Up and down
Bleh, today has been a silly day. I slept badly tonight, more like a restless slumber. Got up early to be at work 7:00. Since then I've gone up and down all day. From sickly cheerful to suddenly crying. And I have no idea why. Like, I haven't done anything unusual today, except not playing (Larp monster got a serious whack in the face -> swollen
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I think I have a pretty good idea how you feel about those chairs of yours. Set orienteering instead of horn-playing, and you have me. I've felt that exact feeling. Getting blank or disapproving stares from the orienteerers when talking about roleplaying, and the same from the roleplayers when I talk about orienteering, exercise or nutrition. There was a time when I considered cutting one of them, and only have one chair to sit on.
What I found was... Why do they need to combine? When I'm with the orienteerers, I talk sports. When I'm with the roleplayers, I talk "geek". It's actually refreshing. I don't need them all to understand me. Having both chairs actually ensures that I won't tire of any of them. My friends, on the other hand, gets to see all sides. And even though they may not completely understand, they accept and listen patiently when I rant, regardless of which (if any) camp they originally came from.
You fail horribly at what you do? I beg to differ. You're a good horn player, and a good roleplayer. What you need to decide upon is whether you want to be the best at what you do, or do you want to have fun with what you do? I have tried becoming the best, and learned that becoming the best is a lot of hard work for something you may never achieve. It may be fun to see some progress, but there's a lot of long, hard, grueling work to get there. That part isn't as much fun. And it's absolutely devastating when that tiny glimmer of progress doesn't come. Now, I do both things for fun. And I found that when I just relaxed and enjoy what I did, I become better at it.
Third (I'll be done soon, I promise), the happy-lid may work for a time. As you say, there's a truth down there. And that truth need to be handled. Despite it being uncomfortable, it needs to be handled. Otherwise, it may grow until the happy-lid can't contain it anymore. And a big ball of truth is more difficult to handle than a small one. Fortunately, you don't have to work through it alone if you don't want to. You have friends who're willing to help you out, even if some of us are some distance away.
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The biggest problem with the two groups seems to be that I don't feel at home among either group. I'm not able to split in two and be either this or that when I'm with this or that group. I'm not even sure I want to be like the music-people even though I like them a lot.
I think I've mentioned this for you before, the great perfect person(dream?) that is good at all things she does and never does anything wrong. Silly, but it lives inside my head. I like to be good at what I do, I need it to feel confident, I like to get attention because I'm good at something, and I feel horrible when I do a tiny little fault. I'm fully aware that it takes a lot of work to get good, and I'm seldom willing to do that, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. To be the best isn't really an option in either of my interests, but to do well is always a thing to wish for. And it is fully possible to have fun while working hard, and it is definitly fun to see the progress. And on the list of dissatisfying things; Right now I know I'm damn good at something, but I don't get any attention for it because we have a 1st horn that goes crazy if someone else gets a pat on the shoulder *hurt*
As for the happy-lid... I know I know I know! But knowing it doesn't make it easier to do anything about it.
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