter, this guy looks dead!" you see,Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had beed to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine
I:Ah, was that the wedding feast at Cana, where yyou changed water into wine?
J:I dont know we went to an awful lot of wedding feast in those days.
I: But did you ever really turn water into into wine
J: Not that i know of. One time i turned apple juice into milk, but I dont recall water and wine
I: all right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle.What about walking on water? Did that really happen?
J:Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was i could do it andthe other guys couldn't. They were Jealous.Peter got so mad he had these specail shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walking real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda boom, down he does right into the water. He sinks like a rock. Thats why i called him peter. Thou art peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church
I:Well, that brings up the apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?
J:They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys 13 of them we had
I: Thirteen? the bible says there were only twelve
J: Well, that was according to luke. I already told you about look. Actually, we had 13. We had Peter, James, Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew,Matthew, thomas, James, that's a diffrent James, Thaddeus. How many is that?
I: thats ten.
J: Simon,Judas, and Red
I Red?
J:Ya red the apostle
I: it didnt say anything about him in the bible.
J: Nad, red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. he was a little strange; he thought the red sea was named after him
I: what about Judas?
J:Don't get me started on Judas. A completely unpleaseant person, okay?
I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, thomas, was he really a doubter?
J:Believe me, this guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin, He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, "You got any ID??" To this day he doesn't believe im god.
I: and are you god?
J:Well, partly. Im a member of the trunut
I: Yes, In fact, you're writing a book about the trinity.
J:Thats right, it's called "Three's a Crowd"
I:As i understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the holy ghost.
J:Listen, it's not an attack, Okay? It happens I dont get alon with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. Thats it. What he does is his buisness
I: whats the reason?
J: Well, 1st of all, he's a wise guy. every time he shoes up, he appears as something diffrent. one day hes a dove, another day hes a tounge of fire. always fooling around. I dont bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him, I dont wanna see him, I dont wanna talk to him
I:Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?
J:Oh yeah, theres a hell all right. theres also a heck not as severe as hell, but weve got a heck and a hell
I:what about purgatory?
J: No, I dont know about no purgatory, We got heaven, hell, heck and limbo.
I:Whats is limbo like?
J:I dont know. No on is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn't be limbo, it would just be another place.
I:Getting back to previous visit, what can you tell us about the last supper?
J:Well, first of all, if i'da know i was gonna be crucified i woulda had a bigger meal. you never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, i had a little salad and veal.
I:the crucifixion must have been terrible.
J:Oh yead, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself you could never know how painful it was and tiring . It wsa very, very tiring.Nut i think more than anything else it was embarrassing you know in front of all those people to be crucified like that but i guess it redeemed a lot of people i hope so. IT wouldnt be a shame to do it for no reason
I:Were you scared?
J:OH yeah, I was afraid it was gonna rain; i thought for sure i would get hit by lightning. one good thing, though, while I was up there i had a really good view; i could actually see my house . theres always a bright side
I: Adn then three days later you rose from the dead.
J:Hows that?
I: On easter sunday, You rose from the dead, didnt you?
J:not that I know of. I think I would have remeber somthing like that.I do remeber sleeping a long time after the crusafiction like i said, it was very tiring. i think what mighta happened was was i passed out, and they thought i was dead, We didnt have good medical people int those days. It was mostly volunteers
I:And, according to the bible forty days later you scended into heaven
J: Pulleys! ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon who came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga, and all in all I woul have to say that while i was down here i had a really good time. Exept for the suffering
I ANd what do you think about Chirstianity today?
J: Well, I' m a little embarrassed by it. I wish the would take my name off it. If i had the whole thing to do over, I would probably startone of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. Thats how come hes laughing
I: YOu wouldn't wan tto be christian?
J: No, I wouldnt want to be a memeber of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. especailly if its me. Buddhas laughing meanwhile Im on the cross
I: i have a few more questions,do you mind
J: hey, be my guest, how often do i get here?
I: Are there really any angels?
J:Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them . Today you cant get the young peple to join. It got to dangerous with all the radar heat seeking missiles.
I:what about gaurdian angels?
J:Ya, we still have them, but now with the population explosion its one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had there own
I:do you really answer prayers?
J:No, first of all what with the sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them dont even get through. and between you and me, we just dont have the staff to handle the workload anymore. in the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but i said, there were less people and in those days people prayed for something simple to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. but today you got people praying for hockey teams, longer fingernails, to lose weight. WE just cant keep up
I: Well, i think were about out of time i certanily want to thank you for visting
J:hey, no swear
I: got any words of advice
J: you mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? something like that?
I:no, i mean spiritaul advice
J: Well, i dont know how spiritual it is, but id say one this is dont give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to yuo.
I:Well thank you jesus have a good night
J: Well, good night thanks for having me on here today and by the way in case anyones intrested, bell bottoms will be coming back in the yard 2015. ciao
J stands for Jesus Duh
I: how are you jesus?
J:Fine thanks and lret me say its great to be back
I:why after all this time have you come back?
J: mostly nostalgia.
I:Can you tell us a little bit about the 1st time you were here?
J: Well theres not much to tell i think everybody knows the story by know. I was born on christmas and acctually, that always bothered me because i only got one present, You know, if I was born a couple months earlier I would've got two presents. but look, im not complaining after all its only good material
I:there a story there were thre wise men
J:Well, there were three kings who showed up. I dont know how wise they were. they didng look very wise. They said they followed a star. That didnt soung so wise to me.
I:Didn''t they bring gifts?
J: yes, gold, frankincense, and i blieve, myrrh, which i never did find out what that was. You don;t happen to know what myrrh is, do you?
I: Well, i believe its a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
J:Oh, great just what i need. What am i gonna do with gum resin? I'd rather have the money, that way i could buy something i need. you know something i wouldn't normally buy for myself
I: what would that be?
