Dissimilation

[shweta_narayan]

I started off as one of Elizabeth Moon's ideal minority people, you guys. Since I think most of you had more sense than me, let me lay out what that was like, cause this is what she's demanding other people do so as not to harsh her mellow with our differences; I guess this is what she thinks people like me should just agree to do so she doesn't

Comments

[shweta_narayan]

I doubt even elsmi knew, dear. My parents don't, my brother doesn't. That is how silenciing an experience it was.

And...

[shweta_narayan]

I didn't even realize myself how much of it I remembered till I started writing.

[niamh_sage]

Thank you, Shweta. I too am grateful that you have written this post, that you said it aloud, though it was hard to do so.

[shweta_narayan]

Thank you for reading it.
And hey I'm not shaking any more... :wry smile:

[niamh_sage]

I am really appreciative of anyone who talks about racism (and other issues too) so openly. I am continuing to learn a lot about how to be a better human being, through the courage of others who speak up about their experiences.

[fjm]

Yep. I was luckier than you because I attended a Jewish school (an unusual one which had 10% Muslim students then, and around 30% now). Then I went to a "secular" secondary school. I lasted three months. The second school was better, but only in comparison. (When you are the only Jewish kid in a school of 1,000 *everyone* knows, forget "honorary white"). But at least I was considered part of a "protected species". My friend Eileen, an Indian Christian in a school with no other Asians but very fixed ideas of what Indians should be like, had a brutal time.

[shweta_narayan]

In some ways being the only one was not as bad for me as being one of two. When I was the only one, the designated scapegoat, It'd get boring after a while and I'd just get the habitual jabs. When they could alternate between us, it never got boring.

And (gods I'm ashamed of this now) when I was one of two, I kept my mouth firmly shut when the other one was being tormented. I knew, even then, that the worst of it was being alone, and that I should say something, but I never dared. It was time when I was not the target, and I took it gladly.

[fjm]

Hard to deal with but very much part of the oppression. Thank you very much for your post.

If you haven't read it, you might find Anzia Yezierska's story, "Soap and Water" an interesting read.

I can't send you a link but if you google it, it's downloadable as a pdf.

[shweta_narayan]

Thank you for reading, and thoughts, and the story link.

If it's poking at some of the same things, though, I think I'd currently find it a crushing read. Should I wait a bit before looking for it?

[shweta_narayan]

Thank you for reading it! I've been... resisting talking about this, really, or even acknowledging it to myself. So it needed saying.

[shweta_narayan]

*offers hugs*

I don't feel particularly brave :)
I get what you mean about it being too close, I think -- it took me a distance of 17 years and a continent to be to talk about it at all, and nearly a decade of not being in touch with any of those people. That, and realizing that I'd been lying to myself for over a day, claiming that of course Moon's post didn't directly affect me.

Of course, it did, and so did the screen of privilege-incomprehension I got from some people when I posted.

The ones who won't listen are not the ones you want to waste your energy on, anyway.

Thank you for saying this; it's something I know is true, but the shadow of that assimilated kid is terrified of the thought and keeps trying to insist that of COURSE I should do what they want.

[ext_199804]

*hugs* You are very brave.

And you're also doing much better with expressing all this; it took me over three decades and 2009 to even begin to admit to myself that I had internalized experiences similar to yours. To the point where, whenever I hear people say, "But non-whites never say they want to be white," it pains me---because I did for so long.

And, at times when I'm not all that careful, I still do.

I guess I'm one of those good Asians as far as Elizabeth Moon is concerned---which makes me sick to think about.

[sethg_prime]

Your essay rocks.

Assimilation issues aside, I think a common fallacy among us liberals is that if we just discuss these questions of justice and social policy with people who disagree with us, using our powers of reason, then of course we will all come to a consensus as to what the rightest thing to do is. We are slow to realize that some people are simply The Opposition: that doesn’t mean they should be taken out and shot, but it does mean that trying to talk sense to them and blaming yourself when they’re not convinced is an exercise in frustration.