On the boat
After this. Warning: This gets uncomfortable.
The hum of the boat's engine was the first thing Shy was aware of as he started to come around for what felt like the millionth time. It always was. He didn't know how many days he'd been Kevin's captive, but he knew that he'd been fed a total of thirteen meals, including that very first one. Kevin had only tricked him that one time in order to drug him. After that, he'd proposed that Shy could simply take the pills offered and spare himself having to be awake for the things done to him, or he could forgo the drugs and see if he'd actually enjoy it. Shy had been all too eager to swallow the pills and escape for a little while each night. At least, he assumed it was night. He couldn't see outside and there were no clocks anywhere in the stateroom. Time was beginning to mean nothing to him.
Shy curled up on his side and pressed his face to the pillow. Harsh, gut-wrenching sobs began to force their way out of him, tearing him up as they surfaced. His tears, hot and angry, soaked the pillowcase as he silently screamed into it. Fingers clutched at anything they could grab, wanting to rip the pillow and bed covers to shreds. Fists pounded on the bed, needing to hurt something in exchange for the pain he was feeling. There were no words, no pleas to any supreme being he'd given up on long ago. If anything, this was absolute proof to him that such a thing couldn't exist. There were only his tears and his pain, and the hollow ache in his chest at the knowledge that this would never end. Speaking to Orlando on the phone had given him some hope, and he prayed that the clue he'd tried to send had registered. But he had no idea how Orli and Will would ever find him.
The sound of a key in the lock to the stateroom made him stop crying as quickly as he started. Rushing to wipe off his face, Shy sat up and grabbed the pillow, holding it on his lap as he watched the door open.
"Hey, gorgeous," Kevin said, all smiles as he brought in a tray.
Shy said nothing, but watched as Kevin set the tray down on the bed. He frowned when he saw a comb and some scissors where a plate of food would usually be.
"Today, you're getting a makeover," Kevin announced jovially.
"What're you going to do?" Shy asked, his voice numb.
"I'm going to cut your hair, of course. It's a lot more shaggy than I like." He reached to comb his fingers through Shy's hair, gripping it tightly when Shy tried to pull away. "I either cut it or I rip it out of your scalp," he growled softly, tugging hard enough to make Shy cry out.
"Okay, okay! Do what you want!"
"Better," Kevin said, nodding and touching a kiss to Shy's forehead. "I like it when you're a good boy."
Shy swallowed hard, his head still burning. It felt as if Kevin had ripped out a few hairs, and when his captor shook some hair free of his hand, Shy knew that he had.
"You know, I think I could have been a barber," Kevin said as he started touching Shy's hair again, assessing it before he even picked up the scissors. "Just like Sweeney Todd." He laughed at himself and then tousled the curls. "Do me a favor. Go get your hair wet."
Nodding, Shy dragged himself off the bed and trudged to the bathroom. At least he had that. He turned on the shower and stuck his head under it.
"That's enough," Kevin called to him.
Automatically, Shy turned off the water and turned to head back to the bed.
"Towel."
Shy nodded and turned around to get a towel out of the bathroom. He didn't bother to dry his hair, but instead carried it back to Kevin and handed it to him.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Kevin said, taking the towel and waiting for Shy to sit down on the bed before he started to dry the young man's hair. He leaned down to sniff it, then smiled. "You've been using that shampoo I got you."
Of course I did, you fucking idiot, Shy wanted to scream. It's the only thing I have to use and the only thing to get your fucking smell off me.
"Uh huh," Shy said softly. "Thank you."
"No problem. I like it when my boy smells like coconut." Kevin leaned in to kiss him, taking it with no regard for what Shy wanted, the way he took everything else. "And you are my boy, aren't you?" he whispered, slowly reaching for the scissors.
Shy didn't respond, but when Kevin brought the scissors to the side of his neck, he quickly stammered, "Y-yes...I...y-your boy."
"And you love me?" Kevin pressed the scissors into Shy's skin and drew the tip down hard enough to cause blood to bead on the surface.
