Silver Thorn A Bloody Rose
Today wasn't a good day.
I tried to go and get a lot done today but I only met discouragement. I know, maybe I am taking things too hard. Its just that I thought I could at least get a couple of things done. I have learned that getting anything matted will be expensive - which throws me another step back when it comes to getting the watercolors fixed right.
Went to school for the letters of recommendation stuff and felt incredibly small - like always. I couldn't even hold anyone's attention long enough to ask for the letters or talk to them. And now I feel like my chances of getting in anywhere are slimmer than before after the little bit of talking that I did get to do.
What I am starting to hate about going back is that I always get asked if I have gotten a job yet - and then I feel awful when I reply that I haven't. Even worse when it seems like I haven't really tried. Its like its some kind of big crime that I don't have a job a month after graduating.
I'm sorry that I don't have a job yet. Especially a graphic design job at a place around here. I don't want to do graphic design around here. I barely even know if I want to do graphic design anymore.
I KNOW me. And I know that if I get a job and I get too cosy, I won't ever get around to going to grad school. And I don't want to get a job and then have to quit soon after getting it - its not right for the people who would hire me to have to find a replacement so soon.
And I know what you are thinking - why not move somewhere else? Yeah - that's possible for a lot of people but just not for me. Some of it has to do with financial things of course but then there's this mental state that I'm in now. Right now I can't do it. What's best for me right now is to keep trying to get into grad school while I work part time. And thats only if I even know whats best for me.
And of course I ended my day with going to see Grandmother's. Patty told us that it looked like she was going downhill. Normally I would just shrug it off but then Patty always knows. She's practically been able to predict when the other ladies living there died. So she has to be going downhill. Its hard enough for me to be in the same room with her now - she barely knows who I am. Once and awhile she'll say that I am her granddaughter but a few minutes later she'll forget.
I've just had a bad day I guess. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
My hair is still bad. I have come to the conclusion that I bought a bad box of dye. My hair is awful. Even Mom noticed how it isnt as shiny or soft as it usually is after dying it. I'm going to try to fix it tomorrow. I can't stand it this way anymore.
Maybe I'll lighten it some and get it that light red color I've wanted for awhile. I don't know. I don't want to do too much to my hair.
I tried to go and get a lot done today but I only met discouragement. I know, maybe I am taking things too hard. Its just that I thought I could at least get a couple of things done. I have learned that getting anything matted will be expensive - which throws me another step back when it comes to getting the watercolors fixed right.
Went to school for the letters of recommendation stuff and felt incredibly small - like always. I couldn't even hold anyone's attention long enough to ask for the letters or talk to them. And now I feel like my chances of getting in anywhere are slimmer than before after the little bit of talking that I did get to do.
What I am starting to hate about going back is that I always get asked if I have gotten a job yet - and then I feel awful when I reply that I haven't. Even worse when it seems like I haven't really tried. Its like its some kind of big crime that I don't have a job a month after graduating.
I'm sorry that I don't have a job yet. Especially a graphic design job at a place around here. I don't want to do graphic design around here. I barely even know if I want to do graphic design anymore.
I KNOW me. And I know that if I get a job and I get too cosy, I won't ever get around to going to grad school. And I don't want to get a job and then have to quit soon after getting it - its not right for the people who would hire me to have to find a replacement so soon.
And I know what you are thinking - why not move somewhere else? Yeah - that's possible for a lot of people but just not for me. Some of it has to do with financial things of course but then there's this mental state that I'm in now. Right now I can't do it. What's best for me right now is to keep trying to get into grad school while I work part time. And thats only if I even know whats best for me.
And of course I ended my day with going to see Grandmother's. Patty told us that it looked like she was going downhill. Normally I would just shrug it off but then Patty always knows. She's practically been able to predict when the other ladies living there died. So she has to be going downhill. Its hard enough for me to be in the same room with her now - she barely knows who I am. Once and awhile she'll say that I am her granddaughter but a few minutes later she'll forget.
I've just had a bad day I guess. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
My hair is still bad. I have come to the conclusion that I bought a bad box of dye. My hair is awful. Even Mom noticed how it isnt as shiny or soft as it usually is after dying it. I'm going to try to fix it tomorrow. I can't stand it this way anymore.
Maybe I'll lighten it some and get it that light red color I've wanted for awhile. I don't know. I don't want to do too much to my hair.