(no subject)
So, I know it's been forever since I have updated. It's been non-stop rush since we got done here. Today is Saturday, which means I'm not in school, and I actually have a life...
I've been teaching for eight days now. A first grade class. *Sigh* How can you describe your first year teaching?
Exhilirating, challenging, frustrating, different, passionate, positive and negative, a learning experience, a frightening experience, lonely, naive, organization, drowning...
I know it's only been 8 days. But these last eight days have been the hardest in my whole life. My class is built up with some very sweet children-- all of them special in their own way. It's the children that have always driven me in this profession and are sometimes the ones that stop me from breaking down. But, can I just tell you, teaching where I am is way different than I thought it was going to be. There is no room for creativity, there is no room for engagement really, in my opinion. We have intensive programs in math and reading that take up a large portion of the day. It is all reading out of a book in front of the children. I try desperately to add on creative touches, but I definitely do not have the liberities I had with my time in the classrooms at Wittenberg. I get really bogged down with how much paperwork is needed and expected to be kept up. I feel in the dark most of the time about what I should or should not be doing. I feel lonely (Marcus is a huge support however). I just miss being young, everyone. I feel like I'm 40 right now, and I am only 22. I go to bed at 9:30 most evenings, get up at 5:30 or 6, and get home around that same time. Weekends are my only time for me to be me. Maybe I started into my career too fast. Maybe I should have taken time to be young and enjoy life. School is everything I think about, day and night. What I need to be doing, what I'm not doing, what I'm too exhausted to do. I have immense amounts of guilt. What if these children are getting a worse education because this is my first year, and sometimes I have no clue what I'm doing?
Another factor that is unusual than a normal first year teacher's life is that I have a full time sub in the room with me every minute of every day. My teaching license from Ohio didn't transfer to a Kansas license in time for the school year-- in fact, the Kansas State Department of Education listed 4 to 6 weeks more for processing (So, kansas can't let me be alone in the classroom with kids, even though I have REAL license and am acutally OVER-QUALIFIED to teach here). So, I have someone else in the room with, watching me, and critqueing me. It's not teaching, it's field experiences and student teaching all over again. And believe me, I do receive an abundance of ways that I could improve my teaching and my classroom from this person. I haven't received one compliment from her, all are ideas for improvement. She is a very nice person and willing to help me at anything I ask (and I do give her thigns to work on because I don't want her to be bored), but she forgets that I AM THE FULL TIME TEACHER in the classroom. It's immense responsibility, and she just feels like she can jump in at any time and co-teach with me. That wasn't what she was supposed to be doing, she is just supposed to sit in and be there. It's probably my fault, I didn't stand up enough for myself. But, I didn't want to create aniomosity in the classroom. *Sigh* It's so hard some days, guys. I feel like the kids are confused who is in charge, so they act up even more.
So, I am lonely down here in terms of that area of my life. But, I couldn't be more happy with where Marcus and I are at in our relationship. Living with him is wonderful. I come home, and he is there for me to cry to and there to make me laugh. He cooks me dinner, gives me backrubs, and listens. I don't think I would be making it here right now without him. He is everything to me. I love our home. It's still a mess (I'm actually going to go work on it some right after this). My clothes are everywhere hehe. We are talking of getting a kitten in a month or so. Which would keep me company when he is at work (where he is right now). He is the only "home" I have that is in relative reach (my mom is 2 hours away). So, I miss him a lot when we aren't together.
Well, that is the update for right now. I miss all of my friends and family in Ohio like crazy. Marcus is going up for Alex and Jen's weddding this coming weekend-- Congrats to them both. I would have came up, but there are also money issues going on right now-- I have next to nothing in the bank. I just couldn't afford to fly up. I wish I had though, it might have helped to see my dad and other familiar faces. I love all of you. I hope my Wittenberg friends are settling back into school (has it started yet?) It feels weird not to be at college this year. I'm in a totally different place then I was a year ago at this time. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.