Trembling with fear, Shy gasped but didn't say anything. Lying about being Kevin's boy was one thing. This was another.
Kevin trailed the scissors down over Shy's collarbone and smiled. "Say, 'I love you, Kevin, and Will loves you, too.'"
Swallowing hard, Shy could feel more tears starting to stream down his face. He couldn't say it. "I don't love you," he whispered. "I won't say it. Will doesn't love you. He hates you."
"You fucking piece of shit," Kevin gritted through clenched teeth as he threw the scissors aside and knocked the tray to the floor. He grabbed Shy and pushed him face down onto the bed, continuing to curse at him, hitting him in the back of the head.
Shy felt as if he couldn't breathe, Kevin's knee was in his back and all of his weight was pushing down on him. Flares of pain were making him see white sparks with every blow. Kevin's anger was unlike anything he'd seen from him before and he wondered if this was how it was going to end. He was going to be beaten and thrown into the water and no one would ever know he was dead.
Seconds later, there was a moment of blessed relief when Kevin eased up and got off of him. Shy stayed as still as he could, afraid to move or look up. He just wished he could stop himself from shaking so badly.
"Tell me you love me."
Tears fell onto the bed covers, and Shy squeezed his eyes shut. Say it and he'll leave you alone. You don't have to mean it. "I love you," he whispered, picturing the men he really wanted to say it to.
"Good boy."
Shy winced when Kevin started rubbing his backside, grateful that he was at least wearing shorts. He didn't know everything Kevin did to him when he was unconscious, but he always woke up feeling extremely tender and sore afterwards.
"Now, say, 'I love you, Kevin.'"
Just do it. Just lie to the asshole and this will stop.
"I..." Shy stopped when his stomach rolled, and took a deep breath. "I...love you...Kevin."
Kevin leaned down and pressed his lips to Shy's ear. "I knew it. I could tell."
If there were any lingering thoughts that this man could be reasoned with, they disappeared with those whispered words. Shy knew from that moment on that he would have to do whatever he was told if he wanted to survive this.
"You want me now, don't you?" Kevin was rubbing Shy's back now, almost caressing him the way he would a real lover. "Say you want me."
This wasn't supposed to be happening. Kevin was supposed to be leaving him alone because he'd said what he wanted.
"Kevin...I-I'm tired..." Shy said softly.
"Aw, you are? Okay then."
Shy felt a kiss pressed between his shoulder blades before Kevin got up from the bed, and he allowed himself a flash of hope that it was over. He should have known that was a false, foolish belief.
Kevin viciously yanked Shy's shorts down, making him wince when his fingernails raked over still tender skin as he did.
"Kevin...please don't..."
"Hey, just because you're tired, it doesn't mean I am," Kevin laughed. Anyone hearing him without seeing what he was doing would have thought he was merely goofing around with some friends. "You go ahead and rest," he said, tugging Shy's shorts all the way off and tossing them onto the floor.
"Give me something. I... You can do it, but... Those pills..."
"Shhh..." Kevin said as he unzipped his pants. "You promised me that I could do anything to you and you'd stay awake. Remember? When I let you talk to that idiot whore you play house with?"
"Don't call him that," Shy said, receiving another punch in response.
"Shut the fuck up," Kevin growled at him. "He's an idiot whore, Will's a piece of trash who'll fuck anything that moves, and you..." Kevin gripped the back of Shy's legs and dug his fingers into his flesh as he forced them apart. "You are too sweet for words. I mean, how cute is it that you've got a nickname like Shy when you're really nothing more than a slutty piece of ass who spreads for anyone?"
Shy closed his eyes, trying to shut out Kevin and what he was doing, but he couldn't ignore the sensation of a body pressing down on him. He couldn't shut out the way he was spread open and exposed before the heat of a hard, violent violation forced its way inside him.
"Will let me take you. He's so happy to be rid of you."
"No...that's not true," Shy whimpered.
