the clown in the backyard
ive often wondered that if my drinking is driven by a subconscious attempt to shut off my dreams. the more sober i am the more wild they get. the worlds in my mind can be twisted and full of fear. or simply just twisted. take last night for instance.
the first dream was quite memorable and when i woke i quickly wrote as many bullet points down as i could before i had to run off and start the day. ive been thinking about it all day and here it is. the first scene started off with two little boys, brothers. faceless, nameless, their distinguishing qualities are simply younger brother and older brother. the older brother is strangling the younger with his bare hands for the second time. its serious and the younger boy is at the point of suffocation and nearly dies before someone intervenes and they separate. i feel like it was me, the dreamer, that intervened but im not sure. i have no place in their world, i am just watching from a strange understanding perspective. i feel their emotions, i sense their beings, i know who they are, i am familiar with their world and i have the see-all vantage point. the younger brother is recovering, catching his breath. the older brother was trying to get some information out of the younger brother but he wont tell him, even at the brink of death. its something very, very important.
the scene flashes to the older brother discovering the younger brother sneaking into a secret place in their back yard. an alternate reality. a place that shouldnt be there but is. the emotions, feelings and colors before this scene when the brother enters and in the prior one are normal, nothing noticeably wrong. im not sure how the secret place is hidden from everyone else or how the brothers enter but the older brother goes there when the younger is away. inside is a very magical place and initially very bright, happy colors and emotions. its a lure but its not obvious and not noticeable at first. it becomes that though. inside this place is a pond and there are several puzzles to solve. fun and attractive ones. the older brother is ecstatic and begins solving one that involves placing and holding two items in two places that are far away from each other and one item is just outside of reach. at the point that the older brother realizes that he needs help a clown appears from the pond. its not weird that the clown lives in the pond and he steps out and gives the brother conditional help. the clown appears to be a normal, happy clown but there is an air of malice surrounding him. nothing thats pin-pointable but certainly a darkness in his aura. this is ignored by the older brother and the younger one for that matter because of the secretiveness of the secret place, the attractiveness of the puzzles and the clown himself. the clown is exceptionally manipulative and this place is his place, built to attract and steal innocence. the clown helps the older brother solve the puzzle and the brother is now in his debt.
the scenes continue to flash through different stages of the brothers' lives as grow up and as they continue to visit the secret place in their backyard. each time making themselves more and more indebted to the clown. each time they return they must do something for him. the boys are changing, the outward appearance of the boys are different, almost spent. tired. their aura is darkness. the clown imparts dark loneliness on them each visit. the life is being drained from them and they are unaware. through all of this though the younger brother has gained a future insight, a foretelling that the clown is unaware of. the boy is taking something from the clown too. something important. the scene flashes from adolescents to teenagers and its become more clear that there is something wrong with them. they are becoming evil. the time as come for them to repay some of their debt to the clown and he requires them to do something that they comply with. they kill their parents.
the scene flashes to them as adults, working dead end jobs. no goals. no hope. no happiness. they still visit the place. they live together. their home is a dump. their world is dark, depressing. they only have each other. the place they visit. the clown. the younger brother, now a man in his twenties, shabby hair, unclean and unkept smoking a cigarette in his bed, clad in only his boxers and his dick is lazily hanging out. they are arguing heavily. the hatred is seething. the argument is about how dead they are and how they have nothing but each other and how each other is not enough. the older brother sarcastically in the argument states that they might as well be sleeping in the same bed and fucking since they have nothing else in life.
the scene shifts and the younger brother is giving a warning to the other brother. he has seen something with the foresight he has taken from the clown. something that has to do with the next puzzle the older brother is going to play. he tells the brother that the game is rigged and its going to come up doubles, the dice or cards or whatever. he tells the brother when it does come up doubles, its against the rules. to tell the clown he wont accept the terms.
the scene shifts. the older brother is strangling the younger brother for the third time. this is the terms of the rigged game he played with the clown. he had accepted the terms of the rigged game and the terms of losing. the older brother kills the younger brother. i am the younger brother. the dreams ends.
i died a second time that night. i had a premonition that there was going to be a brother who lost his brother. that some little boy was going to die and i was explaining it to my brother. scene shifts to my father and several of my siblings fleeing in a car. driving fast through a city. i couldnt understand the situation. i had discovered a kink in my father's excuse for fleeing. it didnt make sense, if we were fleeing, why had he packed a suitcase. it doesnt make sense now but at the time it was a key to whatever was wrong with the dream. it represented the point in which the dream didnt make sense. before i could analyze it further, we had arrived at a cliff. my father convinced me to jump off. we all had parachutes and as i am falling my father tells me to pull my chute. my first attempt fails, the chord is just too hard to pull and im only gaining inches at a time. hes yelling at me, to pull harder and im getting the chord out more and more but its becoming clear that i am getting too close to the ground. the chord finally gives way at my extraneous effort and the chute opens to a buncha strings but no parachute. my father tricked me to jump off the cliff with no chute. i tell him to tell my brother goodbye, that he was the one all along that was going to lose his brother. i hit the ground. the dream continues and i do not wake. everything seems to go one without me.
