and there's nothing that you can do about it now

Jan 28, 2016 22:37

someone remind me to write about how melanie's spirit is alive and well and how i met said spirit through her doppleganger during her recent hospital stay secondary to bacterial pneumonia. gosh, i miss melanie more than i ever did when she was alive. its strange how death does that to a person's memory. what hurts so much about all that is that her absence has forced me to realize that there are aspects to life that absolutely nothing can be done in any kind of way to appease any sort of pain. case in point: melanie passed away last year; there is nothing i can do to comfort or change that.

also i should mention that i failed her in the last two weeks of her life. it was during finals and i really had no idea how terminal her diagnosis was. i visited her once and then there was noone to vist after that. the last time i saw her, wasting away in her bed, she was so brave and was so full of questions of how i was doing. i was shocked to silence with how skinny and wasted away she was. i had no idea i would never ever see her again. its been a year now and i really fucking miss her. and i am so sorry i turned out to be such an absent friend when it turned out she needed me most .

for what its worth, there are some days in the hospital that i actually feel like i can do this. that i am in an element that is mine. and that i was made for these situations. to meet people on the verge of destabalization and to gently bring them over to our side of life, love, and the universe. i really felt like a true change agent with melanie's doppleganger as i explained why she was in the respiratory state she was in and how her lack of diabetic managment may have possibly led to her current state. i hit her hard with the whole history of smoking and the lack of blood sugar checks.

i dreamed that patrick broke up with me again, this time on a muni bus and i couldnt wait to get off the bus to get away from him. unfortunately the dream ended with me never actually able to get off and contemplating jumping from a moving vehicle.
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