If you get a chance, pop me an email at my new address, I would love to hear from anyone...: kristina@endofmiles.com
I've been teaching for eight days now. A first grade class. *Sigh* How can you describe your first year teaching?
Exhilirating, challenging, frustrating, different, passionate, positive and negative, a learning experience, a frightening experience, lonely, naive, organization, drowning...
I know it's only been 8 days. But these last eight days have been the hardest in my whole life. My class is built up with some very sweet children-- all of them special in their own way. It's the children that have always driven me in this profession and are sometimes the ones that stop me from breaking down. But, can I just tell you, teaching where I am is way different than I thought it was going to be. There is no room for creativity, there is no room for engagement really, in my opinion. We have intensive programs in math and reading that take up a large portion of the day. It is all reading out of a book in front of the children. I try desperately to add on creative touches, but I definitely do not have the liberities I had with my time in the classrooms at Wittenberg. I get really bogged down with how much paperwork is needed and expected to be kept up. I feel in the dark most of the time about what I should or should not be doing. I feel lonely (Marcus is a huge support however). I just miss being young, everyone. I feel like I'm 40 right now, and I am only 22. I go to bed at 9:30 most evenings, get up at 5:30 or 6, and get home around that same time. Weekends are my only time for me to be me. Maybe I started into my career too fast. Maybe I should have taken time to be young and enjoy life. School is everything I think about, day and night. What I need to be doing, what I'm not doing, what I'm too exhausted to do. I have immense amounts of guilt. What if these children are getting a worse education because this is my first year, and sometimes I have no clue what I'm doing?
Another factor that is unusual than a normal first year teacher's life is that I have a full time sub in the room with me every minute of every day. My teaching license from Ohio didn't transfer to a Kansas license in time for the school year-- in fact, the Kansas State Department of Education listed 4 to 6 weeks more for processing (So, kansas can't let me be alone in the classroom with kids, even though I have REAL license and am acutally OVER-QUALIFIED to teach here). So, I have someone else in the room with, watching me, and critqueing me. It's not teaching, it's field experiences and student teaching all over again. And believe me, I do receive an abundance of ways that I could improve my teaching and my classroom from this person. I haven't received one compliment from her, all are ideas for improvement. She is a very nice person and willing to help me at anything I ask (and I do give her thigns to work on because I don't want her to be bored), but she forgets that I AM THE FULL TIME TEACHER in the classroom. It's immense responsibility, and she just feels like she can jump in at any time and co-teach with me. That wasn't what she was supposed to be doing, she is just supposed to sit in and be there. It's probably my fault, I didn't stand up enough for myself. But, I didn't want to create aniomosity in the classroom. *Sigh* It's so hard some days, guys. I feel like the kids are confused who is in charge, so they act up even more.
So, I am lonely down here in terms of that area of my life. But, I couldn't be more happy with where Marcus and I are at in our relationship. Living with him is wonderful. I come home, and he is there for me to cry to and there to make me laugh. He cooks me dinner, gives me backrubs, and listens. I don't think I would be making it here right now without him. He is everything to me. I love our home. It's still a mess (I'm actually going to go work on it some right after this). My clothes are everywhere hehe. We are talking of getting a kitten in a month or so. Which would keep me company when he is at work (where he is right now). He is the only "home" I have that is in relative reach (my mom is 2 hours away). So, I miss him a lot when we aren't together.
Well, that is the update for right now. I miss all of my friends and family in Ohio like crazy. Marcus is going up for Alex and Jen's weddding this coming weekend-- Congrats to them both. I would have came up, but there are also money issues going on right now-- I have next to nothing in the bank. I just couldn't afford to fly up. I wish I had though, it might have helped to see my dad and other familiar faces. I love all of you. I hope my Wittenberg friends are settling back into school (has it started yet?) It feels weird not to be at college this year. I'm in a totally different place then I was a year ago at this time. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.
If you get a chance, pop me an email at my new address, I would love to hear from anyone...: kristina@endofmiles.com