another Vegas rant....
another Vegas rant....
WTF is WRONG with my parents!! why can't they understand that my life is here, not with them in some fecking desert! They have no confidense in me finding a job and me staying here, and it feels like my sisters doesn't have any in me (so in a sense, i feel kinda abandoned by my family...). The only one that doesn't talk to me about all of this in my brother, but that's because I've only talked to him once in almost 2 years and he's living in Sounth Carolina (thank Goddess he's alive and well)... I just wish that they stop talking to me about moving, and stop trying to convince me to move with them! I am so angry right now that i'm slightly shaking and that it feels like i want to curl up in a hole and cry... The last time I have ever felt angry was in either 9ther grade or that one X-Mas day in 2000 when i got into a big fight with my dad over something i didn't do. And the last time i wanted to curl up in a hole and cry was when my niece died and when we had our major inspection for JROTC in 12th grade (i was feeling kinda low that day or week or whatever- i think i was thinking about the assholes and bitches from 5th grade and thru out middle school, and the inspector said the right thing that actually rubbed me in the right way that got me to cry cause of that state of mind i was in)! I just wish that i could get a fecking job and get out of this house and live somewhere else.... I have no idea how much more I can take of them doing this shit to me....
Why can't they understand that I NEED to live away from them, live under a roof WITHOUT any family?! They to me are the reasons why I feel the way i currently am...
OR that I need to actually GO out and find a job without being forced to BE HOME to watch my SISTER'S 1 1/2 YEAR OLD GODDAUGHTER while my mom does work around the house or if she is that tired that she needs a half hour power-nap... OR being forced to do shite that I don't want to do? I mean, HOW the FECK am I supposed to get a JOB if it feels like I'm FORCED to be HOME OR TO DO STUFF?!
OR that I NEED to get out, move out and be more INDEPENDANT? It still feels like that they treat me like I'm 5 years old, I can't stand it anymore. I'm a 20 year old adult, not a 5 year old child. I NEED to get out to PROVE that I AM independant, not only to them, but to me. I know that I am, I just need to prove it to myself. My dad said that he doesn't care if i move with them or not, yet he still tries and tries to convince me to move with them! It feels like i never had gotten confidence from him, or that i was ever close to him. He's ONE of the reasons why i want to move! Little does he know that, tho.... None of my family knows that reason... I never really tell my family anything because within a day or a week, or in a tiny 5 minutes my whole family knows or the whole household.... And it's embarrassing! Even the smallest little things that are real stupid or private, too, they get blurted out... I know if I move out, this won't happen (or at least much...)!
My dad talks like Vegas is the greatest fecking place in the world. But for someone who has just about everything she wants here in or around the town she lives in ('sept for a feckin' job!), Vegas is jack shite! NOTHING IS THERE for me! Here, I have my Friends who are basically like my family, My baby Godson, my family... To me, they're everything!
I just wish that a fecking job will fecking hire me so i can fecking live here with my friends, my godson and family! And heavens forbid if my godson grows up not knowing his godmother. I know how it feels to grow up without a godparent since I was 5 years old. To me, i don't even have a godfather/uncle anymore! I know i haven't seen him in a month and a half, but I've been trying to get out to see him for the past week or so, but with the rain and staying home with helping around the house (with the exception of yesterday, yesterday was the first day actually going out and spending time away from family and my house - had 48 ounces of beer and didn't get drunk and didn't get caught from my family when i got home....Long story!! AND EM, I'M SRY FOR NOT CALLING, I DIDN't GET HOME UNTIL 11:30 LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!),i haven't had time. The only time i had away from my house is when I went to the Post office in Franklin Mills to mail out b-day card to a friend in Cali. And tomorrow, I'm hopefully getting out to apply at WaWa again and apply to to some stores in Neshitamy Mall, and then stop by the post office in Franklin Mills again to mail out a "Music=Life" bracelet (it supports Arts and Music in schools) to a friend up in Canada and a letter out to another friend. Sucks that I can't afford stamps tho ::fecking places not hiring me *snicker*::...
So, yea, i definately feel slighty better now... not shaking anymore.... I'm sry guys, i jus needed to fecking vent, i'm just tired of all of this shite...
