more drama...(poop!)
okies, where to srtart....err, ummm.
thursday: at school, nothing wrong, in fact, it was a pretty good day. i skipped seventh ( i know, i know, bad mantha!) and was outside with jose's class (there was a sub.) and jacob and eden even showed up, which was a bit strange at first, but turned out pretty cool. lol, it was weird though, jose and jacob hanging out...lol. sammie was there too, so ...yeah, it was cool. after school jose didn't stay and that was actually ok because i needed to go to geom. tutoring anyway, so even that wasn't really a bummer. nessa picked me up, and it's about here that things got a little...off. nessa and jerm thought i'd be babaysitting again, but i hadn't planned on it, and it was just this misunderstanding right? so i know nessa was a bit ticked off. oh well, she'll get over it, i'm sorry i couldn't help them, but i needed to do homework and just kinda chill.
turns out it's a good thing i went home because around eight or so, jose called. he told me he had a lot to say and that i needed to just listen. (meanwhile i'm thinking,'....wtf?') so i went outside, sat on the steps and listened. and he started to tell me that he'd been thinking a lot and that he thought it'd be better if we were just friends. this caught me completely off guard because, well because he's the one who'd always said that he couldn't ever just be my friend because he knew he loved me etc. and afterall we'd never really been friends to begin with, ya know? and when i told him i needed time to think about our relationship because sometimes it scared me, he'd ask why i was the only one who had any doubts. so for him to be telling me he needed time to think, that we were too young, and that we should just be friends, was really strange and to be perfectly honest the one thing i really felt was betrayed.
so after haning up on him i sat down and started to think, but i couldn't really cuz then i started crying and i dunno...lol, anna you understand this part, i went upstairs to my room, turned on the stereo, sat down and just cried.
then it occured to me i shouldn't really be sitting around like that, i'm not the most stable person and we all know i tend to do stupid crazy things when i get depressed. so i texted anna ( i wasn't sure i could really actually talk on the phone, lol), and we ended up talking for a little bit. lol, i actually did the right thing go me! ha ha.
i was supoosed to go over to anna's yesterday afternoon, but i opted not to, i just needed to chillax on my own and think.
okies so moving on to friday then.
friday morning i walk into the library and luis, jose's brother, actually looked at me for like 2 seconds, and i thought, "yup, today's gonna suck monkey balls." lol. so i walk over to jose, trying to remember what i wanted to say and hoping i could keep it together long enough to tell him without crying and making a mess of myself ( which would really suck, because who needs to be crying at before 8 am anyway? ) but before i say anything jose gets up and so i know we're going to go outside...which is fine so i start walking. we get outside and he first asks if i cut myself, i told him no. and was actually tempted to tell him he's not really worth the effort....but i dunno, i just couldn't tell him that. then he says " you know that wasn't me on the phone last night..you know that right?", and i'm trying to figure out what he's doing and trying to convince myself to not believe him because afterall, he doesn't know just how crappy i felt. but he starts explaining and i don't interupt him, and what he tells me is actually very believeable...but i'm still not sure i'm ok with it.
what he tells me is that his mom has really been fighting him on this (his being with me) and it's been espeically bad the past two weeks or so. and she ( i guess) tells him he has to end it, and he ( i guess) stops fighting her on it, so he called me, and she was on the other phone the whole time, and so now she thinks it's over. and jose said that for now, that's the easiest thing, if she just thinks we're not together.
so he and i aren't broken up i guess, but instead, it's a secret. and i'm not sure i'm ok with this. i mean, i dunno, maybe i'd do the same thing if i were in his place, and i know it is a lot easier for him if she thinks we're broken up...but i just ...i dunno. i wonder if he's ever told her he loves me...and i...i know this sounds so..i dunno...arrogant maybe...but i wonder if he thinks it wouldn't be worth all the trouble. i dunno, i really don't, i mean i have no clue how bad or how often the arguments are, and i'm aware of the fact that his mom likes to put the blame on him even if it's something that's got nothing to do with him, but it's just a very...a really difficult situation. on the one hand i want to tell him to not do this, because i really don't think i could do the same if it were me putting up with shit from my mom. i told my mom i loved him and believe me, her response was less than ok, but i told her anyway and let her say what she wanted to and just didn't really listen to it, but i told her because i wanted her to know that this is what's going on in my life
lol, gotta go....i might write more later...lol