"How do you think I knew you were all alone? Why do you think you were left behind?" Kevin kissed Shy's ear, sighing as he pushed deeper. "He doesn't want you around."
Shy shook his head. "But...you want to make a trade. You said they'd make a trade. Orli said..."
"He doesn't know," Kevin chuckled, his thrusts becoming slower and more deliberate as he moved inside Shy. "Will wanted me to have you, sweetheart."
Kevin continued to talk, convincing him that the men he loved were never going to come for him, warning him that he would never be wanted by anyone else again, how no one would be able to handle such used goods.
"But I want you," Kevin murmured, "and I know you want this, too. You're not even trying to fight me, are you, baby?"
Shy wanted to fight. He wanted to scream and tell Kevin to get off him, scratching and biting until he was free. But he didn't. Maybe Kevin's right, he thought. The fact that he wasn't protesting had to mean he really was a slut who'd have anyone at all. He was even hard. As terrified as he was, his body was responding to what Kevin was doing to him and it made him feel sick. If Kevin wanted to, he could make him climax and that realisation rocked him. It was true. Everything Kevin was whispering into his ear was true. More than that, he started to wonder if Will really had wanted to get rid of him so badly, he'd arranged this.
Kevin stopped when he felt Shy start to move under him. "You like that?" he whispered, his excitement growing as he began thrusting a little faster. "You want more?"
"Yes." Shy's voice sounded foreign to his ears, the word was wrong. He wasn't supposed to be saying that. He wasn't supposed to be giving Kevin what he wanted. And when he heard himself breathlessly say, "Fuck me," he suddenly felt disconnected from everything that was going on.
***
When it was over, Kevin turned Shy over and kissed him. "I knew you'd want me eventually," he whispered, sated and looking genuinely happy. "And you'll love me soon. You'll see."
Shy was still feeling an odd sense that he was merely watching events unfold rather than being part of them. "I thought you loved Will."
"I do," Kevin said, brushing his fingers over Shy's cheek. "But I know he doesn't love me. You could love me, Shy. Couldn't you?"
No. Say, no.
"I don't know. Maybe." Shy knew he wasn't supposed to say it but the words had come out on their own.
The smile on Kevin's face spoke volumes as he sat up. "I still want to cut your hair."
With those words, Shy began to feel himself come around and regain some control of whatever was going on inside his head.
"Would you like that?" Kevin asked, his hands gently petting Shy as he leaned down to continue touching kisses to his face and neck.
"Sure."
"Excellent," Kevin said excitedly. He gathered up the things on the floor and had Shy sit all the way up, the towel draped over his shoulders. "You'll look great. You don't need all this hair to be beautiful, you know. In fact, it'll be easier to see just how gorgeous you are." He stopped and hugged Shy around the shoulders and sighed. "I love you, Shy. I do. You stay with me and we'll be really happy."
Shy closed his eyes to shut out the rest of Kevin's chatter, finally losing himself inside his own head as the other man took scissors and comb to his hair. It wasn't until Kevin shook his shoulders that Shy realised any time at all had gone by.
"Go look in the mirror and tell me what you think."
Nodding, Shy got to his feet again and went back into the bathroom. What he saw staring back at him was a man he didn't recognise. His hair was almost all gone, leaving him with what he believed was called a crew cut. There was no other reaction inside him as he raised a hand and rubbed it over his closely shorn head. It felt strange, fuzzy, not like him at all. Maybe this was good. If he wasn't really himself, maybe he wasn't really here. Maybe this was happening to someone else.
"Well?"
Kevin was standing behind him now. Shy looked at Kevin's face in the mirror and forced himself to speak.
"It's great."
Kevin beamed. "I knew you'd like it." He rested his chin on Shy's shoulder and slid a hand over his stomach. When Shy tensed, Kevin gently bit his shoulder. "It's okay. Relax," he whispered, taking hold of Shy and slowly starting to stroke him. "I'm gonna make you feel good."
Shy looked at his reflection again, focusing every bit of his energy into holding his eyes there and nothing else.
