(no subject)

[shyspy]

blargh. i have spent too much of today worrying. even my most cheerful music is not really helping, even after the crisis have been weathered. I have been talking to my boyfriend, alix. being away from each other for this long seems to be taking a toll on our relations. phones are so unsatisfying, there are so many distractions and interferences. i prefer face to face contact anyday. i had an excellent weekend in some respects, at least i enjoyed myself while i was out and about. however, drinking and smoking pot, wile being enjoyable things of themselves, are often detrimental to higher growth and health. also, they make my boyfriend jealous, to a degree. it is more than that, he is mostly not comfortable with me going out and dancing and enjoying myself without him. to a point, i can see where he is coming from, because i enjoy going out without him, having him with me when i go dancing seems to hold me back in some way. perhaps i sense his disapproval, because i enjoy dancing because it makes me feel beautiful. being admired is something that i take heady pleasure in, deep down in my ego. to be out on the dance floor of a decent club and dancing with comeone who obviously thinks i am beautiful is a trip for me. i maintain distance thourougly, of course, most of these people are so not my type and not even really a consideration. it is not really the people i enjoy when i dance, but the attention. writing this has been a real challenge, because it is showing me just how fuc*ing pathetic i can be. how shallow. and it shows, because alix really dislikes it when i go out. for a while, when we were talking, things got pretty tense, and we talked about whether we would be happier and freer if we were to go our separate ways. then we hung up and thought about it on our own terms for a few hours, during which had the opportunity to talk it out with a friend of mine and think a bit on my own. when i called him back, i asked if he thought it would be worth it for us to keep trying. i agreed wholheartedly when he said yes. i was quite relieved to hear that he would put our love ahead of all the difficulties we have had along the way. the joys have by far outweiged the sorrows.

i am hoping to go and print issue #2 of my zine tonight, i will go and talk to my mom about it right now....

ok, we are going to photocopy my zine. back later

~shy