(no subject)
You Are 76% California
You're so Californian, you belong in Hollyweird.
How California Are You?
Everyone has headshots here. I know *dogss* who have headshots. Just that Californian lifestyle, man. :p Although it's not looking very California at the moment. It's raining and cold and people drive like assholes (wait..the last one always happens. Nevermind.)
Once again, I apologize for my absence over the past week. There's been a lot of family issues to deal with for my grandfather's funeral, which was earlier today. First thought I had when I woke up and noticed the rain: What a sterotypical day for a funeral.
The funeral was...well, a funeral. Everyone in black/gray outfits, stretches of silence, bouts of laughter, wet eyes and sniffles and beautiful flowers. I really wasn't expecting myself to cry (no sobs but constantly wiping tears away). I don't consider mysef to be stoic but I know how to keep my emotions in check. Or, at least, I thought I did.
People in my family tend to live for a loooong time, so this is the first family death since 1992, when my grandma died. I was only about 9, so my memory is a bit fuzzy but I do know that her death was the catalyst that divided my father's side of the family (that's a whole long story I don't need to get into right now). But sitting in that front row, the casket no more that 3 feet in front of you and , even though it's a closed casket service, you know that someone you love and will never see again (in the physical form) is in there.
Somber would be the word I chose to describe it but, like I said, it had moments of lightness and laughter. And I got to see my sisters again. I don't think I've mentioned it but I have to sister's from my dad's first marriage: April and Arleisha (all his girls have names that begin with 'A') and I saw my niece, which was cool but I totally forget that I'm an Auntie but I'm kinda not 'cause she's only like, 4 years younger than me.
On a different subject, I was at work yesterday in the breakroom, eating my rainbow Sushi (thanks, revid ;)) when the Assistant Manager walks in. He sits across from me and we're talking for a moment, you know...that kinda vague 'how are you?' chat-chitting when he goes, out of nowhere, "Are you depressed?" I just stare at him blankly for a few seconds then stutter "What? No. I'm not--no. Do I look depressed?" and he goes "Yeah. You do. What's wrong?"
Well, fuck.
So we spend nearly my whole hour-long lunch talking and we somehow made it onto the subject of guys/relationships/dating and, after I said something, he made the comment "Well..you're an attractive woman. I bet you gotta beat guys away from you," and I fully rejected that entire statement and mentioned how I view every guy as a potential friend and rarely with a "Wow..that guy could be a nice fit to me" and when do think of a guy as something more, it just gets bad. I told him I'm completely oblivious if any guy tries to hit on me and he goes "So you don't think you're attractive?" and I shook my head and said there's so many things I don't like about myself. He said, "Why not? Tell me what you don't like about yourself?" And I sat in silence. Then he says, "You're in your prime. Plus I always felt that black women had an air of sensuality and beauty to them that other women are missing."
So, I'm just sitting there with my neglected sushi, chopsticks dangling from my fingers and a fear stricken look to my face. Then I told him how I don't like my height. I always wanted to be petite. That I don't like my weight. I'm not huge, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little smaller. Then I couldn't think of anything else to say.
He was getting ready to say something back when Brandon, someone who works in the pharmacy with me, came in and broke the vibe we had going. About 5 minutes of conversation with the 3 of us, Kenny (assistant mangaer) excused himself and left.
Now I'm thinking, "Oh God. Was he flirting with me? Why was he asking me all those questions and why did I willingly answer everything?" And I find myself replaying our convo and I wonder if he was dropping hints or just being a good guy who wanted to know more about me. I told him how I wanted to move to San Francisco and about my last relationship. He probably knows my life story now. It makes me wonder how tomorrow is going to unfold, if he's working that day.
So...yeah. That's just a couple of things on my mind. I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg because I have so much I need to let go of. Hopefully I'll be able to do so over the weekend.
Take care. I miss you all! Sorry I miised out on Billie's b-day but I did read a few of the posts you all made and, yeah...we're the best fans ever. :p
You're so Californian, you belong in Hollyweird.