The hum of the boat's engine was the first thing Shy was aware of as he started to come around for what felt like the millionth time. It always was. He didn't know how many days he'd been Kevin's captive, but he knew that he'd been fed a total of thirteen meals, including that very first one. Kevin had only tricked him that one time in order to drug him. After that, he'd proposed that Shy could simply take the pills offered and spare himself having to be awake for the things done to him, or he could forgo the drugs and see if he'd actually enjoy it. Shy had been all too eager to swallow the pills and escape for a little while each night. At least, he assumed it was night. He couldn't see outside and there were no clocks anywhere in the stateroom. Time was beginning to mean nothing to him.
Shy curled up on his side and pressed his face to the pillow. Harsh, gut-wrenching sobs began to force their way out of him, tearing him up as they surfaced. His tears, hot and angry, soaked the pillowcase as he silently screamed into it. Fingers clutched at anything they could grab, wanting to rip the pillow and bed covers to shreds. Fists pounded on the bed, needing to hurt something in exchange for the pain he was feeling. There were no words, no pleas to any supreme being he'd given up on long ago. If anything, this was absolute proof to him that such a thing couldn't exist. There were only his tears and his pain, and the hollow ache in his chest at the knowledge that this would never end. Speaking to Orlando on the phone had given him some hope, and he prayed that the clue he'd tried to send had registered. But he had no idea how Orli and Will would ever find him.
The sound of a key in the lock to the stateroom made him stop crying as quickly as he started. Rushing to wipe off his face, Shy sat up and grabbed the pillow, holding it on his lap as he watched the door open.
"Hey, gorgeous," Kevin said, all smiles as he brought in a tray.
Shy said nothing, but watched as Kevin set the tray down on the bed. He frowned when he saw a comb and some scissors where a plate of food would usually be.
"Today, you're getting a makeover," Kevin announced jovially.
"What're you going to do?" Shy asked, his voice numb.
"I'm going to cut your hair, of course. It's a lot more shaggy than I like." He reached to comb his fingers through Shy's hair, gripping it tightly when Shy tried to pull away. "I either cut it or I rip it out of your scalp," he growled softly, tugging hard enough to make Shy cry out.
"Okay, okay! Do what you want!"
"Better," Kevin said, nodding and touching a kiss to Shy's forehead. "I like it when you're a good boy."
Shy swallowed hard, his head still burning. It felt as if Kevin had ripped out a few hairs, and when his captor shook some hair free of his hand, Shy knew that he had.
"You know, I think I could have been a barber," Kevin said as he started touching Shy's hair again, assessing it before he even picked up the scissors. "Just like Sweeney Todd." He laughed at himself and then tousled the curls. "Do me a favor. Go get your hair wet."
Nodding, Shy dragged himself off the bed and trudged to the bathroom. At least he had that. He turned on the shower and stuck his head under it.
"That's enough," Kevin called to him.
Automatically, Shy turned off the water and turned to head back to the bed.
"Towel."
Shy nodded and turned around to get a towel out of the bathroom. He didn't bother to dry his hair, but instead carried it back to Kevin and handed it to him.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Kevin said, taking the towel and waiting for Shy to sit down on the bed before he started to dry the young man's hair. He leaned down to sniff it, then smiled. "You've been using that shampoo I got you."
Of course I did, you fucking idiot, Shy wanted to scream. It's the only thing I have to use and the only thing to get your fucking smell off me.
"Uh huh," Shy said softly. "Thank you."
"No problem. I like it when my boy smells like coconut." Kevin leaned in to kiss him, taking it with no regard for what Shy wanted, the way he took everything else. "And you are my boy, aren't you?" he whispered, slowly reaching for the scissors.
Shy didn't respond, but when Kevin brought the scissors to the side of his neck, he quickly stammered, "Y-yes...I...y-your boy."
"And you love me?" Kevin pressed the scissors into Shy's skin and drew the tip down hard enough to cause blood to bead on the surface.
