Taking Down the Wall
I had somewhat of an epiphany today. I was on my home from getting lunch and I was listening to the radio. This is strange in itself, because recently I haven't been able to stand listening to the radio, and I lacked any desire to do so anyways. But now I felt more like it. When a somewhat sad song came on, I started to cry. I was so pleasantly surprised by this that I started to laugh as well. I was crying and laughing. And that's when it happened.
I finally realized why things have been the way they have the last couple of weeks. I haven't been depressed, and I haven't been able to cry, even when I wanted to. No sadness, but no happiness either. I've had no desire to live at all. I've been apathetic to everything. Life has been empty, pointless. I've had more good moods than before, but they still felt fake; not really satisfying, just distracting. This is what medication does to you [me]. Every time it's the same thing. Eventually I just stop taking them because I stop caring.
Several days ago, I stopped taking my medications. Interestingly enough, I've been thinking less about suicide the last few days. I have even stopped taking the vitamins and supplements I was using to thin my blood (prevent clotting, should I decide to do something). I think I'd rather spend the rest of my life suffering from debilitating depression than to live in a void of emotionless nothing.
I don't know if I'm really in love with my sadness or not. It may just be that I love the feeling of feeling, or maybe I just can't stand the alternative. Whatever it is, I think I'm going to tell my doctor to shove it the next time I see him. This is the second time I've almost been killed by the draining effects of pharmaceuticals, and I'm done playing that game.
I finally realized why things have been the way they have the last couple of weeks. I haven't been depressed, and I haven't been able to cry, even when I wanted to. No sadness, but no happiness either. I've had no desire to live at all. I've been apathetic to everything. Life has been empty, pointless. I've had more good moods than before, but they still felt fake; not really satisfying, just distracting. This is what medication does to you [me]. Every time it's the same thing. Eventually I just stop taking them because I stop caring.
Several days ago, I stopped taking my medications. Interestingly enough, I've been thinking less about suicide the last few days. I have even stopped taking the vitamins and supplements I was using to thin my blood (prevent clotting, should I decide to do something). I think I'd rather spend the rest of my life suffering from debilitating depression than to live in a void of emotionless nothing.
I don't know if I'm really in love with my sadness or not. It may just be that I love the feeling of feeling, or maybe I just can't stand the alternative. Whatever it is, I think I'm going to tell my doctor to shove it the next time I see him. This is the second time I've almost been killed by the draining effects of pharmaceuticals, and I'm done playing that game.