Remember ME (Chapter I: Antihero)
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Characters: Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia), mentions of other nations
Disclaimer: Himaruya Hidekaz owns Axis Powers Hetalia.
Title: Remember ME (Chapter I: Antihero)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, drama
Summary: Losing is harder when everything is at stake. Gilbert finds comprehending his downfall to be more than difficult. Why do people think deeper when they are closer to death?
it makes me feel HUMAN
WE DON'T HAVE A MOTHER.
You USED TO BE so much smaller, West.
I guess I'm a little ENVIOUS. Not that you need to know that!
women aren't SUPPOSED to be as strong as men
When did I FALL this low?
will you remember ME?
It's so damned cliché. But it might as well be my GREATEST fear.
That's laughable. I'm supposed to be STRONG.
Do I look like a philosopher to you? Stop making me THINK so much.
Gilbert remembers. He remembers when Elizabeta gave him a thorough beating, when he pleaded forgiveness from God for committing despicable acts towards the girl, when he beat Roderich's face into the ground, and when it felt as though he ruled the world. He can still feel the satisfaction of victory and how he used to revel in his triumphs.
He is certain he will forever remember his glory crumbling before his eyes.
He cannot fathom how it came to be. He is not going to deceive himself: He had not foreseen the turn of tables. Muddling the truth is pointless and a waste of effort. Instead he chooses to put effort into figuring out where it all started. What prompted his string of losses, and how he is suddenly becoming so much smaller (he refuses to think himself weaker) with each battle that passes.
He has Arthur by his side, but that is not enough. Arthur's allegiance is questionable, which is in shocking contrast to Gilbert's steel-hard loyalty. No, Arthur forms alliances to get a thrill out of beating around Francis. He does not fight for Gilbert, for Prussia, but for himself. After all, Arthur is notorious for his obsession in tormenting the neighboring country.
Somehow that makes the situation seem worse.
"Whom do you fight for?" is what he wants to ask. Maybe Arthur will surprise him, say something other than himself or against Francis. But even Gilbert understands the futility of the question; England will not hesitate to voice what everybody already knows. As complicated as he is, there are dull points in his character that are far too predictable.
Whom do you fight for?
But Gilbert is not one to judge. He, too, fights for himself. He would like to boast that he fights for his land, for Prussia as a whole and for more than the reason that he is its living embodiment, yet that would be a lie. A white lie, perhaps, though that does little to better the falseness in the words. He fights for the rush, that unexplainable glee he feels whenever he knows he will win the fight, the feeling that makes him feel whole.
He wonders what other point there is in fighting.
Contrary to popular belief, he is not a man with blood lust. While Gilbert is not put off in the slightest by the sight of blood, that is not what he seeks out fights for. Rather, he fights in search of glory. It is respect and authority he desires for the sake of being appreciated. There is no other way to prove his worthiness: He is no pianist, no poet, and nothing that involves diplomatic activities.
It is not blood he seeks. He sees enough of the color in his eyes to paint his world red without having to make it spill.
It does not matter to him how much the other nations might disagree with his idea of earning recognition through conquest. A good number of them are guilty of committing the same crimes as he, ravaging others' lands out of their interests.
Yet, Gilbert cannot help but feel that he is the antagonist in the story. A story that is far from being one, else whoever wrote it would be a terrible writer for attempting something so ridiculous. In stories it is clear who the evildoers are, but not in reality. The world is not black and white like how ink is on paper. Antagonists understand that they are the evil ones in the novels and short stories, but Gilbert does not see himself as the antagonist of the war. That is how everybody views him, Arthur aside (although he could be), and he vehemently disagrees in his mind.
Gilbert likes to fancy himself as the antihero. Or the tragic hero, but that would be going over his head, and his life is no play. Anything but the antagonist or the victim.
That is what he would like to think. But life is cruel is as he knows it, and he is nothing special. His mind, however, along with every fiber of his being, rejects the reality. He wants to be different, important, and strong. So he blocks that bit of rationality out and chooses to believe something else; something different, and that he is indeed awesome and a presence to behold. His arrogance prospers from this train of thought, and Gilbert would like to keep it that way.
His ignorance is his character flaw. In his mind everything fits the image of an antihero.
And that is what he wants to be remembered as. An antihero who failed to overcome an obstacle set up by himself.
None of it is Arthur's fault, nor does the blame belong to any of his enemies. The blame does not rest on the war itself. Gilbert would have destroyed himself. He hopes -- wants -- the others to respect this silent wish and allow him to cling onto his twisted beliefs. He is not willing to accept his weak side, and would much rather embrace his flaw he is aware of instead of being confronted with something entirely different.
He wants to be aware of what he will be remembered as. If it is something new he will never know. Therefore it must be a concept he already knows, and what he wants to go by that he knows of is "antihero." And the knowledge will give him a sense of peace, no matter how much he would prefer otherwise in battle. As often as he gives it, Gilbert needs straightforward answers to even things out. He needs to be certain of what he is fighting for, what might happen, what will happen, what everything could lead to.
Gilbert hates the unknown. He wants to remember and know what he will be remembered as.
- - - - - - - - - -
This was an experimental prologue. I assure you the next few chapters won't be as disorganized or clunky. I hope, ahahaha. And more dialogue! There will definitely be actual dialogue later.
