intentional
things are falling apart in such a revelatory way.
this mess of mine is kind of beautiful. i'm not saying that i enjoy hurting either of the two already involved, and i'm certainly weary of risking my heartstrings being stapped by the third so i'm avoiding that until i know a bit more, but i am definitely loving that i feel so alive just now.
i had a 180/200 on my Dorson paper. while not as good as i had hoped for, i'm OK with that.
while he was not what i expected, i'm OK with that too.
and if they don't think i'm good enough, well, i'll become OK with that.
i haven't had to take any real risks in a long time, so to be on unfamiliar ground is giving me a certain zing that only a very few people can really give me.
i love hearing what people secretly think of me. like this morning; i was ironing my hair, and Denise came in to grab the mousse. she asked if i was talking to curtis on the phone last night. i had, and when i admitted that she said that she knew it because my energy shifts completely when i'm around him. i'm weary of being caught up in their expectations again, but i know what they mean-- i've been noticing it lately, too. i don't understand the shift, though... i think it's that he's the new Katie Smith in my life, the person who can profoundly change how my life unfolds... and i think that it's a really good thing. i just don't know exactly how he should be figuring in....
more profound, though, was when Denise noted that my face lights up when i hear Her mentioned. she was right-- i grinned like i haven't in years (except, of course, when she's been mentioned before), not since i was first kissed. it feels like less of a race and more of... oh, i don't know. i don't think i want to, because i really don't think She's interested. and it's kind of beautiful not to have already had that first, though it seems more and more appealing as i think about it (kind of funny how people end up getting their wishes, isn't it?). but once i've dabbled in everything, where will i go for my fix of firsts?
oh, and as a random side note, i'm thinking of trying weed for the first time as a part of my beat poet project (leave it to me to smoke pot for the sake of being a good scholar). kristen would get a kick out of that. john would kill me. curtis would be... amused?. i don't know about the third one... and i'm more than OK with that.
WOWZA, it's fucking GREAT to be alive! to know that i can be broken at any minute is so exhilerating, particularly when i have faith that, in a month or two, i'll be perfectly happy again.
I CAN BOUNCE BACK FROM ANYTHING.
I'M OK.
EVERYTHING IS OK, GREAT, BEAUTIFUL.
namaste!!!
this mess of mine is kind of beautiful. i'm not saying that i enjoy hurting either of the two already involved, and i'm certainly weary of risking my heartstrings being stapped by the third so i'm avoiding that until i know a bit more, but i am definitely loving that i feel so alive just now.
i had a 180/200 on my Dorson paper. while not as good as i had hoped for, i'm OK with that.
while he was not what i expected, i'm OK with that too.
and if they don't think i'm good enough, well, i'll become OK with that.
i haven't had to take any real risks in a long time, so to be on unfamiliar ground is giving me a certain zing that only a very few people can really give me.
i love hearing what people secretly think of me. like this morning; i was ironing my hair, and Denise came in to grab the mousse. she asked if i was talking to curtis on the phone last night. i had, and when i admitted that she said that she knew it because my energy shifts completely when i'm around him. i'm weary of being caught up in their expectations again, but i know what they mean-- i've been noticing it lately, too. i don't understand the shift, though... i think it's that he's the new Katie Smith in my life, the person who can profoundly change how my life unfolds... and i think that it's a really good thing. i just don't know exactly how he should be figuring in....
more profound, though, was when Denise noted that my face lights up when i hear Her mentioned. she was right-- i grinned like i haven't in years (except, of course, when she's been mentioned before), not since i was first kissed. it feels like less of a race and more of... oh, i don't know. i don't think i want to, because i really don't think She's interested. and it's kind of beautiful not to have already had that first, though it seems more and more appealing as i think about it (kind of funny how people end up getting their wishes, isn't it?). but once i've dabbled in everything, where will i go for my fix of firsts?
oh, and as a random side note, i'm thinking of trying weed for the first time as a part of my beat poet project (leave it to me to smoke pot for the sake of being a good scholar). kristen would get a kick out of that. john would kill me. curtis would be... amused?. i don't know about the third one... and i'm more than OK with that.
WOWZA, it's fucking GREAT to be alive! to know that i can be broken at any minute is so exhilerating, particularly when i have faith that, in a month or two, i'll be perfectly happy again.
I CAN BOUNCE BACK FROM ANYTHING.
I'M OK.
EVERYTHING IS OK, GREAT, BEAUTIFUL.
namaste!!!