Terminate. Yes please.
Perhaps I should have suspected earlier that I was actually suffering from environmentally induced depression. I'm one of those very slow people that don't even suspect anything is wrong with me, and ofcourse, it was always everybody else. I mean, I should have known, every girl every guy, every friend I've kept in my life had some kind of mental health problem, though their problems were rarely mutual, e.g. suicidal, abused as opposed to my later more prominent symptoms like panic attacks, anxiety, and generally apathy (though I would argue this is a naturaly occurring human condition). I seriously should have known.
So, at the ripeful age of 24, going onto 25 in about a months time, I am fulfilling my quarter life crisis by realising that I just
a. suddenly woke up from depression and don't know how to integrate back into the real world of joy
b am even more depressed and justifiably so
c. am single. bah, humbug.
In life, the core needs of a happy healty human being is a sense of belonging to whereever it maybe and a sense of stability and routine. Whilst everybdy else has at least one of the two down, my enlightened little self has come to the realization that I have neither. And an overwhelming anticipation that I might not get any of them any time soon.
So...continue shaving head. Few more piercings, tattoos.
Sabotage everything and turn myself into a freak of nature. Yes, that is evidently the solution. Quite a spectacular downfall, bet my mother didn't see that one coming.
Anyway, shallow story telling aside, what I'm trying to disclose is life is shit, I'm fucked and I'm thinking terminating oneself is not such a bad idea in such harsh times. MIght as well book myself in during an economic downturn. Maybe I can generate an indefinite amount of debt that I don't even have to bother paying back. Off to the mall.
I became an atheist in the last 2 years, lured by the arms of reason (arms and sexy intellect of my ex gf more like) so I'm happy to turn into worm food in the words of brightling Ania.
I don't really like the people in my life. So if you're a nice person please give me a small reason to live. I need a sign! Grr. Did I mention I'm sick and tired of the people I know. THey're all frigid, ice cold, icy, like gelato. Mmm. I like gelato. But I don't like people, cold. I am not kidding, the friends in my life are emotion blind, I on the other hand, feel everything. All things, in all colours and shades. I can't function with people like that.
I don't like my job and don't think I'm able to keep it much longer. Enough said.
If I have to be alone I might as well do it sleeping because I sure as hell don't like it. I am a nature endowed extrovert. I live to express and right now all I can show for is mere disappointment. That word in itself could sum up my whole life.
Now all the odds are against me, my desire for existence which I would like to defend is all round healthy. I am very optimistic, resilient and probably way too hopeful. Maybe so hopeful that I've failed to see my whole world crumbling down. Now that it has physical fulfilled the criteria for total and utter failure. I feel like I'm being backed into an imaginary corner.
I don't feel like functioning as a person.
Whats the point when you have no friends to relate to. An ex gf that reminds you of how useless and stupid you are, and whats the point if you don't like the plate that is served? I don't think I know anyone that hates their own life wth such a passion. Coming from a passionate person, I serve as the litmus of truth. Making claims with a stable mind, amounting to a logical conclusion...I really want to stop existing. Why hang around any longer?
I am no longer depressed, but I really don't want to shoulder the burden of 'catch ups' Begging and pleading for a decent phone call, craving, starving for a wee little bit of affection. I am human and when I starve like this, a little more of me dies inside each day very emo yes I know.
I don't have much more to say. Actually maybe, I wish was a better writer. My manic incoherence taunts me.
So, at the ripeful age of 24, going onto 25 in about a months time, I am fulfilling my quarter life crisis by realising that I just
a. suddenly woke up from depression and don't know how to integrate back into the real world of joy
b am even more depressed and justifiably so
c. am single. bah, humbug.
In life, the core needs of a happy healty human being is a sense of belonging to whereever it maybe and a sense of stability and routine. Whilst everybdy else has at least one of the two down, my enlightened little self has come to the realization that I have neither. And an overwhelming anticipation that I might not get any of them any time soon.
So...continue shaving head. Few more piercings, tattoos.
Sabotage everything and turn myself into a freak of nature. Yes, that is evidently the solution. Quite a spectacular downfall, bet my mother didn't see that one coming.
Anyway, shallow story telling aside, what I'm trying to disclose is life is shit, I'm fucked and I'm thinking terminating oneself is not such a bad idea in such harsh times. MIght as well book myself in during an economic downturn. Maybe I can generate an indefinite amount of debt that I don't even have to bother paying back. Off to the mall.
I became an atheist in the last 2 years, lured by the arms of reason (arms and sexy intellect of my ex gf more like) so I'm happy to turn into worm food in the words of brightling Ania.
I don't really like the people in my life. So if you're a nice person please give me a small reason to live. I need a sign! Grr. Did I mention I'm sick and tired of the people I know. THey're all frigid, ice cold, icy, like gelato. Mmm. I like gelato. But I don't like people, cold. I am not kidding, the friends in my life are emotion blind, I on the other hand, feel everything. All things, in all colours and shades. I can't function with people like that.
I don't like my job and don't think I'm able to keep it much longer. Enough said.
If I have to be alone I might as well do it sleeping because I sure as hell don't like it. I am a nature endowed extrovert. I live to express and right now all I can show for is mere disappointment. That word in itself could sum up my whole life.
Now all the odds are against me, my desire for existence which I would like to defend is all round healthy. I am very optimistic, resilient and probably way too hopeful. Maybe so hopeful that I've failed to see my whole world crumbling down. Now that it has physical fulfilled the criteria for total and utter failure. I feel like I'm being backed into an imaginary corner.
I don't feel like functioning as a person.
Whats the point when you have no friends to relate to. An ex gf that reminds you of how useless and stupid you are, and whats the point if you don't like the plate that is served? I don't think I know anyone that hates their own life wth such a passion. Coming from a passionate person, I serve as the litmus of truth. Making claims with a stable mind, amounting to a logical conclusion...I really want to stop existing. Why hang around any longer?
I am no longer depressed, but I really don't want to shoulder the burden of 'catch ups' Begging and pleading for a decent phone call, craving, starving for a wee little bit of affection. I am human and when I starve like this, a little more of me dies inside each day very emo yes I know.
I don't have much more to say. Actually maybe, I wish was a better writer. My manic incoherence taunts me.