J:OH, I dont know. A bathing suit. Inever had a bathing suit mabye a devo hate. posibly a bicycle.I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you relize all the walking i did? I must've crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up ad down, north and south, walking and talking going miracles, telling stories
I:tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
J: Well ,leaving out the loaves and the fished, a total of 107 miracles.
I: Why not the loaves and fishes?
J: well technically that one wasnt a miracle.
I: it wasn't?
J:No,turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old and besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyways.
I:What do you mean? if they werent miracles what were they?
J:Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinating. I even used accupressure. Thats how I cured most of the blind people
I:SO not all of the new testement is true?
J:NAHH, some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. IT was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physican, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything
I:What about raising lazarus from the dead?
J:First of all, he wasnt dead, he was hungover. I've told people that
I:but in the bible it said he was dead
J:N! I said he looked deadd. I said ,"jeez, peter, this guy looks dead!" you see,Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had beed to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine
I:Ah, was that the wedding feast at Cana, where yyou changed water into wine?
J:I dont know we went to an awful lot of wedding feast in those days.
I: But did you ever really turn water into into wine
J: Not that i know of. One time i turned apple juice into milk, but I dont recall water and wine
I: all right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle.What about walking on water? Did that really happen?
J:Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was i could do it andthe other guys couldn't. They were Jealous.Peter got so mad he had these specail shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walking real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda boom, down he does right into the water. He sinks like a rock. Thats why i called him peter. Thou art peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church
I:Well, that brings up the apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?
J:They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys 13 of them we had
I: Thirteen? the bible says there were only twelve
J: Well, that was according to luke. I already told you about look. Actually, we had 13. We had Peter, James, Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew,Matthew, thomas, James, that's a diffrent James, Thaddeus. How many is that?
I: thats ten.
J: Simon,Judas, and Red
I Red?
J:Ya red the apostle
I: it didnt say anything about him in the bible.
J: Nad, red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. he was a little strange; he thought the red sea was named after him
I: what about Judas?
J:Don't get me started on Judas. A completely unpleaseant person, okay?
I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, thomas, was he really a doubter?
J:Believe me, this guy, Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin, He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, "You got any ID??" To this day he doesn't believe im god.
I: and are you god?
J:Well, partly. Im a member of the trunut
I: Yes, In fact, you're writing a book about the trinity.
J:Thats right, it's called "Three's a Crowd"
I:As i understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the holy ghost.
J:Listen, it's not an attack, Okay? It happens I dont get alon with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. Thats it. What he does is his buisness
I: whats the reason?
J: Well, 1st of all, he's a wise guy. every time he shoes up, he appears as something diffrent. one day hes a dove, another day hes a tounge of fire. always fooling around. I dont bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him, I dont wanna see him, I dont wanna talk to him
I:Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?
J:Oh yeah, theres a hell all right. theres also a heck not as severe as hell, but weve got a heck and a hell
I:what about purgatory?
J: No, I dont know about no purgatory, We got heaven, hell, heck and limbo.
I:Whats is limbo like?
J:I dont know. No on is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn't be limbo, it would just be another place.
I:Getting back to previous visit, what can you tell us about the last supper?
J:Well, first of all, if i'da know i was gonna be crucified i woulda had a bigger meal. you never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, i had a little salad and veal.
I:the crucifixion must have been terrible.
J:Oh yead, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself you could never know how painful it was and tiring . It wsa very, very tiring.Nut i think more than anything else it was embarrassing you know in front of all those people to be crucified like that but i guess it redeemed a lot of people i hope so. IT wouldnt be a shame to do it for no reason
I:Were you scared?
J:OH yeah, I was afraid it was gonna rain; i thought for sure i would get hit by lightning. one good thing, though, while I was up there i had a really good view; i could actually see my house . theres always a bright side
I: Adn then three days later you rose from the dead.
J:Hows that?
I: On easter sunday, You rose from the dead, didnt you?
J:not that I know of. I think I would have remeber somthing like that.I do remeber sleeping a long time after the crusafiction like i said, it was very tiring. i think what mighta happened was was i passed out, and they thought i was dead, We didnt have good medical people int those days. It was mostly volunteers
I:And, according to the bible forty days later you scended into heaven
J: Pulleys! ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon who came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga, and all in all I woul have to say that while i was down here i had a really good time. Exept for the suffering
I ANd what do you think about Chirstianity today?
J: Well, I' m a little embarrassed by it. I wish the would take my name off it. If i had the whole thing to do over, I would probably startone of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. Thats how come hes laughing
I: YOu wouldn't wan tto be christian?
J: No, I wouldnt want to be a memeber of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. especailly if its me. Buddhas laughing meanwhile Im on the cross
I: i have a few more questions,do you mind
J: hey, be my guest, how often do i get here?
I: Are there really any angels?
J:Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them . Today you cant get the young peple to join. It got to dangerous with all the radar heat seeking missiles.
I:what about gaurdian angels?
J:Ya, we still have them, but now with the population explosion its one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had there own
I:do you really answer prayers?
J:No, first of all what with the sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them dont even get through. and between you and me, we just dont have the staff to handle the workload anymore. in the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but i said, there were less people and in those days people prayed for something simple to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. but today you got people praying for hockey teams, longer fingernails, to lose weight. WE just cant keep up
I: Well, i think were about out of time i certanily want to thank you for visting
J:hey, no swear
I: got any words of advice
J: you mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? something like that?
I:no, i mean spiritaul advice
J: Well, i dont know how spiritual it is, but id say one this is dont give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to yuo.
I:Well thank you jesus have a good night
J: Well, good night thanks for having me on here today and by the way in case anyones intrested, bell bottoms will be coming back in the yard 2015. ciao