SAYING GOODBYE
Title: SAYING GOODBYE
Rating: pg
Pairing: Gackt/Kami, Gackt/You
Notes: written in 2005 for Kami's birthday.
Italics denotes flashback
SAYING GOODBYE
Gackt nervously adjusted his glasses as he waited for the door to open. A few seconds later the door swung in, and Kami was standing in front of him smiling. He wore a white t shirt and black jeans, bare feet, his long hair caught at the nape of his neck with a purple ribbon. "Welcome, Gaku. Come in." Gackt bowed slightly, returning the smile.
Kami led him into the living room. "Sit down," he motioned toward the sofa, "I'll go get us some drinks." The tall drummer disappeared into the kitchen as Gackt sat, taking in his surroundings. The room was spacious and cleanly modern, nothing in sight that denoted the image that Kami portrayed in the band.
Suddenly, a ball came bouncing down the hallway and into the living room, followed by peals of laughter, and thumping feet. A little girl came running into the room chasing the ball, followed by a little gray kitten. She stopped short at seeing the stranger sitting on the couch.
"Hello," she said coming up to the tall man. "You're Gackt-san, aren't you," she stated. "I'm Mei." She smiled and Kami's image, which until then was nowhere to be seen in the girl, blossomed on her face. That beautiful smile....
"Yes," he replied, "But you can call me Gaku."
Kami came into the room and set a tray with tall glasses of iced tea on the table. He handed one to Gackt, who took it gratefully, then sat down next to the new vocalist of Malice Mizer.
"That's a funny name," Mei said, wrinkling her nose. "Gackt, Gackto, Gacktu, Gaku, Haku," she singsonged. "Gaku, that's best. Hello, Gaku. Are you in love with my daddy?"
Gackt almost spit out his tea. Was it so obvious that even a three-year-old could see it? He tried not to panic.
"Mei, honey, why don't you take the ball and Hoshi outside to play," Kami said smoothly.
"Ok," and in a whirl of giggles she was gone.
"I'm sorry, Gaku," Kami said. "She just thinks everyone should love her daddy as much as she does."
"Oh," Gackt chuckled, relief flooding through him.
'That had been how long ago?' Gackt wondered as he stood gazing at the grave before him. 'It seems like another lifetime ago, and yet like only yesterday.' Gackt shivered in the cold February mist. "Kami, forgive me."
"What for, Gachan?" Kami asked. He pushed a strand of hair away from the other's eyes.
Gackt turned to him. "For not being with you; for not calling you first, instead of asking everyone else about you; for not giving up my stubborn pride," he said forlornly.
"Gachan, and what could you have done? It was over before anyone knew. I knew you would come. And I knew you would beat yourself up over it, too. Don't, Gachan. I know that you loved me, that you still love me. And I still love you. That will never change."
The two walked slowly through the cemetery. Daffodils were just poking their buds into the cold air, perhaps rethinking their decision to make their appearance and brighten the cold winter weather. Gackt stopped at the shrine, clapped and offered his prayers and incense.
"You know how he is, Gachan. Don't pay him any attention," Kami said, brushing the vocalist's hair back from his face. "He's jealous that you have taken his place in Mana's affections."
" I don't want to take anyone's place. I want to stand on my own; not be someone's pet." Gackt turned from the drummer and threw the music score he was holding across the room.
"I don't think I can do this anymore; I can't corrupt what I believe in. I want the music to grow, to reach across the genre, to be more than just a visual thing. I want it to stand on its own, to touch people's hearts."
They stood on an arched bridge over a small stream. Gackt shivered and pulled his long leather coat closer, trying to keep out the raw chill that was taking over his body. "When I told them that our success was changing them, they-- you-- were angry. You couldn't see the way the money was affecting you. I tried to make you all understand. I didn't want to change the band, just the way they responded to their success."
Kami took his hand. "When you started to write the music along with the lyrics, they thought you wanted to take over. You were always criticizing how they acted towards their fame, towards the fans. They-- we-- couldn't handle that. We didn't need someone else telling us how to live. And I... I couldn't see why it should make any difference. Heh, hindsight is 20/20, ne?"
"Kami, what's the meeting about? Do you know?"
Kami just shrugged, looking away from the piercing blue gaze. Everyone else was already there when they walked in. Mana sat at the middle of the table, flanked by Kozi and Yu-ki on either side. Kami went to stand behind them. Before he could take a seat, Mana spoke, "Gackt, we can't work with you anymore."
Gackt just stared at the men. Then, raising his gaze to Kami, he understood. He loved the drummer with all his heart, but that had no bearing on his decision to side with the rest of the band. He felt like such a fool. Kami was his best friend, his rock. Whatever relationship he had with the man, even if it had never been sexual, had been lost because of money. He turned away from them and walked out the door.
