Tweaking Out....
now really, do i need 2 cancer scares in 1 year, this one not even brought on by a symptom I noticed?!
got a call this afternoon from my OB's office that my PAP came back abornmal - "cervical dysplasia". now i know its a really common thing, but i can't help but tweek out for a bunch of reasons. the first being that she scheduled me for an appointment for a colposcopy for monday. MONDAY. as in 4 days away. everything i've read in all my diagnostic books say that you only schedule a colposcopy immediately if its moderate to severe dysplasia, severe being carcinoma-in-situ (cancer just hanging around the cervix). sceond, i booked with a guy doc because he was availble for 8am monday morning. when i talked to my mom, its no wonder he was availible, its his first day, and she doesn't know if he's right out of med school or not!! after having this i can't have sex for a week, so much for me and jay's anniversary celebration next weekend. the other thing is, looking over some stuff, i have a few of the sxns of cervical cancer, that i've been writing off to the shot. now, the more and more information i read on it, the more information that was on my lab sheet that i can't get ahold of...such as the level of severity and types of abnormal cells they saw - something i kinda want to know, so i can go in expecting "oh its just an infection/irritation" or if i should be preping myself for dealing with PA school and cervical cancer.
Colposcopy for those of you who don't know is basically an OB-Gynie exam with a maginifying class light where they take pinchers and biopsy parts of your cervix after they douse it with vinegar to clean it up or make abnormal cells stick out.
all this on top of a friday.
as if next week wasn't going to be awful enough the way its scheduled, now i won't be able to take the jones test on monday, so instead of having a couple of nights to study for my neuro exam ill only have like 2 ish. and to pack to go up to maine for easter and the like.
i know i'm not a religious person anymore, for whatever the reason. and i know that i'm not even a good person, but i am begging you, god, please let me be a-ok and have nothing to worry about....please.
i'm so scared. i feel so alone. i can't talk to my mom about it because i know she'll worry, with Uncle Bill, Poppy and the rest of the family things. Dad too, he'll do research about a colposcopy and just see the same thing i did: cancer cancer cancer. i'm completely by myself again this weekend, and all i need is to be able to curl up with jay and cry. he makes me feel safe. right now i feel anything but. i feel completely suceptible to whatever God has to throw at me. i can't be alone right now, i just can't take it...and yet i still don't have a choice....
got a call this afternoon from my OB's office that my PAP came back abornmal - "cervical dysplasia". now i know its a really common thing, but i can't help but tweek out for a bunch of reasons. the first being that she scheduled me for an appointment for a colposcopy for monday. MONDAY. as in 4 days away. everything i've read in all my diagnostic books say that you only schedule a colposcopy immediately if its moderate to severe dysplasia, severe being carcinoma-in-situ (cancer just hanging around the cervix). sceond, i booked with a guy doc because he was availble for 8am monday morning. when i talked to my mom, its no wonder he was availible, its his first day, and she doesn't know if he's right out of med school or not!! after having this i can't have sex for a week, so much for me and jay's anniversary celebration next weekend. the other thing is, looking over some stuff, i have a few of the sxns of cervical cancer, that i've been writing off to the shot. now, the more and more information i read on it, the more information that was on my lab sheet that i can't get ahold of...such as the level of severity and types of abnormal cells they saw - something i kinda want to know, so i can go in expecting "oh its just an infection/irritation" or if i should be preping myself for dealing with PA school and cervical cancer.
Colposcopy for those of you who don't know is basically an OB-Gynie exam with a maginifying class light where they take pinchers and biopsy parts of your cervix after they douse it with vinegar to clean it up or make abnormal cells stick out.
all this on top of a friday.
as if next week wasn't going to be awful enough the way its scheduled, now i won't be able to take the jones test on monday, so instead of having a couple of nights to study for my neuro exam ill only have like 2 ish. and to pack to go up to maine for easter and the like.
i know i'm not a religious person anymore, for whatever the reason. and i know that i'm not even a good person, but i am begging you, god, please let me be a-ok and have nothing to worry about....please.
i'm so scared. i feel so alone. i can't talk to my mom about it because i know she'll worry, with Uncle Bill, Poppy and the rest of the family things. Dad too, he'll do research about a colposcopy and just see the same thing i did: cancer cancer cancer. i'm completely by myself again this weekend, and all i need is to be able to curl up with jay and cry. he makes me feel safe. right now i feel anything but. i feel completely suceptible to whatever God has to throw at me. i can't be alone right now, i just can't take it...and yet i still don't have a choice....