(no subject)
despite this city sucking at life, there certainly are some beautiful spots in which to watch a sunset. and i guess i can attribute that to pizza delivery and knowing the roads so well.
i took off a little while ago to watch the sky glow pink and orange. i needed to see something beautiful again, in silence.
i shot up loomis road first, but couldn't get a good look at anything. so i turned around and headed up grandville road, then on to northwest. i saw the glow fade behind the mountains in russell. and me without my camera. but it was pleasant to see anyway.
when i think about it, i've only seen two very beautiful things that have to do with nature. one was last winter when we drove through the everglades in florida. it was a perfect day. i saw so many beautiful birds and yes, some gators too. the land was flat and covered with wheat colored grass. it was such a privledge to see it.
yesterday rob and i went up to mt. greylock. i had never been before. we drove up half way, then climbed the rest. i was 3900 feet in the air, looking over the berkshire hills. you could see forever... into new hampshire, into worcester even. it was quiet. peaceful. i sat there and thought about all the incredible bullshit that went on below, in those tiny houses and little cars moving about the roads. up there, it there was nothing but serenity. it made me think a lot about my life and how i was spending it. i think yesterday was the first time in more than a month that i truly felt at peace.
i do believe in god. i believe that there's some powerful force that makes this beautiful nature, and makes a person appreciate it. i also believe that god has quite the sense of humor. he's sarcastic. cynical. but also forgiving and enlightening. of course, thinking this makes me a bad jew. but there has been too much happening to me to believe otherwise. he watches over me. he laughs at my jokes. i laugh at his. sort of. and i need him more than ever right now for guidance and care.
i have so many friends right now, i don't know what to do with them all. never has it been that way. and unfortuntely, because of my crippling depression, i can't really be a decent friend back to any of them. if you're reading this, and you know who you all are, please forgive me for the way i've been acting. i've been self-loathing and hateful. and closed off. i would love to rally all of you together and tell you exactly what's been happening... but it's hard. i will come around eventually. i hope. thank you all for your kind words and caring. it does mean a lot to me.
you preach all day long about honesty, and staying away from liars. yet you're lying to the people you "care" about and getting away with it. you're no better than me. no matter how many mistakes i've made, i repent for them everyday, while you're wallowing in your freedom. so what happened to your conscious? you're stuffing it away. just like i did. but just like you said to me... the truth will come out. you'll realize. so will she.
so it goes.
i took off a little while ago to watch the sky glow pink and orange. i needed to see something beautiful again, in silence.
i shot up loomis road first, but couldn't get a good look at anything. so i turned around and headed up grandville road, then on to northwest. i saw the glow fade behind the mountains in russell. and me without my camera. but it was pleasant to see anyway.
when i think about it, i've only seen two very beautiful things that have to do with nature. one was last winter when we drove through the everglades in florida. it was a perfect day. i saw so many beautiful birds and yes, some gators too. the land was flat and covered with wheat colored grass. it was such a privledge to see it.
yesterday rob and i went up to mt. greylock. i had never been before. we drove up half way, then climbed the rest. i was 3900 feet in the air, looking over the berkshire hills. you could see forever... into new hampshire, into worcester even. it was quiet. peaceful. i sat there and thought about all the incredible bullshit that went on below, in those tiny houses and little cars moving about the roads. up there, it there was nothing but serenity. it made me think a lot about my life and how i was spending it. i think yesterday was the first time in more than a month that i truly felt at peace.
i do believe in god. i believe that there's some powerful force that makes this beautiful nature, and makes a person appreciate it. i also believe that god has quite the sense of humor. he's sarcastic. cynical. but also forgiving and enlightening. of course, thinking this makes me a bad jew. but there has been too much happening to me to believe otherwise. he watches over me. he laughs at my jokes. i laugh at his. sort of. and i need him more than ever right now for guidance and care.
i have so many friends right now, i don't know what to do with them all. never has it been that way. and unfortuntely, because of my crippling depression, i can't really be a decent friend back to any of them. if you're reading this, and you know who you all are, please forgive me for the way i've been acting. i've been self-loathing and hateful. and closed off. i would love to rally all of you together and tell you exactly what's been happening... but it's hard. i will come around eventually. i hope. thank you all for your kind words and caring. it does mean a lot to me.
you preach all day long about honesty, and staying away from liars. yet you're lying to the people you "care" about and getting away with it. you're no better than me. no matter how many mistakes i've made, i repent for them everyday, while you're wallowing in your freedom. so what happened to your conscious? you're stuffing it away. just like i did. but just like you said to me... the truth will come out. you'll realize. so will she.
so it goes.