All my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity.
It’s amazing just how much a person can change in so little time. I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was a month ago. At all. It’s weird. I just spent a week in California and an entire month in England. I felt so at home in London. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but it just felt like I NEEDED to be there. I’ve been home for less than a week, yet it feels like an eternity. I got back into Houston and it seriously felt like I was having culture shock in my own hometown. I don’t know or understand how that’s possible, but it honestly feels that way. This doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s just where I have to be for the time being.
I had wanted to go to England so badly for so long, that I was severely worried that I’d be disappointed by it. I figured I had built it up in my head so much that it wouldn’t be anything like I expected. But it was. It was exactly what I thought it would be. And I loved every second of it. Minus that whole not having a car bit. :) Public transportation is nice to have access to in case you want to use it, but having to rely solely on it is not my cup of tea… not that I ever really thought it would be…
Spending a month with James was awesome too. It was nice to have that constant companionship. I haven’t had it in over 2 years. And it was such a huge part of my life for so so long… I mean that’s the person I’ve always been. I’ve always had a serious relationship. This year has been insane. I’ve grown in so many ways. It’s like the words that I used to describe myself with are not me anymore. I used to always say that my worst qualities were that I was shy, too needy, too clingy, and overly dependent, that I always needed someone around. But I’m none of those things. I think I’ve found myself. I can be happy by myself. I don’t need a boyfriend to make me feel complete, or content.
I think that was one of the biggest things that London made me realize. I didn’t miss the people and things that I thought I would anywhere near as much as I expected. It may sound bad, but I thought I would go nuts without my cats and my parents and my friends. But I didn’t. I mean it’s been great seeing everyone after being gone for a while, but I was ok without all of it. I don’t need it. I can find other things to fulfill me, and with all of the modern technology it’s so easy to still talk and communicate with everyone, even if you’re thousands of miles apart. It was just so great being somewhere else. As James said, “Being somewhere that you’re not from. Being the immigrant for once.” It was refreshing. And interesting. And I love the English. Something about them.
Part of me feels like I’m completely ready to settle down. Get married. Make babies. The whole lot. But part of me feels like there’s still so much to do! And the term “settling down” kind of scares me. I don’t want to settle. I refuse to settle. I don’t want to end up in a relationship that I’m not 100% happy in. I don’t want to go through another break up. I’m glad I went through all of the shit that I went through with Pete, because as difficult and horrible as it all was, and as much as I think it is still messing with my head, it forced me to grow in ways that I never would have otherwise. In ways that I needed to grow. I needed to find my independence. But now it feels like it’s irreversible. Like I’ve become overly independent. And scared of commitment. I try to tell myself that I’m not afraid of getting hurt, and act like it’s not a big deal, but in the back of my mind it’s always there. I watched the movie “The Last Kiss” while I was in London. The movie was so real to me. The arguments were totally like everything I experienced with Pete. While it’s refreshing to see it recreated so well, I almost hate seeing it because I can still so freshly remember what it felt like to have those arguments. How you get so angry that you can’t breathe. And you feel completely lost. And the hurtful things you say to each other in the heat of the moment. It’s awful. I don’t want to feel that way again. Nothing’s worth feeling that way.
I dunno. It’s like half of me is totally happy, but the other half is totally miserable. I feel empty all of the time. Like something is missing from my life. I didn’t feel that in London. I felt truly content for the first time in a very long time. And it’s seeming to be very difficult to deal with losing that feeling. Again.
I had wanted to go to England so badly for so long, that I was severely worried that I’d be disappointed by it. I figured I had built it up in my head so much that it wouldn’t be anything like I expected. But it was. It was exactly what I thought it would be. And I loved every second of it. Minus that whole not having a car bit. :) Public transportation is nice to have access to in case you want to use it, but having to rely solely on it is not my cup of tea… not that I ever really thought it would be…
Spending a month with James was awesome too. It was nice to have that constant companionship. I haven’t had it in over 2 years. And it was such a huge part of my life for so so long… I mean that’s the person I’ve always been. I’ve always had a serious relationship. This year has been insane. I’ve grown in so many ways. It’s like the words that I used to describe myself with are not me anymore. I used to always say that my worst qualities were that I was shy, too needy, too clingy, and overly dependent, that I always needed someone around. But I’m none of those things. I think I’ve found myself. I can be happy by myself. I don’t need a boyfriend to make me feel complete, or content.
I think that was one of the biggest things that London made me realize. I didn’t miss the people and things that I thought I would anywhere near as much as I expected. It may sound bad, but I thought I would go nuts without my cats and my parents and my friends. But I didn’t. I mean it’s been great seeing everyone after being gone for a while, but I was ok without all of it. I don’t need it. I can find other things to fulfill me, and with all of the modern technology it’s so easy to still talk and communicate with everyone, even if you’re thousands of miles apart. It was just so great being somewhere else. As James said, “Being somewhere that you’re not from. Being the immigrant for once.” It was refreshing. And interesting. And I love the English. Something about them.
Part of me feels like I’m completely ready to settle down. Get married. Make babies. The whole lot. But part of me feels like there’s still so much to do! And the term “settling down” kind of scares me. I don’t want to settle. I refuse to settle. I don’t want to end up in a relationship that I’m not 100% happy in. I don’t want to go through another break up. I’m glad I went through all of the shit that I went through with Pete, because as difficult and horrible as it all was, and as much as I think it is still messing with my head, it forced me to grow in ways that I never would have otherwise. In ways that I needed to grow. I needed to find my independence. But now it feels like it’s irreversible. Like I’ve become overly independent. And scared of commitment. I try to tell myself that I’m not afraid of getting hurt, and act like it’s not a big deal, but in the back of my mind it’s always there. I watched the movie “The Last Kiss” while I was in London. The movie was so real to me. The arguments were totally like everything I experienced with Pete. While it’s refreshing to see it recreated so well, I almost hate seeing it because I can still so freshly remember what it felt like to have those arguments. How you get so angry that you can’t breathe. And you feel completely lost. And the hurtful things you say to each other in the heat of the moment. It’s awful. I don’t want to feel that way again. Nothing’s worth feeling that way.
I dunno. It’s like half of me is totally happy, but the other half is totally miserable. I feel empty all of the time. Like something is missing from my life. I didn’t feel that in London. I felt truly content for the first time in a very long time. And it’s seeming to be very difficult to deal with losing that feeling. Again.