How California Are You?
Everyone has headshots here. I know *dogss* who have headshots. Just that Californian lifestyle, man. :p Although it's not looking very California at the moment. It's raining and cold and people drive like assholes (wait..the last one always happens. Nevermind.)
Once again, I apologize for my absence over the past week. There's been a lot of family issues to deal with for my grandfather's funeral, which was earlier today. First thought I had when I woke up and noticed the rain: What a sterotypical day for a funeral.
The funeral was...well, a funeral. Everyone in black/gray outfits, stretches of silence, bouts of laughter, wet eyes and sniffles and beautiful flowers. I really wasn't expecting myself to cry (no sobs but constantly wiping tears away). I don't consider mysef to be stoic but I know how to keep my emotions in check. Or, at least, I thought I did.
People in my family tend to live for a loooong time, so this is the first family death since 1992, when my grandma died. I was only about 9, so my memory is a bit fuzzy but I do know that her death was the catalyst that divided my father's side of the family (that's a whole long story I don't need to get into right now). But sitting in that front row, the casket no more that 3 feet in front of you and , even though it's a closed casket service, you know that someone you love and will never see again (in the physical form) is in there.
Somber would be the word I chose to describe it but, like I said, it had moments of lightness and laughter. And I got to see my sisters again. I don't think I've mentioned it but I have to sister's from my dad's first marriage: April and Arleisha (all his girls have names that begin with 'A') and I saw my niece, which was cool but I totally forget that I'm an Auntie but I'm kinda not 'cause she's only like, 4 years younger than me.
On a different subject, I was at work yesterday in the breakroom, eating my rainbow Sushi (thanks, revid ;)) when the Assistant Manager walks in. He sits across from me and we're talking for a moment, you know...that kinda vague 'how are you?' chat-chitting when he goes, out of nowhere, "Are you depressed?" I just stare at him blankly for a few seconds then stutter "What? No. I'm not--no. Do I look depressed?" and he goes "Yeah. You do. What's wrong?"
Well, fuck.
So we spend nearly my whole hour-long lunch talking and we somehow made it onto the subject of guys/relationships/dating and, after I said something, he made the comment "Well..you're an attractive woman. I bet you gotta beat guys away from you," and I fully rejected that entire statement and mentioned how I view every guy as a potential friend and rarely with a "Wow..that guy could be a nice fit to me" and when do think of a guy as something more, it just gets bad. I told him I'm completely oblivious if any guy tries to hit on me and he goes "So you don't think you're attractive?" and I shook my head and said there's so many things I don't like about myself. He said, "Why not? Tell me what you don't like about yourself?" And I sat in silence. Then he says, "You're in your prime. Plus I always felt that black women had an air of sensuality and beauty to them that other women are missing."
So, I'm just sitting there with my neglected sushi, chopsticks dangling from my fingers and a fear stricken look to my face. Then I told him how I don't like my height. I always wanted to be petite. That I don't like my weight. I'm not huge, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little smaller. Then I couldn't think of anything else to say.
He was getting ready to say something back when Brandon, someone who works in the pharmacy with me, came in and broke the vibe we had going. About 5 minutes of conversation with the 3 of us, Kenny (assistant mangaer) excused himself and left.
Now I'm thinking, "Oh God. Was he flirting with me? Why was he asking me all those questions and why did I willingly answer everything?" And I find myself replaying our convo and I wonder if he was dropping hints or just being a good guy who wanted to know more about me. I told him how I wanted to move to San Francisco and about my last relationship. He probably knows my life story now. It makes me wonder how tomorrow is going to unfold, if he's working that day.
So...yeah. That's just a couple of things on my mind. I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg because I have so much I need to let go of. Hopefully I'll be able to do so over the weekend.
Take care. I miss you all! Sorry I miised out on Billie's b-day but I did read a few of the posts you all made and, yeah...we're the best fans ever. :p