Trembling with fear, Shy gasped but didn't say anything. Lying about being Kevin's boy was one thing. This was another.
Kevin trailed the scissors down over Shy's collarbone and smiled. "Say, 'I love you, Kevin, and Will loves you, too.'"
Swallowing hard, Shy could feel more tears starting to stream down his face. He couldn't say it. "I don't love you," he whispered. "I won't say it. Will doesn't love you. He hates you."
"You fucking piece of shit," Kevin gritted through clenched teeth as he threw the scissors aside and knocked the tray to the floor. He grabbed Shy and pushed him face down onto the bed, continuing to curse at him, hitting him in the back of the head.
Shy felt as if he couldn't breathe, Kevin's knee was in his back and all of his weight was pushing down on him. Flares of pain were making him see white sparks with every blow. Kevin's anger was unlike anything he'd seen from him before and he wondered if this was how it was going to end. He was going to be beaten and thrown into the water and no one would ever know he was dead.
Seconds later, there was a moment of blessed relief when Kevin eased up and got off of him. Shy stayed as still as he could, afraid to move or look up. He just wished he could stop himself from shaking so badly.
"Tell me you love me."
Tears fell onto the bed covers, and Shy squeezed his eyes shut. Say it and he'll leave you alone. You don't have to mean it. "I love you," he whispered, picturing the men he really wanted to say it to.
"Good boy."
Shy winced when Kevin started rubbing his backside, grateful that he was at least wearing shorts. He didn't know everything Kevin did to him when he was unconscious, but he always woke up feeling extremely tender and sore afterwards.
"Now, say, 'I love you, Kevin.'"
Just do it. Just lie to the asshole and this will stop.
"I..." Shy stopped when his stomach rolled, and took a deep breath. "I...love you...Kevin."
Kevin leaned down and pressed his lips to Shy's ear. "I knew it. I could tell."
If there were any lingering thoughts that this man could be reasoned with, they disappeared with those whispered words. Shy knew from that moment on that he would have to do whatever he was told if he wanted to survive this.
"You want me now, don't you?" Kevin was rubbing Shy's back now, almost caressing him the way he would a real lover. "Say you want me."
This wasn't supposed to be happening. Kevin was supposed to be leaving him alone because he'd said what he wanted.
"Kevin...I-I'm tired..." Shy said softly.
"Aw, you are? Okay then."
Shy felt a kiss pressed between his shoulder blades before Kevin got up from the bed, and he allowed himself a flash of hope that it was over. He should have known that was a false, foolish belief.
Kevin viciously yanked Shy's shorts down, making him wince when his fingernails raked over still tender skin as he did.
"Kevin...please don't..."
"Hey, just because you're tired, it doesn't mean I am," Kevin laughed. Anyone hearing him without seeing what he was doing would have thought he was merely goofing around with some friends. "You go ahead and rest," he said, tugging Shy's shorts all the way off and tossing them onto the floor.
"Give me something. I... You can do it, but... Those pills..."
"Shhh..." Kevin said as he unzipped his pants. "You promised me that I could do anything to you and you'd stay awake. Remember? When I let you talk to that idiot whore you play house with?"
"Don't call him that," Shy said, receiving another punch in response.
"Shut the fuck up," Kevin growled at him. "He's an idiot whore, Will's a piece of trash who'll fuck anything that moves, and you..." Kevin gripped the back of Shy's legs and dug his fingers into his flesh as he forced them apart. "You are too sweet for words. I mean, how cute is it that you've got a nickname like Shy when you're really nothing more than a slutty piece of ass who spreads for anyone?"
Shy closed his eyes, trying to shut out Kevin and what he was doing, but he couldn't ignore the sensation of a body pressing down on him. He couldn't shut out the way he was spread open and exposed before the heat of a hard, violent violation forced its way inside him.
"Will let me take you. He's so happy to be rid of you."
"No...that's not true," Shy whimpered.
