(no subject)
Warning, Salon Day Pass Required
You're probably familiar with Salon. Salon is a decidedly liberal publication, and is one of the first successful subscription-based web-published ezines. Between the Joe Conanson and the Arianna Huffington, and the ten minute long Kerry ads, no self-respecting conservative would be caught dead on its bleedingly liberal virtual pages. Over and over, it is decried as laughable, biased, and a fine example of the extremist babble of the far left.
This really isn't accurate. The trouble is, the conservative naysayers are onto something. But it's not because Salon is liberal. It's their advice column. It's my absolute favorite page for a good laugh. It's under the 'life' heading, where one can find the (updated daily!) opines of Mr. Cary Tennis. Mr. Tennis, if that's even his real name, has been dispensing "advice" to Salon readers for years now. The anti-Dan Savage, he doles out bland, non-judgemental advice for the convictionless soul. "Advice" is being kind though, since what he distributes is so weak and watered down it could be mistaken for lite beer in most corners of the country.
Most of the time when I ask advice, it's because I am blinded or seduced by own wishes, and my asking for advice is actually a plea for grounding. I know what I ought to do. But what I want is so much more satisfying. Oh sure, that's not all one seeks advice on. Do I get presents for my friends during the holidays or call each in turn and catch up on their lives? Should I give the Sick Little Plant Man black nightshade, or belladonna? These are decisions that aren't based in morals but have more to do with objective considerations. But given how this waffler answers either type of question, it's pretty clear you shouldn't rely on Cary Tennis.
Let's take today's letter to Cary, which falls into the category of 'objective consideration.' Digested, it can be summed up to this: Dear Carey, I'm a married thirty-something lawyer who is very particular/anxious about my job and it's "bleeding over" into my life. I'm anxious about everything. I can't delegate. I can't relax. Help! Her letter is chock full of red flags that she's a control freak. ("I work at one of the largest law firms in the country" - how does that change anything? "I've never dropped the ball" - because a mistake on the job means you're scum? "I don't trust my husband to change the laundry in under thirty minutes!!???" - I need say nothing.) Now, I like a good lawyer bashing as much as the next non-lawyer, but let's be fair here. Her control issues have nothing to do with attorneys or the law. In fact, for the most part, the law has nothing to do with the daily functions of attorneys. It's about communication, politics, and patience, just like any other kind of speciality consulting.
What does Cary say? Cary says: You know, you're "drowning in the law." It's your job's fault. Take a vacation. Insert law pun here, here and here - case closed.
This isn't good advice! This woman is literally asking what she should do because she's feeling anxious about feeling anxious, or she's feeling anxious about not feeling anxious. She says she can't relax on vacations because she's too busy feeling anxious. She doesn't need a vacation. She needs to screw up and be told she's not perfect and people love her anyway. She needs to take a mylanta and a daily cocktail hour in a hot tub. Not be told she's fine and her job isn't.
But this recommendation is actually rock solid compared to Cary's usual letters, which go something like this: "Dear Cary, I'm in a relationship that's lasted X years. This person's really attractive and smart and is an attentive lover and a stellar parent but I really want to leave my spouse/lover/long-term-partner for this plumber/electrician/grocery-bagger in Utah/Reno/The Bronx who I bet is really good in bed. And this new guy is totally game. He thinks I'm hot and says he wants to do me. I know I probably shouldn't but I do. I don't know what to do. Please help me." This is not an exagerration. See here, here or here.
And Cary's response is something like "Hm... maybe you should do what you think will make you happiest in the long term. Though just remember your long-term-whoever might not be very happy." Bless Cary. He's trying to be non-critical. He wants to encourage readers to write in more questions so that he can write more advice. This, however, is not really advice. This politically correct fluff tells your desire to wipe its feet after its done walking all over your standards. It's strange that in an era of reality television shows, where bitchiness, cattiness, and the cab ride of free-wheeling revenge is all the rage, what's to fear from calling a spade a spade? They asked for advice, not a benediction.
So Cary, here's my advice for your column. Don't talk about how the problem made you feel, just rephrase the problem in the most reductive, demeaning way possible. And then verbally smack them in the head. If it's a real dilemma, it will survive the crack of your quips. Trust me.
Here's an example. A woman in a long-term, healthy relationship with another woman is intensely attracted to a man. When they hang out together they ignore everyone else and touch "accidentally." She's been obsessing over him for a year. She doesn't want to have an affair "especially after he's married." What should she do?
Before Response: I can't tell you what you should do until I know what this man represents to you. Perhaps you want to dominate him. Perhaps you just want to show your partner your heterosexual side.
After Response: Let me get this straight. You "cherish" your partner and the fiancee of Mr. X, but despite this, you've been hanging out with a man who you don't respect who you touch and who touches you "accidentally." And you don't want to have a "sordid affair, especially not after he's married?" Time out. You've already considered having an affair. That's what we call "premeditation." I might be "drowning in the law" here, but just because you haven't "intentionally" touched him doesn't mean you haven't already crossed some lines. You don't quit smoking by lighting cigarettes and holding them close to your mouth. Or do you? I hope you don't cherish your loved ones by betraying them. So stay away from him, and instead of thinking of all the sex you're not having with him, think about you and why you think it's ok to entertain this sort of thing for a whole year. Ask yourself if you're a jerk. Because if you keep this up, the answer is yeah.
Here's another example: I'm pregnant, and my husband is an angry commodities trader. He has a lot of anger and shouts. I think that's bad for the baby. What should I do?
Before Response: Get a dog. The dog will bark at him when he shouts. Or use money. Or use humor. But get him to stop.
After Response: Hm, you think anger is bad for your baby and he's angry. What should you do? I guess you could try talking to him about it. Yeah, that's an idea. Talk to him about it. Or you could be passive aggressive and hope he speaks DOG.
And here's my last and favorite: Cary, I'm a girl, and I've been friends with this guy, and I found out that though he's nice to me, he uses prostitutes, degrades women, engages in crude phone sex, and blames advirtising. But his problems stem from sexuality, not regular prejudice. Is it ok to be critical of this?
Before Answer: (Four long paragraphs of meandering about the guy) "...[I]f something offends you, what's wrong with saying it offends you? It's hipper to be real and freaked out than phony and cool"
After Answer: No, it's not ok, Judas. I kill puppies and kitties sometimes to have orgasms, but it's based in sexuality, and that makes it ok.
originally posted by pressedflat, September 30, 2004