(no subject)
I can't write about the details right now without wanting to just crawl in a hole and die of shame, but in short, Theresa and I broke up yesterday.
It was my fault, and it was over something that's been a problem for me for far longer than it ever should've been.
Mostly, what it means is that, despite my best efforts to grow up with and for myself and this relationship, despite giving myself over in so many other ways, there were STILL parts of me that were far too immature to truly understand and supply what a relationship demands
I'd like to think losing her and sorting through the wreckage without sleep last night was enough to finally get, once and for all, that this is the most stupid of my so-called damage I have and it needs to be excised NOW before I even think of becoming closer with someone again. I'd like to think that I've come to that conclusion at last. I'd like to think that, under different circumstances, this would be one of those moments I've had in the last few weeks where I stand up straighter, knowing I am, and will continue to become "a grown ass man". But it almost seems pointless without proving it to her.
I still hope one day, maybe even soon, she'll see that in me. I hope I get the opportunity to show her. I hope I have the opportunity to lay myself 100 on the table for her and trust her with the knives. I hope I get the opportunity to rebuild.
Right now, all I can do is hate myself, and miss her.
It was my fault, and it was over something that's been a problem for me for far longer than it ever should've been.
Mostly, what it means is that, despite my best efforts to grow up with and for myself and this relationship, despite giving myself over in so many other ways, there were STILL parts of me that were far too immature to truly understand and supply what a relationship demands
I'd like to think losing her and sorting through the wreckage without sleep last night was enough to finally get, once and for all, that this is the most stupid of my so-called damage I have and it needs to be excised NOW before I even think of becoming closer with someone again. I'd like to think that I've come to that conclusion at last. I'd like to think that, under different circumstances, this would be one of those moments I've had in the last few weeks where I stand up straighter, knowing I am, and will continue to become "a grown ass man". But it almost seems pointless without proving it to her.
I still hope one day, maybe even soon, she'll see that in me. I hope I get the opportunity to show her. I hope I have the opportunity to lay myself 100 on the table for her and trust her with the knives. I hope I get the opportunity to rebuild.
Right now, all I can do is hate myself, and miss her.