Chapter II »
Characters: Gilbert Beilschmidt (Prussia), mentions of other nations
Disclaimer: Himaruya Hidekaz owns Axis Powers Hetalia.
Title: Remember ME (Chapter I: Antihero)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, drama
Summary: Losing is harder when everything is at stake. Gilbert finds comprehending his downfall to be more than difficult. Why do people think deeper when they are closer to death?
it makes me feel HUMAN
WE DON'T HAVE A MOTHER.
You USED TO BE so much smaller, West.
I guess I'm a little ENVIOUS. Not that you need to know that!
women aren't SUPPOSED to be as strong as men
When did I FALL this low?
will you remember ME?
It's so damned cliché. But it might as well be my GREATEST fear.
That's laughable. I'm supposed to be STRONG.
Do I look like a philosopher to you? Stop making me THINK so much.
Gilbert remembers. He remembers when Elizabeta gave him a thorough beating, when he pleaded forgiveness from God for committing despicable acts towards the girl, when he beat Roderich's face into the ground, and when it felt as though he ruled the world. He can still feel the satisfaction of victory and how he used to revel in his triumphs.
He is certain he will forever remember his glory crumbling before his eyes.
He cannot fathom how it came to be. He is not going to deceive himself: He had not foreseen the turn of tables. Muddling the truth is pointless and a waste of effort. Instead he chooses to put effort into figuring out where it all started. What prompted his string of losses, and how he is suddenly becoming so much smaller (he refuses to think himself weaker) with each battle that passes.
He has Arthur by his side, but that is not enough. Arthur's allegiance is questionable, which is in shocking contrast to Gilbert's steel-hard loyalty. No, Arthur forms alliances to get a thrill out of beating around Francis. He does not fight for Gilbert, for Prussia, but for himself. After all, Arthur is notorious for his obsession in tormenting the neighboring country.
Somehow that makes the situation seem worse.
"Whom do you fight for?" is what he wants to ask. Maybe Arthur will surprise him, say something other than himself or against Francis. But even Gilbert understands the futility of the question; England will not hesitate to voice what everybody already knows. As complicated as he is, there are dull points in his character that are far too predictable.
Whom do you fight for?
But Gilbert is not one to judge. He, too, fights for himself. He would like to boast that he fights for his land, for Prussia as a whole and for more than the reason that he is its living embodiment, yet that would be a lie. A white lie, perhaps, though that does little to better the falseness in the words. He fights for the rush, that unexplainable glee he feels whenever he knows he will win the fight, the feeling that makes him feel whole.
He wonders what other point there is in fighting.
Contrary to popular belief, he is not a man with blood lust. While Gilbert is not put off in the slightest by the sight of blood, that is not what he seeks out fights for. Rather, he fights in search of glory. It is respect and authority he desires for the sake of being appreciated. There is no other way to prove his worthiness: He is no pianist, no poet, and nothing that involves diplomatic activities.
It is not blood he seeks. He sees enough of the color in his eyes to paint his world red without having to make it spill.
It does not matter to him how much the other nations might disagree with his idea of earning recognition through conquest. A good number of them are guilty of committing the same crimes as he, ravaging others' lands out of their interests.
Yet, Gilbert cannot help but feel that he is the antagonist in the story. A story that is far from being one, else whoever wrote it would be a terrible writer for attempting something so ridiculous. In stories it is clear who the evildoers are, but not in reality. The world is not black and white like how ink is on paper. Antagonists understand that they are the evil ones in the novels and short stories, but Gilbert does not see himself as the antagonist of the war. That is how everybody views him, Arthur aside (although he could be), and he vehemently disagrees in his mind.
Gilbert likes to fancy himself as the antihero. Or the tragic hero, but that would be going over his head, and his life is no play. Anything but the antagonist or the victim.
That is what he would like to think. But life is cruel is as he knows it, and he is nothing special. His mind, however, along with every fiber of his being, rejects the reality. He wants to be different, important, and strong. So he blocks that bit of rationality out and chooses to believe something else; something different, and that he is indeed awesome and a presence to behold. His arrogance prospers from this train of thought, and Gilbert would like to keep it that way.
His ignorance is his character flaw. In his mind everything fits the image of an antihero.
And that is what he wants to be remembered as. An antihero who failed to overcome an obstacle set up by himself.
None of it is Arthur's fault, nor does the blame belong to any of his enemies. The blame does not rest on the war itself. Gilbert would have destroyed himself. He hopes -- wants -- the others to respect this silent wish and allow him to cling onto his twisted beliefs. He is not willing to accept his weak side, and would much rather embrace his flaw he is aware of instead of being confronted with something entirely different.
He wants to be aware of what he will be remembered as. If it is something new he will never know. Therefore it must be a concept he already knows, and what he wants to go by that he knows of is "antihero." And the knowledge will give him a sense of peace, no matter how much he would prefer otherwise in battle. As often as he gives it, Gilbert needs straightforward answers to even things out. He needs to be certain of what he is fighting for, what might happen, what will happen, what everything could lead to.
Gilbert hates the unknown. He wants to remember and know what he will be remembered as.
- - - - - - - - - -
This was an experimental prologue. I assure you the next few chapters won't be as disorganized or clunky. I hope, ahahaha. And more dialogue! There will definitely be actual dialogue later.
Chapter II »