....
i really wish i had someone i could fall in love with... but sadly i dont......
In so many ways, i'm glad im not in love.... i have seen so much heartbreak and pain with the love lives of my friends (and former friends) that i'm really not sure i can do that.... blah.... fuck it...
I miss the Ren. faire... and i know that in almost every entry i say that, but it's so true... life is so much better when u r forced to like people because u work with them... when it's all over, all you have left is the truth.... that people fucking suck... and that regardless of how hard you try to help, and try to care.... u get fucked over.... i just dont want to hurt anymore.....
i know i hate to hear this on other people's live journals.... but i've been thinking about cutting again.. i hope that i wont start it again... but it might happen... just as long as i stay on my meds... and keep focused on doing my job, and trying to be a good friend and a good person... i should be okay.... god thats sick..... just thinking about all this makes me want to throw up.... "it's the dying in another's arms and why i had to try it"
i miss not having hardly any free time.... i wake up... go to school, go to work, and eventually eat.... sometimes i wish that i could just starve myself to death... because im tired of looking at myself... i wish that my skin would just fall off.... i wouldnt say i hate myself, and i wouldnt say that i think im ugly... i just cant stand me.... i cant stand who i've let myself become... it's the sickness that i call my mind......
somedays i really like myself... some days i think that i'm an amazing person... but those days (like today) where i see myself as shit, it blocks out all those good days.... i miss being a child.... i use to be so happy... true i was in therapy as a child, but it was so much easier....
maybe i should start seeing my therapist again... but when i'm there, i feel like i have to deny my problems... like he is attacking me... like i have to fight for my feelings... i hate the feeling that they give me... that i am just a statistic... you know, the mentally ill population of america.... well fuck you.... i live with my problem on a day to day basis....
just incase you didnt know..... i have ocd, social anxiety, and mild bipolar...... fuck it.....
"i always catch the clock... it's 11:11. and now you wanna talk"....
Do you think i'm sick? Or is it just me? Did i push you away? Or did you run?
"you spin around me like a dream"
i hate being the funny girl.... thats all i'm seen as.... my humor is a way for me to escape my pain... did you know that? of course not.... I hate being funny... if i could change anything about myself, it would be that.... i never want anyone to laugh at my actions again....
I miss all of my boys... and i hate myself for letting the "good ones" pass me by.... i have a problem with making steps towards possible love interests.... maybe it's my social anxiety.... or maybe it's me..... i dont know.... i just want it to stop... i want it all to stop...
"but damnit your so young, but i dont think i care... and if i hurt you... than i'm sorry... please dont think that this was easy"
I am in love with the idea of love.... i just dont want all the shit that comes with it........