"How do you think I knew you were all alone? Why do you think you were left behind?" Kevin kissed Shy's ear, sighing as he pushed deeper. "He doesn't want you around."
Shy shook his head. "But...you want to make a trade. You said they'd make a trade. Orli said..."
"He doesn't know," Kevin chuckled, his thrusts becoming slower and more deliberate as he moved inside Shy. "Will wanted me to have you, sweetheart."
Kevin continued to talk, convincing him that the men he loved were never going to come for him, warning him that he would never be wanted by anyone else again, how no one would be able to handle such used goods.
"But I want you," Kevin murmured, "and I know you want this, too. You're not even trying to fight me, are you, baby?"
Shy wanted to fight. He wanted to scream and tell Kevin to get off him, scratching and biting until he was free. But he didn't. Maybe Kevin's right, he thought. The fact that he wasn't protesting had to mean he really was a slut who'd have anyone at all. He was even hard. As terrified as he was, his body was responding to what Kevin was doing to him and it made him feel sick. If Kevin wanted to, he could make him climax and that realisation rocked him. It was true. Everything Kevin was whispering into his ear was true. More than that, he started to wonder if Will really had wanted to get rid of him so badly, he'd arranged this.
Kevin stopped when he felt Shy start to move under him. "You like that?" he whispered, his excitement growing as he began thrusting a little faster. "You want more?"
"Yes." Shy's voice sounded foreign to his ears, the word was wrong. He wasn't supposed to be saying that. He wasn't supposed to be giving Kevin what he wanted. And when he heard himself breathlessly say, "Fuck me," he suddenly felt disconnected from everything that was going on.
***
When it was over, Kevin turned Shy over and kissed him. "I knew you'd want me eventually," he whispered, sated and looking genuinely happy. "And you'll love me soon. You'll see."
Shy was still feeling an odd sense that he was merely watching events unfold rather than being part of them. "I thought you loved Will."
"I do," Kevin said, brushing his fingers over Shy's cheek. "But I know he doesn't love me. You could love me, Shy. Couldn't you?"
No. Say, no.
"I don't know. Maybe." Shy knew he wasn't supposed to say it but the words had come out on their own.
The smile on Kevin's face spoke volumes as he sat up. "I still want to cut your hair."
With those words, Shy began to feel himself come around and regain some control of whatever was going on inside his head.
"Would you like that?" Kevin asked, his hands gently petting Shy as he leaned down to continue touching kisses to his face and neck.
"Sure."
"Excellent," Kevin said excitedly. He gathered up the things on the floor and had Shy sit all the way up, the towel draped over his shoulders. "You'll look great. You don't need all this hair to be beautiful, you know. In fact, it'll be easier to see just how gorgeous you are." He stopped and hugged Shy around the shoulders and sighed. "I love you, Shy. I do. You stay with me and we'll be really happy."
Shy closed his eyes to shut out the rest of Kevin's chatter, finally losing himself inside his own head as the other man took scissors and comb to his hair. It wasn't until Kevin shook his shoulders that Shy realised any time at all had gone by.
"Go look in the mirror and tell me what you think."
Nodding, Shy got to his feet again and went back into the bathroom. What he saw staring back at him was a man he didn't recognise. His hair was almost all gone, leaving him with what he believed was called a crew cut. There was no other reaction inside him as he raised a hand and rubbed it over his closely shorn head. It felt strange, fuzzy, not like him at all. Maybe this was good. If he wasn't really himself, maybe he wasn't really here. Maybe this was happening to someone else.
"Well?"
Kevin was standing behind him now. Shy looked at Kevin's face in the mirror and forced himself to speak.
"It's great."
Kevin beamed. "I knew you'd like it." He rested his chin on Shy's shoulder and slid a hand over his stomach. When Shy tensed, Kevin gently bit his shoulder. "It's okay. Relax," he whispered, taking hold of Shy and slowly starting to stroke him. "I'm gonna make you feel good."
Shy looked at his reflection again, focusing every bit of his energy into holding his eyes there and nothing else.