back for the first time in agews.
My girlfriend is the epitomy of the living dead. I have been seeing her for about 2 1/2 months now. Not very long. But issues have already arisen well and truly. She's cynical, I'm not. She's reserved I'm not. She's not in love...I'm not. We are both in the same stages of life...we're about to travel together overseas for a month..where we can test out the deep waters of really getting into each other. After all we did hook up whilst we were travelling together with friends last time. So if it should end any other way, then there is nothing so apt as travelling.
Anyway, wondering where I have been? my mistake. Nobody really cares. I have been working for the life of me, my parents aren't cool with my gayness, they remain in their deadly state of denial, meanwhile I the opportunist, take this indication that I have to buy time, save up and get the fuck out if I'm to ever have something real like a life. I could die living in this ol' town. It's not that small town, it's just full of straight christian conservative families. My soul thrives in the very heart of the city.
I've been working so crazy. My tinnitus has been getting worse, or so I've imagined it. In fact my body is so wasted that my panic disorder has come back in full throttle. I keep thinking I'm dying ill or I'd get triggered into feeling like I'm going to faint or pass out. After my attacks I would be exhuasted for the next 3 days. I'll just sleep it away.
I am currently on a homeopathic medication...melatonin to help me sleep through the crazy shrills of tinnitus. It's not the sound but the fear that really kills you on the inside. So yes, thinking of some tinnitus groups if there are some out there. But I still need to make time for work, that's the problem.
This time around I'm really ready to use anti-depressants. I've never had a strong desire to stop feeling before. I don't care if its numb, but I can't keep feeling fear and a want not to be here. It's unhealthy. It's been so long since I've felt healthy. I don't even do sport these days. My lungs feel collapsed. Sometimes my mind tunes out of my body.
I want to get my doctor to refer me to a free psychologist cos I can't fucking afford one.
Watch her go crazy... :P/
Anyway, wondering where I have been? my mistake. Nobody really cares. I have been working for the life of me, my parents aren't cool with my gayness, they remain in their deadly state of denial, meanwhile I the opportunist, take this indication that I have to buy time, save up and get the fuck out if I'm to ever have something real like a life. I could die living in this ol' town. It's not that small town, it's just full of straight christian conservative families. My soul thrives in the very heart of the city.
I've been working so crazy. My tinnitus has been getting worse, or so I've imagined it. In fact my body is so wasted that my panic disorder has come back in full throttle. I keep thinking I'm dying ill or I'd get triggered into feeling like I'm going to faint or pass out. After my attacks I would be exhuasted for the next 3 days. I'll just sleep it away.
I am currently on a homeopathic medication...melatonin to help me sleep through the crazy shrills of tinnitus. It's not the sound but the fear that really kills you on the inside. So yes, thinking of some tinnitus groups if there are some out there. But I still need to make time for work, that's the problem.
This time around I'm really ready to use anti-depressants. I've never had a strong desire to stop feeling before. I don't care if its numb, but I can't keep feeling fear and a want not to be here. It's unhealthy. It's been so long since I've felt healthy. I don't even do sport these days. My lungs feel collapsed. Sometimes my mind tunes out of my body.
I want to get my doctor to refer me to a free psychologist cos I can't fucking afford one.
Watch her go crazy... :P/