Current Mood: all mixed up, dunno what to do
Current Music: "Staring At The Sun" by U2
WTF is WRONG with my parents!! why can't they understand that my life is here, not with them in some fecking desert! They have no confidense in me finding a job and me staying here, and it feels like my sisters doesn't have any in me (so in a sense, i feel kinda abandoned by my family...). The only one that doesn't talk to me about all of this in my brother, but that's because I've only talked to him once in almost 2 years and he's living in Sounth Carolina (thank Goddess he's alive and well)... I just wish that they stop talking to me about moving, and stop trying to convince me to move with them! I am so angry right now that i'm slightly shaking and that it feels like i want to curl up in a hole and cry... The last time I have ever felt angry was in either 9ther grade or that one X-Mas day in 2000 when i got into a big fight with my dad over something i didn't do. And the last time i wanted to curl up in a hole and cry was when my niece died and when we had our major inspection for JROTC in 12th grade (i was feeling kinda low that day or week or whatever- i think i was thinking about the assholes and bitches from 5th grade and thru out middle school, and the inspector said the right thing that actually rubbed me in the right way that got me to cry cause of that state of mind i was in)! I just wish that i could get a fecking job and get out of this house and live somewhere else.... I have no idea how much more I can take of them doing this shit to me....
Why can't they understand that I NEED to live away from them, live under a roof WITHOUT any family?! They to me are the reasons why I feel the way i currently am...
OR that I need to actually GO out and find a job without being forced to BE HOME to watch my SISTER'S 1 1/2 YEAR OLD GODDAUGHTER while my mom does work around the house or if she is that tired that she needs a half hour power-nap... OR being forced to do shite that I don't want to do? I mean, HOW the FECK am I supposed to get a JOB if it feels like I'm FORCED to be HOME OR TO DO STUFF?!
OR that I NEED to get out, move out and be more INDEPENDANT? It still feels like that they treat me like I'm 5 years old, I can't stand it anymore. I'm a 20 year old adult, not a 5 year old child. I NEED to get out to PROVE that I AM independant, not only to them, but to me. I know that I am, I just need to prove it to myself. My dad said that he doesn't care if i move with them or not, yet he still tries and tries to convince me to move with them! It feels like i never had gotten confidence from him, or that i was ever close to him. He's ONE of the reasons why i want to move! Little does he know that, tho.... None of my family knows that reason... I never really tell my family anything because within a day or a week, or in a tiny 5 minutes my whole family knows or the whole household.... And it's embarrassing! Even the smallest little things that are real stupid or private, too, they get blurted out... I know if I move out, this won't happen (or at least much...)!
My dad talks like Vegas is the greatest fecking place in the world. But for someone who has just about everything she wants here in or around the town she lives in ('sept for a feckin' job!), Vegas is jack shite! NOTHING IS THERE for me! Here, I have my Friends who are basically like my family, My baby Godson, my family... To me, they're everything!
I just wish that a fecking job will fecking hire me so i can fecking live here with my friends, my godson and family! And heavens forbid if my godson grows up not knowing his godmother. I know how it feels to grow up without a godparent since I was 5 years old. To me, i don't even have a godfather/uncle anymore! I know i haven't seen him in a month and a half, but I've been trying to get out to see him for the past week or so, but with the rain and staying home with helping around the house (with the exception of yesterday, yesterday was the first day actually going out and spending time away from family and my house - had 48 ounces of beer and didn't get drunk and didn't get caught from my family when i got home....Long story!! AND EM, I'M SRY FOR NOT CALLING, I DIDN't GET HOME UNTIL 11:30 LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!),i haven't had time. The only time i had away from my house is when I went to the Post office in Franklin Mills to mail out b-day card to a friend in Cali. And tomorrow, I'm hopefully getting out to apply at WaWa again and apply to to some stores in Neshitamy Mall, and then stop by the post office in Franklin Mills again to mail out a "Music=Life" bracelet (it supports Arts and Music in schools) to a friend up in Canada and a letter out to another friend. Sucks that I can't afford stamps tho ::fecking places not hiring me *snicker*::...
So, yea, i definately feel slighty better now... not shaking anymore.... I'm sry guys, i jus needed to fecking vent, i'm just tired of all of this shite...
Current Mood: all mixed up, dunno what to do
Current Music: "Staring At The Sun" by U2