(no subject)
Tears in my beer
Well it just ain't clear
I had a dream
Well so it seems
She's in the sun
Not having fun
And I'm standing here
Just the lonely one
Tears in my beer
Here comes another year
Seen it all before
Just like a closing door
There was a time
When she was mine
Well it's so long ago
Does she want to know?
I know you just think that I'm just singing the blues
But I've got nothing to lose
Tears in my beer
It's getting clear
Her face I see
Right next to me
She's drinking wine
And looking fine
I'm feeling sad
It's just a dream I had
ahh sometimes i wonder why musicians have so much of a better way to put my words than i do. let's take, for example, trent reznor's words, the essence of which was really captured by the late musical genius johnny cash, in the song hurt:
what have i become,
my sweetest thing?
everyone i know
goes away in the end
ok so without getting toooo much into this (cuz im sure commiserating for a whole paragraph won't do any good), today i was trippin on the ideas of causation and samsara, which are best summed up in the first noble truths:
1. life is suffering.
2. the cause of this suffering is desire.
ok so the first one. sounds pretty dark right? well it has a LOT to do with the impermanent nature of all things. impermanence, i think, is very well demonstrated in this little shithole town called isla vista. it seems on the exterior that everything stays the same. in the year that i was gone, the overall quality of this town didn't get any better, and minus a few more asshole cops and some construction going on on campus, everything looks the same. but every year the dynamics change. everyone's got a new click it seems every fuckin year, and it always has to do with where people live and with whom. i mean we try to maintain friendships and keep up contact but sometimes hey, it just doesnt happen. and when everything around me looks the same as it did two years ago, it just seems to highlight the people, things, and situations that i miss. and that is how noble truth number one is so fucking obvious to me now. and i'm not even getting into my friend that died while i was gone and the people that either graduated early or left for some other life far, far away. and i'm also not getting into my whole edinburgh thing, and all the people i won't see for many many years, if ever again. nope, all that is just too goddamn self-explanatory. so how does dipfuck deal with these things he misses and desires to hang onto (see noble truth #2)? i pretend i don't care, like it simply doesnt fucking bother me, and i try to get on with other things in my life, until one day i just explode and become this huge emotional mess, just wanting things to be the way they were. but that, my friends - as i'm sure you all know - just isn't in the cards. but what then? seems like whenever i try to repair something (after an extended period of not caring, then freakin everyone out by becoming some crybaby headcase), i just break it further. it feels like i can't do anything right anymore, no matter how hard i try. or how hard i want it. or how hard i pretend that i don't.
so what the fuck? is this journal entry supposed to help me? like, give me some magical peace of mind or insight into how to make everything better? shit no. hell, i'm the one who got 'learn to suffer' tattooed on my arm, you'd think i'd be able to deal with it. but that's exactly the point, i guess. just wish i were a faster learner.
Well it just ain't clear
I had a dream
Well so it seems
She's in the sun
Not having fun
And I'm standing here
Just the lonely one
Tears in my beer
Here comes another year
Seen it all before
Just like a closing door
There was a time
When she was mine
Well it's so long ago
Does she want to know?
I know you just think that I'm just singing the blues
But I've got nothing to lose
Tears in my beer
It's getting clear
Her face I see
Right next to me
She's drinking wine
And looking fine
I'm feeling sad
It's just a dream I had
ahh sometimes i wonder why musicians have so much of a better way to put my words than i do. let's take, for example, trent reznor's words, the essence of which was really captured by the late musical genius johnny cash, in the song hurt:
what have i become,
my sweetest thing?
everyone i know
goes away in the end
ok so without getting toooo much into this (cuz im sure commiserating for a whole paragraph won't do any good), today i was trippin on the ideas of causation and samsara, which are best summed up in the first noble truths:
1. life is suffering.
2. the cause of this suffering is desire.
ok so the first one. sounds pretty dark right? well it has a LOT to do with the impermanent nature of all things. impermanence, i think, is very well demonstrated in this little shithole town called isla vista. it seems on the exterior that everything stays the same. in the year that i was gone, the overall quality of this town didn't get any better, and minus a few more asshole cops and some construction going on on campus, everything looks the same. but every year the dynamics change. everyone's got a new click it seems every fuckin year, and it always has to do with where people live and with whom. i mean we try to maintain friendships and keep up contact but sometimes hey, it just doesnt happen. and when everything around me looks the same as it did two years ago, it just seems to highlight the people, things, and situations that i miss. and that is how noble truth number one is so fucking obvious to me now. and i'm not even getting into my friend that died while i was gone and the people that either graduated early or left for some other life far, far away. and i'm also not getting into my whole edinburgh thing, and all the people i won't see for many many years, if ever again. nope, all that is just too goddamn self-explanatory. so how does dipfuck deal with these things he misses and desires to hang onto (see noble truth #2)? i pretend i don't care, like it simply doesnt fucking bother me, and i try to get on with other things in my life, until one day i just explode and become this huge emotional mess, just wanting things to be the way they were. but that, my friends - as i'm sure you all know - just isn't in the cards. but what then? seems like whenever i try to repair something (after an extended period of not caring, then freakin everyone out by becoming some crybaby headcase), i just break it further. it feels like i can't do anything right anymore, no matter how hard i try. or how hard i want it. or how hard i pretend that i don't.
so what the fuck? is this journal entry supposed to help me? like, give me some magical peace of mind or insight into how to make everything better? shit no. hell, i'm the one who got 'learn to suffer' tattooed on my arm, you'd think i'd be able to deal with it. but that's exactly the point, i guess. just wish i were a faster learner.