"Do you think things would have worked out differently if I'd changed? If I'd followed Mana's vision?" They sat on a bench a little away from the path, blocked from the wind by a stand of tall pine trees.
"For me, no," Kami replied. He looked into Gackt's eyes, seeing the remorse that still burdened the man. "I'm sorry, Gachan, I shouldn't be so flip. Not when you're still in so much pain."
"I hurt your wife.." Gackt looked down at his gloved hands.
"Mm, maybe at first. She didn't know you well, mostly she only knew your reputation. But, she knew me. And she knew what you meant to me. She was able to ignore the rest after a time." Kami took the hand that rested on Gackt's thigh into his own. "She is grateful that you have remained a true friend." He sighed, "And she is worried about you not being able to move on.
"You did the right thing, walking away from the band. Pursuing your own vision. Mana would have tried to break you... I'm glad you were strong enough to go your own way."
They rounded a bend and came back in sight of the drive where Gackt's car was parked.
"You said that everyone needs to be strong on their own; that they need the strength and determination to deal with whatever life brings. But you missed one important thing, Gachan. You need to be strong enough to accept the help, to lean on the people around you who truly care for you."
Gackt turned around and looked out over the wide expanse of the grounds they'd just traversed. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, pondering what Kami was saying.
"Gachan, you have given me more honor by your actions in your life than I ever deserved. And you have surrounded yourself with good people, people who believe in you and what you're trying to do. People who love you. Especially You. Let him help you, Gachan. He grieves for you. It makes me truly happy to know that you don't have to be alone anymore. You know he has always been there for you. Listen to your heart. Live in the present, live for the future."
Turning to the drummer again, Gackt brushed back a long strand of auburn hair that had come loose from the tie at the nape of his neck. "Will I ever see you again?" he whispered, choking over the tears that he wasn't quite able to hold back.
Kami gently brushed the tear from his cheek. "You know where to find me, Gachan. Just look into your heart." The hand that rested on Gackt's cheek reached round and cradled the back of his head as Kami pulled him into a gentle, loving kiss. They broke apart, each smiling into the other's eyes.
You stood with his back against the car, shoulders hunched against the wind as he smoked a cigarette. He looked out over the hill to the town below. The crunch of footsteps on the gravel made him turn.
Gackt came up to the violinist, his eyes still wet with tears, but with a new light shining within. He took You's hand, and kissed his soft gentle lips. And for the first time since they'd started coming here however many years ago he said, "Let's go home, beloved."
fin
Rating: pg
Pairing: Gackt/Kami, Gackt/You
Notes: written in 2005 for Kami's birthday.
Italics denotes flashback
SAYING GOODBYE
Gackt nervously adjusted his glasses as he waited for the door to open. A few seconds later the door swung in, and Kami was standing in front of him smiling. He wore a white t shirt and black jeans, bare feet, his long hair caught at the nape of his neck with a purple ribbon. "Welcome, Gaku. Come in." Gackt bowed slightly, returning the smile.
Kami led him into the living room. "Sit down," he motioned toward the sofa, "I'll go get us some drinks." The tall drummer disappeared into the kitchen as Gackt sat, taking in his surroundings. The room was spacious and cleanly modern, nothing in sight that denoted the image that Kami portrayed in the band.
Suddenly, a ball came bouncing down the hallway and into the living room, followed by peals of laughter, and thumping feet. A little girl came running into the room chasing the ball, followed by a little gray kitten. She stopped short at seeing the stranger sitting on the couch.
"Hello," she said coming up to the tall man. "You're Gackt-san, aren't you," she stated. "I'm Mei." She smiled and Kami's image, which until then was nowhere to be seen in the girl, blossomed on her face. That beautiful smile....
"Yes," he replied, "But you can call me Gaku."
Kami came into the room and set a tray with tall glasses of iced tea on the table. He handed one to Gackt, who took it gratefully, then sat down next to the new vocalist of Malice Mizer.
"That's a funny name," Mei said, wrinkling her nose. "Gackt, Gackto, Gacktu, Gaku, Haku," she singsonged. "Gaku, that's best. Hello, Gaku. Are you in love with my daddy?"
Gackt almost spit out his tea. Was it so obvious that even a three-year-old could see it? He tried not to panic.
"Mei, honey, why don't you take the ball and Hoshi outside to play," Kami said smoothly.
"Ok," and in a whirl of giggles she was gone.
"I'm sorry, Gaku," Kami said. "She just thinks everyone should love her daddy as much as she does."
"Oh," Gackt chuckled, relief flooding through him.
'That had been how long ago?' Gackt wondered as he stood gazing at the grave before him. 'It seems like another lifetime ago, and yet like only yesterday.' Gackt shivered in the cold February mist. "Kami, forgive me."
"What for, Gachan?" Kami asked. He pushed a strand of hair away from the other's eyes.
