What will I do?
I hate that I have to come here to vent. I hate that I can't express with my voice things like this. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are broken. I used the be the girl who did alright, she could not cry when she didn't want to and could hold her anger but those days are long gone. Now I cry at commercials on TV. I get so mad at the drop of a hat I nearly see red. I get frustrated super easy and when I get bored Lord help me. When did all of this happen? Am I going through some sort of pre-pre-menopause? Am I crazy? Have I repressed something and it's slowly trying to come out any way that it can?
My grandpa is sick. Sick actually doesn't even begin to describe how bad it is. He's been in the ICU for nearing on two weeks. My aunt went to pick up him to go shopping or something and found him acting really weird and then he collapsed. She took him to the hospital where they said he had congestive heart failure and kidney failure. The kidney's weren't that much of a surprise, he's been having problems with those for a while but the heart...Big shocker. The Dr. said that it's probably been going on for a while. That grandpa just didn't tell anyone. Also he's reduced his precription levels himself because he felt he was taking too much. Sheesh. He decided against a kidney transplant and he decided against bypass surgery. I can understand the kidney, that would be a hard hard hard surgery to re-coop from and he would still have to be on dialysis. But the bypass surgery? It would have added at least 15 years to his life the Dr. said 15 years! Instead he has said that "He's lived his life, that he's seen the world, he's done all that he cares to do, and that his wife is waiting on him". To this my heart breaks. I know he's had a long life, he's lived nearly 15 years without Weezie (my grandma) and that it's been hard. We're not an easy family by any stretch of the imagination. But to say he's done everything that he wants to in this life? I guess if I try to look at it from his perspective then yeah he has, he's seen all of his children get married, settle down, have kids. He's even got great grandchildren. All of his grandchildren have settled down with who we're most likely going to marry. What else does he have to live for? Nothing I guess.
Things were looking good though. He was getting released on Monday night when he started acting weird and then collapsed. He had his clothes on and everything, just putting his belt on and was ready to go. It turns out he had two massive strokes. Not that he didn't have enough to worry about and fight but this too?! The strokes are going to be what kill him, I can feel it. He has a do-not-recusitate bracelet so if he goes out, there isn't anyone going to bring him back. I didn't know this until last night. I think until last night I thought that he would pull through this. That he would fight it off like he did the last time something terrible happened to hiim. My grandpa is a fighter. The summer before I was a freshman in HS my grandpa was cutting a tree back and fell into it which normally isn't anything but wood splinters got shot into the back of his throat unknowingly where they festered and became septic. It nearly killed him and nobody could figure out what it was until they opened up his throat. He was in the hospital for over a month with that. Then he had to come live with my family because he couldn't do anything himself. He even had to eat through a tube in his stomach. If he can overcome that, I was thinking, he can overcome anything.......but now I'm not so sure.
Grandpa is the only one in my family that I identify with. On both sides of my family for that matter. He's the only one who seems to get me. The only one who I can carry on a conversation with and not have to explain myself or defend myself. We've been thick as thieves since I was born. I've heard all my life that I was his favorite grandchild and I know he's not supposed to have favorites but sometimes it happens that way. How am I supposed to go on with my life if he's not there. Who will I argue with about Harry Potter, my red hair, the best book I've ever read? Without him in my life I dont know who I am. So with all this being said, he just has to get through this. I can't lose him now. I haven't gotten married yet, I haven't had children, I haven't even moved out of my fucking apartment yet. I wanted him to be so proud of me fo everything I was going to accomplish. I was going to write a book and dedicate it to him for making me interested in books as much as he has been his whole life. I don't know if I'll be able to define all of these lifes steps as accomplishments if he's not there to say "good job scooter, I knew you could do it".
What am I going to do?
My grandpa is sick. Sick actually doesn't even begin to describe how bad it is. He's been in the ICU for nearing on two weeks. My aunt went to pick up him to go shopping or something and found him acting really weird and then he collapsed. She took him to the hospital where they said he had congestive heart failure and kidney failure. The kidney's weren't that much of a surprise, he's been having problems with those for a while but the heart...Big shocker. The Dr. said that it's probably been going on for a while. That grandpa just didn't tell anyone. Also he's reduced his precription levels himself because he felt he was taking too much. Sheesh. He decided against a kidney transplant and he decided against bypass surgery. I can understand the kidney, that would be a hard hard hard surgery to re-coop from and he would still have to be on dialysis. But the bypass surgery? It would have added at least 15 years to his life the Dr. said 15 years! Instead he has said that "He's lived his life, that he's seen the world, he's done all that he cares to do, and that his wife is waiting on him". To this my heart breaks. I know he's had a long life, he's lived nearly 15 years without Weezie (my grandma) and that it's been hard. We're not an easy family by any stretch of the imagination. But to say he's done everything that he wants to in this life? I guess if I try to look at it from his perspective then yeah he has, he's seen all of his children get married, settle down, have kids. He's even got great grandchildren. All of his grandchildren have settled down with who we're most likely going to marry. What else does he have to live for? Nothing I guess.
Things were looking good though. He was getting released on Monday night when he started acting weird and then collapsed. He had his clothes on and everything, just putting his belt on and was ready to go. It turns out he had two massive strokes. Not that he didn't have enough to worry about and fight but this too?! The strokes are going to be what kill him, I can feel it. He has a do-not-recusitate bracelet so if he goes out, there isn't anyone going to bring him back. I didn't know this until last night. I think until last night I thought that he would pull through this. That he would fight it off like he did the last time something terrible happened to hiim. My grandpa is a fighter. The summer before I was a freshman in HS my grandpa was cutting a tree back and fell into it which normally isn't anything but wood splinters got shot into the back of his throat unknowingly where they festered and became septic. It nearly killed him and nobody could figure out what it was until they opened up his throat. He was in the hospital for over a month with that. Then he had to come live with my family because he couldn't do anything himself. He even had to eat through a tube in his stomach. If he can overcome that, I was thinking, he can overcome anything.......but now I'm not so sure.
Grandpa is the only one in my family that I identify with. On both sides of my family for that matter. He's the only one who seems to get me. The only one who I can carry on a conversation with and not have to explain myself or defend myself. We've been thick as thieves since I was born. I've heard all my life that I was his favorite grandchild and I know he's not supposed to have favorites but sometimes it happens that way. How am I supposed to go on with my life if he's not there. Who will I argue with about Harry Potter, my red hair, the best book I've ever read? Without him in my life I dont know who I am. So with all this being said, he just has to get through this. I can't lose him now. I haven't gotten married yet, I haven't had children, I haven't even moved out of my fucking apartment yet. I wanted him to be so proud of me fo everything I was going to accomplish. I was going to write a book and dedicate it to him for making me interested in books as much as he has been his whole life. I don't know if I'll be able to define all of these lifes steps as accomplishments if he's not there to say "good job scooter, I knew you could do it".
What am I going to do?