(no subject)
The Smelly Pink Bandwagon of Satan
I'm no prognosticator. I'm not even a particularly good naysayer. But there are periods in time that even I can't ignore. These are the days when you can feel something momentous in the very air around you, as you walk down the streets, or through the mall, passing stores and shops. There's a squaw in every voice, be it true or promotional. It's something that makes your skin tingle, alerts your senses to danger, awakens your pheramones and your endorphins, and prepares you for the ultimate flight or the final fight. The moment is coming in human history that makes the very atmosphere crackle with ozone as it touches you, and blows the winds of impending destiny straight into our faces...
And up our undeserving, unsuspecting noses.
That's right. Destiny has a smell, and that smell is pretty damn cloying. Mark my words, the end is nigh. The beast is coming, and it reeks of celebrity perfumes.
At first I thought the apocalypse could be held off indefinitely. For some reason, as a result of being weirdly drawn to the Delta commercial song - Orinoco Flow - my family had given me four out of five Enya albums. I knew if I got the fifth, the Pentagram would be complete and the gates of Hell would rush open, and mankind would be trampled under the cloven feet of a million demons. Suffice to say, after toying with the idea for awhile, I decided against getting the fifth and final album, and I thought that was why the world had continued. Enya came out with a sixth album and the world was safe once more. But I had it all wrong.
It's not Enya who'll bring about the end of the world. It's celebrity brand perfume. They're everywhere. The first sign of the apocalypse came from Elizabeth Taylor. It seemed benevolent enough, as these things always do at first. What else was she up to now that she had decided to stop divorcing and stop acting? Launch a perfume line, duh. So she had this series of commercials that involved her, sweaty men, her earrings, and they made absolutely no sense at all. (You remember White Diamonds, Rubies, Emeralds, and Semi-Precious Stone, right? You remember four smelly cowboys playing poker? And then, Elizabeth Taylor just showing up tossing her earrings on the table, and suddenly thinking "I bet that smells super. I gots to get me some of that!" Yeah, that was the beginning of the end.) Michael Jordan had one too.
Perfume itself is a fascinating convention of society, that went from a necessary evil to hide the not so pleasant smell of body odours, and eventually became a very expensive way for a man to tell a woman that she smells pretty frou frou. Oh sure, there's cologne now, so men can tell other men they smell pretty frou frou too. Let's not have anyone left out. If it weren't pervasive, it wouldn't be a plague on our modern day Egypt, pushing unwelcome hindrances to our daily olfactory lives.
So the next plague came from J. Lo with Glow. Has anyone smelt glow? Do people know that glow is a nickname for a drug in certain circles? Wait, I'm getting too far ahead of myself. Who on earth said to themselves: we've got a scent, and the only way we can sell it is with Jennifer Lopez? I mean, she's pretty, sure, but I can't remember a moment of thinking that if only I could spend 40.00 on a testtube bottle with fake bling, my life would be complete. What have we really learned from Jennifer Lopez? We've learned that she has taste in men on par with her taste in movies. And now we want to smell like her?
But now everyone's got one. And I mean everyone. The Olsen Twins have one. Britney Spears has Curious. (Curious about what? Or is that it's ironic draw? That's really clever, Mrs. Spears.) Even Alan Cumming has one coming out. I kid you not. And they all smell the same. They're cloying. They won't come off. And as you pass people, they start curiously sniffing the air, with dread on their faces, because you now smell just like Satan. As soon as the seventh one of these is successful, it really will be hell on earth.
You don't believe me? There are more signs. Here's another omen for you. It's the dawning of a Pink New World.
originally posted by pressedflat on September 22, 2004