Another day gone by...
Four finals down and one to go on Monday. I was actually supprised that there was class today. The roads were horrible, but I have to do what I have to do. The one girl I work with was in my class at vo-tech. Naturally she knows me as the girl who dated Jason Roberts. Seems like I can't get away from it all sometimes. We were talking about Jason R and Adam. I haven't seen Jason in over a year now. She says she saw him at Wal-Mart the other day. Apparently he is loseing even more weight. That isn't good.... I knew him the year before he found out he was diabetic, and after he went into sugar shock and found out, he dropped 90 pounds in 3 months. He was rather thin when we were dateing, but now he HAS to be underweight. He still takes his shots 3 times a day. We also talked about Adam since they were really good friends. Her theory is that he is gay. We talked about how he has better hair than most women. It is naturally raven colored, straight, smooth, and almost down to his waist. In our junior year of high school he looked like the lead singer from System of a Down...before the singer grew his hair and shaved his face. I am tired, but my mind won't stop raceing, so I can't sleep. I keep thinking about moveing away from here and starting all over. New state, new job, new home, new people. Not that there's anything wrong with the people I know here. It's just that with the people I know here I have made too many mistakes and I don't think I can fix them. I'm not really sure if they consider me their friend or not. I have distanced myself from them kind of on purpose... I really just don't feel like being social. There's this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that everyone I know is thinking horrible thoughts towards me and are laughing at me behind my back. Then there's my husband. I dunno who actually likes him and who is just being nice. It's so confusing! And I don't really have too much in common with my friends. MAN! I even hate myself for the way I am. If there was a pill that I had access to, I'd take it. I don't want to sit here and say "Oh well I am just depressed and need Zoloft" or some dumb shit, but who knows. You know, I just want to sit down with somebody and tell them EVERYTHING that has been on my mind. Face to face. I try not to talk about myself too much because I don't want to bore people and seem self-centered, but I NEED to. Just talk about ME and only me for awhile and get some well needed advice. Just once. I don't want to pay a therapist either. That doesn't work too well on me...I already know. I'd also need that person to NOT be judgemental...and to not tell anyone else anything, especially my husband. Hmm...so that person probably needs to NOT be a friend of his. Now back to the games I'm playing.