Gackt turned to him. "For not being with you; for not calling you first, instead of asking everyone else about you; for not giving up my stubborn pride," he said forlornly.
"Gachan, and what could you have done? It was over before anyone knew. I knew you would come. And I knew you would beat yourself up over it, too. Don't, Gachan. I know that you loved me, that you still love me. And I still love you. That will never change."
The two walked slowly through the cemetery. Daffodils were just poking their buds into the cold air, perhaps rethinking their decision to make their appearance and brighten the cold winter weather. Gackt stopped at the shrine, clapped and offered his prayers and incense.
"You know how he is, Gachan. Don't pay him any attention," Kami said, brushing the vocalist's hair back from his face. "He's jealous that you have taken his place in Mana's affections."
" I don't want to take anyone's place. I want to stand on my own; not be someone's pet." Gackt turned from the drummer and threw the music score he was holding across the room.
"I don't think I can do this anymore; I can't corrupt what I believe in. I want the music to grow, to reach across the genre, to be more than just a visual thing. I want it to stand on its own, to touch people's hearts."
They stood on an arched bridge over a small stream. Gackt shivered and pulled his long leather coat closer, trying to keep out the raw chill that was taking over his body. "When I told them that our success was changing them, they-- you-- were angry. You couldn't see the way the money was affecting you. I tried to make you all understand. I didn't want to change the band, just the way they responded to their success."
Kami took his hand. "When you started to write the music along with the lyrics, they thought you wanted to take over. You were always criticizing how they acted towards their fame, towards the fans. They-- we-- couldn't handle that. We didn't need someone else telling us how to live. And I... I couldn't see why it should make any difference. Heh, hindsight is 20/20, ne?"
"Kami, what's the meeting about? Do you know?"
Kami just shrugged, looking away from the piercing blue gaze. Everyone else was already there when they walked in. Mana sat at the middle of the table, flanked by Kozi and Yu-ki on either side. Kami went to stand behind them. Before he could take a seat, Mana spoke, "Gackt, we can't work with you anymore."
Gackt just stared at the men. Then, raising his gaze to Kami, he understood. He loved the drummer with all his heart, but that had no bearing on his decision to side with the rest of the band. He felt like such a fool. Kami was his best friend, his rock. Whatever relationship he had with the man, even if it had never been sexual, had been lost because of money. He turned away from them and walked out the door.
"Do you think things would have worked out differently if I'd changed? If I'd followed Mana's vision?" They sat on a bench a little away from the path, blocked from the wind by a stand of tall pine trees.
"For me, no," Kami replied. He looked into Gackt's eyes, seeing the remorse that still burdened the man. "I'm sorry, Gachan, I shouldn't be so flip. Not when you're still in so much pain."
"I hurt your wife.." Gackt looked down at his gloved hands.
"Mm, maybe at first. She didn't know you well, mostly she only knew your reputation. But, she knew me. And she knew what you meant to me. She was able to ignore the rest after a time." Kami took the hand that rested on Gackt's thigh into his own. "She is grateful that you have remained a true friend." He sighed, "And she is worried about you not being able to move on.
"You did the right thing, walking away from the band. Pursuing your own vision. Mana would have tried to break you... I'm glad you were strong enough to go your own way."
They rounded a bend and came back in sight of the drive where Gackt's car was parked.
"You said that everyone needs to be strong on their own; that they need the strength and determination to deal with whatever life brings. But you missed one important thing, Gachan. You need to be strong enough to accept the help, to lean on the people around you who truly care for you."
Gackt turned around and looked out over the wide expanse of the grounds they'd just traversed. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, pondering what Kami was saying.
"Gachan, you have given me more honor by your actions in your life than I ever deserved. And you have surrounded yourself with good people, people who believe in you and what you're trying to do. People who love you. Especially You. Let him help you, Gachan. He grieves for you. It makes me truly happy to know that you don't have to be alone anymore. You know he has always been there for you. Listen to your heart. Live in the present, live for the future."
Turning to the drummer again, Gackt brushed back a long strand of auburn hair that had come loose from the tie at the nape of his neck. "Will I ever see you again?" he whispered, choking over the tears that he wasn't quite able to hold back.
Kami gently brushed the tear from his cheek. "You know where to find me, Gachan. Just look into your heart." The hand that rested on Gackt's cheek reached round and cradled the back of his head as Kami pulled him into a gentle, loving kiss. They broke apart, each smiling into the other's eyes.
You stood with his back against the car, shoulders hunched against the wind as he smoked a cigarette. He looked out over the hill to the town below. The crunch of footsteps on the gravel made him turn.
Gackt came up to the violinist, his eyes still wet with tears, but with a new light shining within. He took You's hand, and kissed his soft gentle lips. And for the first time since they'd started coming here however many years ago he said, "Let's go home, beloved."
fin