I feel like smacking myself in the head.
I am not about to friends' lock this post, nor am I going to put any of this under a cut, because I think I just had the single most incredible realization about my life and I wonder why it took me so long to see it myself.
I have extremely, dangerously low self-esteem.
I am sure it is because my mother has the same, and possibly my father. And they passed it on to me, not because they did not love me or value me, but because they did not, and do not, value themselves.
I wonder how long this has gone on. I'm sure my aunts have the same issues. My uncles. On my mom's side at least. All those "chemical imbalances" may just be an unbroken chain of extremely low self-esteem.
It causes anxiety, depression, general feelings of hopelessness, messiness, procrastination, sloppiness, "bad luck" that can be attributed to being sure that everything is going to go wrong... both sides of my family. This is describing everyone I have ever known and loved.
And why does no one see it? Well, in my family, admitting that I have the problem is admitting that they do. And how horrible and degrading an idea it is. To place so little a sense of worth on one's self, that one cannot see the good things they have for all of the bad? I certainly didn't want to see it. And once someone said it to me, point-blank said it, I thought, yes. That's right. That's how it's always been.
But I know something else about myself, too. I am a determined and strong person. If I am willing to go through my life battling the daily anxieties and depressions, I can overcome this, too. I can be the one who breaks the chain of low self-esteem that has become so ingrained into our personalities that we don't even recognize it. And part of me is extremely relieved that I finally figured out the cause of the anxiety, and can treat that, rather than the symptoms.
It's the part of me that isn't going numb with fear at the prospect.
I have extremely, dangerously low self-esteem.
I am sure it is because my mother has the same, and possibly my father. And they passed it on to me, not because they did not love me or value me, but because they did not, and do not, value themselves.
I wonder how long this has gone on. I'm sure my aunts have the same issues. My uncles. On my mom's side at least. All those "chemical imbalances" may just be an unbroken chain of extremely low self-esteem.
It causes anxiety, depression, general feelings of hopelessness, messiness, procrastination, sloppiness, "bad luck" that can be attributed to being sure that everything is going to go wrong... both sides of my family. This is describing everyone I have ever known and loved.
And why does no one see it? Well, in my family, admitting that I have the problem is admitting that they do. And how horrible and degrading an idea it is. To place so little a sense of worth on one's self, that one cannot see the good things they have for all of the bad? I certainly didn't want to see it. And once someone said it to me, point-blank said it, I thought, yes. That's right. That's how it's always been.
But I know something else about myself, too. I am a determined and strong person. If I am willing to go through my life battling the daily anxieties and depressions, I can overcome this, too. I can be the one who breaks the chain of low self-esteem that has become so ingrained into our personalities that we don't even recognize it. And part of me is extremely relieved that I finally figured out the cause of the anxiety, and can treat that, rather than the symptoms.
It's the part of me that isn't going numb with fear at the prospect.