the first dream was quite memorable and when i woke i quickly wrote as many bullet points down as i could before i had to run off and start the day. ive been thinking about it all day and here it is. the first scene started off with two little boys, brothers. faceless, nameless, their distinguishing qualities are simply younger brother and older brother. the older brother is strangling the younger with his bare hands for the second time. its serious and the younger boy is at the point of suffocation and nearly dies before someone intervenes and they separate. i feel like it was me, the dreamer, that intervened but im not sure. i have no place in their world, i am just watching from a strange understanding perspective. i feel their emotions, i sense their beings, i know who they are, i am familiar with their world and i have the see-all vantage point. the younger brother is recovering, catching his breath. the older brother was trying to get some information out of the younger brother but he wont tell him, even at the brink of death. its something very, very important.
the scene flashes to the older brother discovering the younger brother sneaking into a secret place in their back yard. an alternate reality. a place that shouldnt be there but is. the emotions, feelings and colors before this scene when the brother enters and in the prior one are normal, nothing noticeably wrong. im not sure how the secret place is hidden from everyone else or how the brothers enter but the older brother goes there when the younger is away. inside is a very magical place and initially very bright, happy colors and emotions. its a lure but its not obvious and not noticeable at first. it becomes that though. inside this place is a pond and there are several puzzles to solve. fun and attractive ones. the older brother is ecstatic and begins solving one that involves placing and holding two items in two places that are far away from each other and one item is just outside of reach. at the point that the older brother realizes that he needs help a clown appears from the pond. its not weird that the clown lives in the pond and he steps out and gives the brother conditional help. the clown appears to be a normal, happy clown but there is an air of malice surrounding him. nothing thats pin-pointable but certainly a darkness in his aura. this is ignored by the older brother and the younger one for that matter because of the secretiveness of the secret place, the attractiveness of the puzzles and the clown himself. the clown is exceptionally manipulative and this place is his place, built to attract and steal innocence. the clown helps the older brother solve the puzzle and the brother is now in his debt.
the scenes continue to flash through different stages of the brothers' lives as grow up and as they continue to visit the secret place in their backyard. each time making themselves more and more indebted to the clown. each time they return they must do something for him. the boys are changing, the outward appearance of the boys are different, almost spent. tired. their aura is darkness. the clown imparts dark loneliness on them each visit. the life is being drained from them and they are unaware. through all of this though the younger brother has gained a future insight, a foretelling that the clown is unaware of. the boy is taking something from the clown too. something important. the scene flashes from adolescents to teenagers and its become more clear that there is something wrong with them. they are becoming evil. the time as come for them to repay some of their debt to the clown and he requires them to do something that they comply with. they kill their parents.
the scene flashes to them as adults, working dead end jobs. no goals. no hope. no happiness. they still visit the place. they live together. their home is a dump. their world is dark, depressing. they only have each other. the place they visit. the clown. the younger brother, now a man in his twenties, shabby hair, unclean and unkept smoking a cigarette in his bed, clad in only his boxers and his dick is lazily hanging out. they are arguing heavily. the hatred is seething. the argument is about how dead they are and how they have nothing but each other and how each other is not enough. the older brother sarcastically in the argument states that they might as well be sleeping in the same bed and fucking since they have nothing else in life.
the scene shifts and the younger brother is giving a warning to the other brother. he has seen something with the foresight he has taken from the clown. something that has to do with the next puzzle the older brother is going to play. he tells the brother that the game is rigged and its going to come up doubles, the dice or cards or whatever. he tells the brother when it does come up doubles, its against the rules. to tell the clown he wont accept the terms.
the scene shifts. the older brother is strangling the younger brother for the third time. this is the terms of the rigged game he played with the clown. he had accepted the terms of the rigged game and the terms of losing. the older brother kills the younger brother. i am the younger brother. the dreams ends.
i died a second time that night. i had a premonition that there was going to be a brother who lost his brother. that some little boy was going to die and i was explaining it to my brother. scene shifts to my father and several of my siblings fleeing in a car. driving fast through a city. i couldnt understand the situation. i had discovered a kink in my father's excuse for fleeing. it didnt make sense, if we were fleeing, why had he packed a suitcase. it doesnt make sense now but at the time it was a key to whatever was wrong with the dream. it represented the point in which the dream didnt make sense. before i could analyze it further, we had arrived at a cliff. my father convinced me to jump off. we all had parachutes and as i am falling my father tells me to pull my chute. my first attempt fails, the chord is just too hard to pull and im only gaining inches at a time. hes yelling at me, to pull harder and im getting the chord out more and more but its becoming clear that i am getting too close to the ground. the chord finally gives way at my extraneous effort and the chute opens to a buncha strings but no parachute. my father tricked me to jump off the cliff with no chute. i tell him to tell my brother goodbye, that he was the one all along that was going to lose his brother. i hit the ground. the dream continues and i do not wake. everything seems to go one without me.