I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
**EDIT**
Just for everyone to know so people don't get upset with me or think I'm upset with them cause I do love my friends and family more than anything...This is not directed towards anyone in particular. NO ONE is making me feel this way other than myself. _itmeanssomuch_ explained it best in her comment to this entry. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused and thanks to Isha for bringing it to my attention...love you!
**EDIT**
This has seemed like it's been the week from hell.
However, I feel like I'm not allowed to have emotions anymore and God forbid they slip out once in a while. No, no one has said to me you're not allowed to feel, but I feel like I do...so please don't comment on here and say I shouldn't think that cause that's not true...I know it's not but it's what I think.
How dare I let myself be anything but numb anymore.
I'm not allowed to get mad when people say something that makes me mad, I'm not allowed to cry when something hurts me or upsets me or stresses me out. I'm not allowed to be happy when something makes me happy. I'm only allowed to be numb. Hide your emotions from the world and keep them all to yourself in a small little bubble at the back of your mind and act like nothing is ever happening.
It doesn't work for me though. I can only act numb for so long.
I'm thisclose to quitting my job. Sure it may not be the answer, sure it's the last resort but I'm feeling like that's what it's come to.
I get disrespected at work time and time again and instead of the person who's literally screaming at me...I get a heavier work load. I thought we hired a new person so that I would be able to concentrate on the projects that I have to do...not so that I can take on both jobs at once. Now I'm not saying the new person doesn't do their job cause she does, but they only allow her to work 15 hours a week...this is not my problem...they should have her work more hours if she can if there is stuff that needs to be done. I'm not getting paid enough to have two people's jobs. I barely get paid enough for my own job.
I'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me. I thought I stopped doing that but this week has just been proof to me that's not true.
I'm weak.
Today I wish I didn't wake up at all...sometimes it would just be easier than feeling like shit all day.
The only thing that even puts a glimmer of happiness in my freaking face is Saturday...but even with that...I'm not letting myself get overly excited about. However, it makes me happy because I at least get to hang out with someone new and it just so happens to be male...which I think I need more guys in my life...even as friends.
Today I wanted nothing else but to get a hug from a guy. For some reason guy hugs give me a far greater sense of security than a girl hug. Maybe it's because guys are naturally stronger than girls are. I just want to be embraced by a guy and allow myself to be held and just cry. Unfortunately I don't know any guys that I feel comfortable enough to do that with or who would even be willing to do that for me. **I need to meet more guys and become friends with them**
The only guy that would ever let me do that freaking moved to South Carolina and won't speak to me.
I need comfort.
I need a drink to get drunk.
I need to not cry anymore today especially cause I'm currently in class and I have to at least start my freaking final project web page.
So here's a notice to the world...I have feelings and sometimes I need to let them out...here's my chance...now I'll go back to being the no feeling person that I'm supposed to be.
Just for everyone to know so people don't get upset with me or think I'm upset with them cause I do love my friends and family more than anything...This is not directed towards anyone in particular. NO ONE is making me feel this way other than myself. _itmeanssomuch_ explained it best in her comment to this entry. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused and thanks to Isha for bringing it to my attention...love you!
**EDIT**
This has seemed like it's been the week from hell.
However, I feel like I'm not allowed to have emotions anymore and God forbid they slip out once in a while. No, no one has said to me you're not allowed to feel, but I feel like I do...so please don't comment on here and say I shouldn't think that cause that's not true...I know it's not but it's what I think.
How dare I let myself be anything but numb anymore.
I'm not allowed to get mad when people say something that makes me mad, I'm not allowed to cry when something hurts me or upsets me or stresses me out. I'm not allowed to be happy when something makes me happy. I'm only allowed to be numb. Hide your emotions from the world and keep them all to yourself in a small little bubble at the back of your mind and act like nothing is ever happening.
It doesn't work for me though. I can only act numb for so long.
I'm thisclose to quitting my job. Sure it may not be the answer, sure it's the last resort but I'm feeling like that's what it's come to.
I get disrespected at work time and time again and instead of the person who's literally screaming at me...I get a heavier work load. I thought we hired a new person so that I would be able to concentrate on the projects that I have to do...not so that I can take on both jobs at once. Now I'm not saying the new person doesn't do their job cause she does, but they only allow her to work 15 hours a week...this is not my problem...they should have her work more hours if she can if there is stuff that needs to be done. I'm not getting paid enough to have two people's jobs. I barely get paid enough for my own job.
I'm so tired of letting everyone walk all over me. I thought I stopped doing that but this week has just been proof to me that's not true.
I'm weak.
Today I wish I didn't wake up at all...sometimes it would just be easier than feeling like shit all day.
The only thing that even puts a glimmer of happiness in my freaking face is Saturday...but even with that...I'm not letting myself get overly excited about. However, it makes me happy because I at least get to hang out with someone new and it just so happens to be male...which I think I need more guys in my life...even as friends.
Today I wanted nothing else but to get a hug from a guy. For some reason guy hugs give me a far greater sense of security than a girl hug. Maybe it's because guys are naturally stronger than girls are. I just want to be embraced by a guy and allow myself to be held and just cry. Unfortunately I don't know any guys that I feel comfortable enough to do that with or who would even be willing to do that for me. **I need to meet more guys and become friends with them**
The only guy that would ever let me do that freaking moved to South Carolina and won't speak to me.
I need comfort.
I need a drink to get drunk.
I need to not cry anymore today especially cause I'm currently in class and I have to at least start my freaking final project web page.
So here's a notice to the world...I have feelings and sometimes I need to let them out...here's my chance...now I'll go back to being the no feeling person that I'm supposed to be.