Good Random

[sibyline]

Pindeldyboz, my favorite online literary journal, has just agreed to publish a slightly revised version of this story I posted a few weeks ago, which I thankfully protected so I haven't officially "published" it yet

Comments

[toddius]

congratulations.

There should be more description of ice-cream eating in the story, though. Just my two cents.

[sibyline]

well, it's tough. i'm usually a long sentence/detail kind of person, but i was experimenting with a more dorothy parker kind of voice. so any long descriptions would upset the balance of the story. i agree with you that there was something missing in this version. in the new version, all i did was say "dark chocolate" ice cream instead of just chocolate, as the most minimalist marker of sensuousness i could add while keeping to the spirit of the story.

also, i needed to keep the last line! more description of ice cream eating would have meant adding to the story, which would have prevented that.

oh the tribulations of fiction....

[sibyline]

oh and thanks!

[toddius]

Hah - i was just kidding about the ice cream stuff. that's my idea of some sort of smart ass joke. And I like pictures and descriptions of people eating ice cream.

[toddius]

in other words, it wasn't serious criticism, at all.

[sibyline]

and here i was being all thoughtful and shit. you should continue to make smartass comments. be aware though that i grew up in a culture that has no irony, so if i haven't taken my pills that day, things usually go over my head.

Re: I like!~

[sibyline]

yeah, you'll find as i post more of my writing that i'm usually a very lush detail kind of person. but this story is intentionally spare. though i think you're right, it would be nice to taste the chocolate and have its texture somehow evoke the man who left. but alas, i couldn't figure out how to do that without adding to the last line, which i think is vital. and thanks!

do you have that piece about 9/11 somewhere?