(no subject)
I knew one day that she would find someone else. I accepted it just like I accepted many of the things to come my way. So why does it feel like I'm going to be sick? It makes no fucking sense. She dropped everything I ever felt for her on the floor. Why the fuck can't I drop it too? Nobody should have this much control over another's emotions. Fuck her for being able to make me feel that way. Fuck anyone who ever has or ever will. They have no right. It's been nearly a year now. Amazing how the time flies. Amazing how the shit piles up, too. I've always believed in a balance in life. Yet as life progresses further, I see that the scales tip. Which direction and how much they are tipped varies from person to person. Maybe there is a balance. I was with her for a year. We had our problems, but I was honestly happy. Maybe this is karma taking its dues. A year of pain for the year of exstasy. God forbid something go right within that year. I struggle. Day to day, things get harder, yet I struggle to keep that weight balanced on my shoulders. I've grown to almost accept the direction my life seems to head. Downward I spiral, maybe I should kick it in high gear and speed the process up. Why the fuck is it that more and more comes my way though? God, it's not even her that has brought me to this. The fucking proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I try. I honestly do. I try to make good things happen in my life. I got a car with full intent to get a well paying job. The day after I got that car, it broke down. After two weeks worth of work and frustration, I was extended an offer to take it to a mechanic and have it paid for as a birthday present. Two weeks they had my car. The day I was supposed to get it back, I find out that there is an underlying transmission issue. My car is totalled. That car was free, all I could afford. Not only have I lost the job opportunity, I lost my chance to get out. To socialize more often. To become happy to an extent by surrounding myself with people. I tried to move on, too. I found a girl and started to talk to her. It lasted a week. Drama followed, and it actually put me in some trouble. Monetarilly we're fucked. Sixty six bucks in the bank to live off of until this thursday. Not just me. This entire house. Bills, food, gas. My health steadily declines. Yes, I'm fucking getting worse. I've turned everywhere for advice. All I've gotten is that things will either get better in the end or that I have to make them better on my own. You know what? Fuck you all. I'm tired of hearing your drawn out bullshit. The only peace that anyone will ever find is death. Anyone who brings that upon themself is a fucking worthless piece of shit. So I'm stuck aren't I? Stuck in the downward spiral. What confort will accpetance bring? None. But, what comfort will fighting it bring? None. This throws me for a fucking loop honestly. Having a balance oriented thought process, this just shatters everything I stand for. Fairness is an illusion. Just like everything else. Friendship, love, even happiness. None of it lasts. You just find yourself in the same place that you were in before. Fuck you. I don't even know who to direct that to anymore. I'm so fucking confused. I just don't know where to go anymore. Why am I even writing this? Is it so that the few people who will read this will know? Is it for myself so I can get this all out? What right does anyone have to know any of this? None of this makes sense anymore. Nothing is right in the world. I can't fucking take this anymore.